The words “Equal Pay for Equal Work” have adorned thousands of posters at women’s marches over the years. The phrase existed in some form at the first Woman Suffrage Procession in 1913. It continued to be prevalent at protests through the years, including the 2017 D.C. women’s march following the inauguration of Donald Trump. I grew up with words in front of my face saying that whatever job I did, I would likely be paid less than the guy next to me doing the same thing.
What I didn’t realize then, but have discovered as I’ve explored my sexuality, is that the lack of “Equal Pay for Equal Work” may apply to more than just my 9-5. It applies to my sex life as well. I orgasm a lot less than the guy next to me having the same amount of sex.
The Facts
You may have heard the stats before; heterosexual men are most likely to orgasm during sex. They do so a whopping 95% of the time according to a study by The Archives of Sexual Behavior. Heterosexual women are on the opposite end of the spectrum as the group least likely to orgasm at 65%.
Before any straight guy reading this gets flustered and starts with the “it’s just harder for girls to get off” argument, here’s an even more astounding fact; bisexual and lesbian women are far more likely to orgasm during sex than straight women.
So… are men the problem?
My conclusion; not exactly.
A Lack of Knowledge
When we all got the “this is how babies are made”/”birds and the bees” talk from our parents (or, for those of us whose parents were terrified of sex talk with their children, our friends in the 4th-grade girls locker room), the message was simple; sex=penis in vagina. Over time, as we watched movies and consumed other types of media, we realized sex could be fun, meaningful, and fabulous.
But most of that media made sexual pleasure seem infinitely easy and simple to achieve for both genders.
In R-rated films secretly watched in slumber party pillow forts by kids “way too young to be seeing that stuff,” the guy would perform a meager few strokes, and the couple would magically orgasm simultaneously.
For that to happen in real life, it really would be magic.
One would hope that as we got older, the truth about sex would be revealed. But, at least for me and my peers, we continued to be entirely in the dark. In my required high school health class, we spent a total of one 45-minute period on the topic of sex, and all I remember absorbing from that was that if I got an STD, I’d probably die.
Everything I learned about sex, I had to discover on my own through both research and experience. As a teenager who was immensely curious about the topic and obsessed with relationships and love (a personality trait I kept alive through devouring 2-3 romance books a week in middle and high school), I questioned how sex was taught to me. Why did the hookups with my high school boyfriend feel nothing like D.H. Lawrence describes it in Lady Chatterley’s Lover (the most famous sexually explicit novel of all time, very steamy, highly recommend)?
Exploration
At 17, I took matters into my own hands and was amazed by what I discovered.
I learned what a clitoris is and where mine was. I discovered it is the only human organ known to be purely for pleasure. As women, we have a body part that exists with the sole purpose of making us feel good! When I was taught about sex, that had never been mentioned. Generating female pleasure wasn’t mentioned at all.
It’s mind-blowing that merely years ago, I thought that penetration was the sole and guaranteed way to make women orgasm. I thought that male-female sex was only considered sex once the man orgasmed. I thought that a guy would come along and he would teach me how to make my body feel good.
And even more mind-blowing–many men (and women!) still think this stuff is accurate. Not everyone has the interest, privilege, or ability to figure it out.
So, I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s Chad’s “fault” that Sarah left their Monday night booty call utterly unsatisfied, but it’s a problem. And the worst part–Chad doesn’t even know that Sarah will have to she-bop when she gets home to climax that night (she-bop is a synonym for masturbate and now my new favorite word).
In her talk presented to the DC Sociological Association in November of 2014, NYU professor of sociology Paula England indicated that her research showed heterosexual men overestimating the amount their female partners orgasm.
It is my assumption (and personal experience) that while, yes, some women certainly fake their orgasms, a majority of men don’t even ask their sexual partner if they came or not. Maybe they assume that they did, or maybe they just don’t care all that much. Perhaps they grew up being taught the same things as me. They learned that women’s pleasure is not the purpose of sex and that women rarely achieve orgasm.
Well, I achieve orgasm every time I use my vibrator, Chad. Just sayin’.
What’s the Solution?
My take on this is that assigning blame doesn’t resolve this issue. The only way to close the Orgasm Gap is through transparency and education.
Ladies–learn what you like and tell your partner. It’s not simple to figure out. It will take time and probably some very uncomfortable Google searches; there’s so much information and many sex trends to sift through. But trust me, it is worth it and will bring you some satisfying results.
And Gentlemen–do your research too! The women you are having sex with have had the ways to make you feel good seared into their brains since they were 12. You should convey what makes you feel good to your partner, and you should also ask them what makes them feel good. Ask them to show you, even. The more both parties enjoy it, the better the sex will be.