This feeling of wanting a person to want you back the same way is painful. But why is it painful? Especially when you have a crush, it can sometimes get obsessive. You might feel like you’re on a cloud of lust and desire, but as soon as that is blown away, you fall from that feeling. And you fall hard. Just like Olivia Rodrigo in her song “Favorite Crime.”
Love can sometimes be deceiving, but not like limerence. Limerence is simply a feeling when love is structural.
“All the things I did, just so I can call you mine”
Olivia Rodrigo
Yearning for love in pretty lonesome with Madeline Argy
Madeline Argy is a 25-year-old English influencer. Not only is she a TikTok creator, but she also has a YouTube channel. On her channel, @madelineargy, she posts vlogs and a podcast where she talks about her experiences and takes on life. On one of her podcast episodes, “Love vs Limerance,” she describes the profound effects of yearning for a person so deeply that it consumes your body.
She cites the show The Summer I Turned Pretty as an example of this yearning. She emphasizes that the actor who plays Conrad Fisher yearns deeply, as you can see his eyes soften at the look of love.
Argy says, “A lot of people can be really good and really decent and really loving, and it doesn’t mean that they’re in love with you. In love is so intense. It’s so rare, too.”
People can treat you very kindly, but that doesn’t mean they are in love with you. Especially nowadays, dating is so different for everyone that it’s hard to get real connections.
In the show, Conrad responds to Belly’s questions about how he was so sure he loved her by saying
“Because I’ve changed every single thing about myself and the only thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that I love you.”
Madeline says that she has experienced this kind of love. Where everything in her life changed, and the only thing that hadn’t changed was that she “chooses them, and loves them, and misses them, and is happy that they are alive.” When you learn about how you can love someone else, it feels like a full-body emotion.
She says that when you know you love someone, you are selfless. For example, being able to leave your partner when you know it’s right for them. Even if it hurts in the moment, you will know you loved them because you could see them be happier.
Madeline explained that during her single era, she “really learned how to survive alone and became really independent.”
She speaks about needing to cope alone. Although relationships can teach you what you like, being single forces you to figure your own stuff out by yourself and not depend on someone else to figure it out for you. This is why self-assurance is key.
Madeline emphasizes not to look only for satisfaction in a romantic relationship, but instead to seek a partnership. When she gets into cases that aren’t going well in her life, that’s when she starts to create ideations and crushes on people. She says,
“You are putting a bandaid over the feelings that that wrong thing is giving you, when you could be sitting in the feeling for a few more seconds and then maybe you’ll make some progress.”
But when her life gets back together, she forgets about these crushes of desire. This is why it is also important to surround yourself with good people. Love should feel like someone is supporting you through your advances and struggles in life. They are a head of support, just like any true friend.
The intimacy, laughter, and hugs that can come from your friends can give you the same dopamine as the person you are yearning for.
Love vs limerence
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov defines limerence as:
“An involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.”
According to the Cleveland Clinic article, “Limerance vs. Love: What’s the difference?” some key characteristics of limerence are:
- Driven by desire
- Obsessed with validation
- Makes changes to gain approval
- Emotionally turbulent
- Dependent and possessive
- Avoids conflict by idolizing the limerent object
- All-or-nothing attachment
Some key characteristics of love are:
- Rooted in connection
- Grounded in clarity and communication
- Accepts each other’s flaws
- Emotionally steady
- Independent yet bonded
- Faces conflict with honesty and understanding
- Grows with their partner
Love is intimate. It is seeing someone and not wanting them to change. It should not be that you feel so overwhelmed by wanting someone who doesn’t give you much attention that you get distressed when they aren’t in your presence.
Limerance makes you want a person, no matter their behavior. No matter if they manipulate, gaslight, hurt, or try to change you. You will forever be in that loophole of want for this person because you think it’s all you have or deserve. It can affect your mental health and behavior towards your friendships and family.
Limerence is also attachment to fit into another person’s image. For example, if your crush says they like dark hair and you have light hair, you change your hair to increase your chances of getting them to like you.
I once had limerence for a person. It felt like I was close to loving them, but they never reciprocated the feelings I wanted them to. I didn’t realize this was actually limerence until months after we stopped talking. It took over my thoughts, and it was an uncontrollable feeling of desire.
What I learned was that love is built through friendship and real connection. You can’t simply fall in love with someone after seeing them once and decide on the spot that you will get married. You fall in love with a person over time.
We can have an illusion of who we think we want to be. Nowadays, in the dating scene, people expect too much. This is due to entertainment. It can deceive us into expecting the same thing as what is shown on the screen.
Love in movies
Movies and TV shows portray limerance through romance scenes. The actors in these scenes make you feel desire and a longing for someone. But don’t have the same expectations as the actors, because it is unrealistic. The way you approach relationships and friendships in real life is different than how they do it in movies.
They don’t have the same risks, consequences, or dangers because it is all controlled. Rather, in real life, people have many experiences every day and meet many new people. Love is messy and chaotic, and it changes wavelengths every day because that’s how life is.
Dating in the real world is completely different for every single person. For example, it takes more courage to go up to someone and tell them you find them attractive than if you go on dating apps and hide behind a screen.
The Notebook is considered a great love story, and I believe it was. But I also think it portrays the addiction of love so deeply because he waited for her for years. Movies like this depict a fantasy world where love and limerence can exist without consequences for the individual. Take entertainment with a grain of salt because reality works differently.
And when you watch a romance movie with your friends, just remember that it’s just a movie. Don’t confuse these romantic scenes in movies with your feelings of loneliness.
Self-love
This is why giving yourself the same satisfactions or needs you’re seeking in a limerant person is important.
As Madeline Argy said, don’t confuse kind actions from someone with them wanting you. Don’t continue to be in this cycle of expectations and hopes; that’s just wanting them because they are the only present being that is giving you attention.
You have to be okay with yourself in order to be a good future partner. It’s not okay to look for comfort and reassurance in someone else. It will be lonely sometimes, and this is where we can learn from our feelings. You can’t expect someone else to make the decisions you need to make for yourself.
The power of desire can overtake your body. In the past, I had stayed in a relationship for the sake of attachment. The intense emotions I had with this person at the beginning of our relationship led to this painful attachment. The thought of being separated from her felt so painful. I thought I couldn’t breathe without her, and I didn’t know how to live my life without her conversations, presence, and opinions. I was so focused on her needs that I changed myself for her.
Then, after we ended it, I realized my mind needed to get used to thinking without them again. And I began to focus on myself and started to discover new things.
It will be okay
Just remember that with time, you will learn to be okay being alone. Meanwhile, you pour all of that energy towards yourself. Turn those feelings of loneliness and emptiness into different forms of self-love.
And if you do meet someone, be open-minded and stay aware of the symptoms of limerence. Don’t set expectations for someone based on what others have shown you, because we are all different. Don’t expect a person to have what they “can” be, but what they actually are in the moment you meet them.
Sienna Krieg
May 14, 2026 at 8:58 pm
This is awesome!! I love to see people bringing awareness to limerence. It’s a very important mental health topic we need to be discussing.