Looking for someone you want to share your life with online can be confusing, exposing, and often heartbreaking. I know, because I’ve spent this week looking for a flatshare in London.
This morning, when I woke up and checked my phone, I experienced a sinking feeling that will be familiar to many readers. I’d spent the previous day convincing myself that, ‘They must be busy! That’s why they haven’t texted back. We had such a good conversation; there was definitely chemistry. I’m sure they felt it, too.’
After 48 hours of this torture, I told myself that if said person hadn’t replied by the time I woke up, I’d have to admit defeat. I’d been ghosted.
Before you commiserate with me on my failed romantic pursuits, I have to come clean about something. It wasn’t a potential love interest I was pining after. It was a flatmate.
I’d been ignored by someone with whom I hadn’t been on a date but who I’d had a lengthy chat with about their ‘bright, clean double room to let in West London.’ Before you write off my sentimentality as misguided and hopeless, let me explain.
The sites
As with dating, the internet has provided many solutions to the problem of trying to find a flatshare in London. Apart from your big hitters like Spare Room and Ideal Flatmate (what we might call the Tinder and Hinge of the flatshare scene), there are also Facebook groups for people looking for something a little more specific.
Without wishing to speculate what these niches might be in the dating world, for flatshares, these are generally divided by nationality or gender. So, if you’re from New Zealand and looking for a flatshare in London, you might join ‘Kiwis who rent’. I accordingly joined ‘gals who rent’, and was immediately heartenedd by what looked like hundreds of rooms posted every day. Surely, will all these options available, there’d be one for me?
Scrolling through the site, however, I quickly realised this wasn’t the case. Unlike dating sites, most of the posts you’re looking at are actually from the competition. Against my own better judgment, I began reading these posts from girls in situations as desperate as mine – or considerably more so. It’s not unusual to come across someone with a ‘job starting on Monday’ or ‘tenancy ends tomorrow so need to move fast!’. At least with dating, the worst-case scenario still leaves a roof over your head.
The profile
It didn’t take long before I began to see a pattern in the girls’ posts. Like dating profiles, they are written using a series of codes you have to learn to read. After a few days of observation, it was hard to make my own sound any different.
‘Hey girlies!! (subtext: I’m so informal and friendly, it’s like we’re already besties!) I’m Flora, I’m 22 years old and about to start a masters in journalism (I have a reason to be in London and won’t be defaulting on rent). I’m moving in with a friend in December so looking for a flatshare in London until then (I have friends so I’m not a weirdo, plus I have a definite move-out date). I’ve just graduated from Oxford (I’ve been to uni so flatshared before) and love cooking (won’t be out all the time), pub trips and going to plays/gigs whenever I can!(but also not in all the time) I have uni friends in London (won’t be needy or always joining in your plans) but also keen to meet people and explore the city together! (open to making friends as a bonus) Drop me a message if you have a room going, can’t wait to hear from you xx (please I’m desperate)
The chat: ‘So, what are you really looking for?’
In theory, someone could message you after a post like that, but usually, it’s the prospective tenant who messages first. Thankfully, I’ve never been ghosted on a first message, and after a few preliminaries about the rent, we’ve arranged calls.
A sudden panic before the first girl I called: should it be video or audio? I don’t want to come across too intense, but I also want to see the flat. I opted for audio, and she immediately requested a switch to video. First test failed, I thought.
Like a first date, a complicated kind of fencing ensued, with each trying to elicit what the other wants without giving too much away. ‘So, do you work from home much, or are you out most days?’, I asked, trying to make my voice as neutral as possible so I could be enthusiastic about whichever answer she gave.
By the third of these calls, I was more ruthless. I began leading with ‘Are you expecting a deposit before I move in?’. If I could at least get the catfishes off the phone quickly, I wouldn’t waste so much of my time.
Unlike dating, which at least has the semblance of a level playing field, no one is in any doubt as to who holds the power in this dynamic. The site makes clear there are far more ‘gals’ than places to rent.
Thankfully, ‘Is there someone else?’ isn’t really a taboo question as it is in dating, and I ended calls by asking about other interest in the room. ‘Oh yeah, we’ve had a couple of other people interested. There’s one girl coming for a viewing tomorrow, I’ll let you know when I’ve made my decision’. Brutal.
Fairytale ending?
This is how I ended up crying to my mum after a week of looking, as yet another ‘gal’ failed to text me back. ‘Plenty more fish in the sea,’ she comforted me, just as she would after a break-up. ‘Maybe you need to try the old-fashioned way – ask your friends if they know anyone with a spare room!’
And so, like many jaded app-users before me, I found my flatshare in London by going analogue. This weekend I’m moving in to a spare room of a friend of a friend, who didn’t need to vet my social media and replied to my messages instantly. We’re keeping it casual for now, just seeing how things go for the next few weeks. But who knows. I’ve got a good feeling about this one…
