Dating is a part of almost everyone’s life. It’s a maze to enter the dating pool, full of opportunity and questions. It can feel daunting for anyone to dip their toes in and get to know someone, or many someones, and let them get to know you. That decision is absolutely magnified as a trans person.
Meeting new people
When you’re meeting someone new, how do you approach the gender topic? Do you say it right off the bat? Ask their pronouns first and risk a, “What? Um, the normal ones,” response?
Growing up, it felt so much simpler: school was such a close-knit environment that if one person knew you were nonbinary, everyone did. But when I went to uni, there were so many people that I thought it would be easier to just have a bunch of different identities and please everyone!
Soon, I had three different sets of pronouns based on who was asking. Approaching a group of cis straight girls and guys, I was she/her, around cis gay girls, I was she/they, and with people I felt most comfortable with and in queer majority settings, I used my actual pronouns: she/he/they.
So when I started trying to meet people to date, I just wasn’t sure who to be anymore.
Coming out as gay and nonbinary at a young age meant my dating experiences didn’t properly start until I was about 18. Before then, there were about 4 gay people I knew in the world, and they were all my best friends. Dating felt so new to me, and I didn’t understand how everyone already knew what to do. Where do you start?
Here are a few different methods.
Dating apps
I got super addicted to dating apps, swiping and messaging for hours on end. I loved the validation of getting a match, too. Maybe a bit too much. So much so that I ended up tailoring my profile to attract the largest number of people on the app instead of the people I’d actually be interested in.
I was hooked on this feeling of being accepted by people who’d never really get me in real life. So when I got messages and attempts to meet up, it never went anywhere, because why would I want to see someone who was into this fake version of myself?
If you’re going to use dating apps, it’s reasonable to hesitate to share your true self. It can be scary. But at least give a little insight into who you are. That way, you can meet people you’re actually interested in and vice versa.
Clubs
Horrible. You’re drunk, and everyone seems way cooler than they did the night before. They message you the next day, and you have no memory that they looked like that. You don’t know what to say because what did you even talk about last night? It’s probably a straight man who kissed you before he even asked your name.
Or…perfect! There are a lot of different types of relationships to seek out, and if you want to just get out there and try things out, it could be good to have some casual dating experience. You can take the pressure off, stop thinking about where things could exactly end up and just have fun making connections.
Friends of friends
In my opinion, this is the best way to meet someone. If you have a friend that you love and trust, it’s easier to be yourself around people in their life. You already have one thing in common: you both like each other!
Of course, this is easier said than done. Sometimes, making close friends is the hardest part. Most areas do have queer groups to join, so you could try your luck there for friends, and maybe even find some romance in the process.
There are definitely some downsides, though. It can get complicated dating someone who’s a friend or involved in your friend group. If things go wrong, or you’re just not right for each other, there’s an added layer to the breakup – dealing with its potential effects on your friendships. So while it’s a great way to make a connection, make sure you communicate and are prepared for how it might go later on.
Who should you be dating?
Dating straight men as an AFAB (assigned female at birth) nonbinary person, for me, was a full-on identity crisis. They were the easiest demographic to approach because it felt like there were so many of them. But dating someone who’s straight, when you’re neither a man nor a woman, is complicated because it means they most likely see you as one or the other, since they identify as only being attracted to one binary gender. Writer Rachel Anne Williams describes it like this:
“Could you be in a queer relationship while still being straight? If you’re dating a nonbinary person and calling yourself straight, you’re in essence constantly misgendering your partner”
Dating someone straight can be a compromise on your identity. If they refuse to negotiate on whether they really are fully straight, it doesn’t really work. You’re going to be denying yourself in some way to fit the kind of relationship they want or view you both having.
So start with someone who includes your gender in their sexuality.
Dating other nonbinary people
My first experience going on a date with someone who was also nonbinary was straight out of a sitcom. I turned up at the bar, cargo pants swishing, beanie adjusted, and approached them. They greeted me, pulling down their own beanie, and we sat down. Then, simultaneously, we crossed a leg over, ankle-on-knee style and rested an arm over our legs in an exaggerated casual masc pose.
Dating someone who shares your identity allows them to understand you better. There’s often a more compatible sense of humour, style, expression and shared experiences.
That doesn’t mean you should only date other nonbinary people. I’ve also felt really understood by lots of cis and straight people in my life. But personally, it’s always felt like there’s a small part of myself that gets locked away. So be sure that you’re being your full self all the time around them.
How do you navigate the gender conversation?
If you’re interested in someone who’s cis or straight, it’s best to be upfront about your identity. It can feel tempting to play it down or adapt yourself to be someone they’ll understand better, but it’ll hurt later when you realise there’s so much you’ve hidden about yourself.
Explain how you see yourself, how you present, your relationship with gender, etc., and see how they feel about it. If you feel that your gender expression is an important part of who you are and something you have a deep connection with, then a partner needs to get that for a relationship to work. And this doesn’t mean saying “Sure, I’m okay with that,” it means using your pronouns correctly, addressing you how you want to be addressed, and not only accepting your gender expression but loving it in the same way you do.
Don’t obsess over it, but it’s important to be mindful of how they respond to this. If you use she/they, are they mainly just sticking to she? If you’re comfortable using feminine and masculine terms, are they using both or just one?
I think the most accepted I’ve felt was with people who treated me as fluidly as I feel. Using “handsome” and “pretty” in the same sentence, mixing around my pronouns, coming up with new pet names, and introducing myself to people with pride instead of over-explanation or avoidance of who I really am.
It’s not just about being comfortable with your identity; it’s also about having fun with it. It shouldn’t feel like they’re just following the rules you laid out.
Dating closeted nonbinaries
There’s an interesting subsection between being out as nonbinary and dating someone who isn’t. To be in the closet is to suppress your sense of self. Every day you are seen and referred to as someone you’re not, and that can feel really horrible.
Denying it to yourself is even more difficult. Knowing you’re someone that you can’t even accept yourself is a struggle that we’ve all gone through at some point.
But dating is a really intimate experience of living. Sharing your life with someone else means that you are going to influence each other in some ways. Your attitude, expression and way of being will inevitably rub off on one another, so it’s important to protect yourself in a relationship like this. Ask yourself: Is their self-suppression making you hide, too?
It’s all about respect
In a relationship, you will have to have the big conversations. Talk about the ins and outs of your life journey, where you are, where you have been and where you want to be as a person. When you’re entering the dating scene as a nonbinary person, it’s important that these things have a bit of commonality, or if not, that there is a willingness and excitement to learn and be a part of it.
Your identity is not a roadblock; it’s a cool part of who you are, so be around people who think you’re cool, too.
