Sophomore year of college, I failed an exam. This exam also happened to be for a class that I wanted to pursue a second major in. I recall feeling so overwhelmed that I shamelessly cried outside on my campus.
The notification of an F
How we define failure is subjective, but experiencing a form of it is an inevitable part of life, whether that be for school, social life, or hobbies. So what was particularly significant about this situation? Why was I so panicked?
It was weird to fail at first because I hadn’t felt so panicked in years. Even now, as I write this, I can no longer recognize that panic. Although I have moved on from that anxiety, I can realistically still empathize with my past self and why I felt my failure deserved so much attention.
My ‘ten-year plan’
To explain the anxiety behind my F, I would have to begin by explaining my “ten-year plan”. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I had a plan set to major in fine arts and biology with the goal of entering the prosthetics industry.
I liked the specificity of this path. There was a particular graduate school program with a path for individuals who wanted to follow a career in the world of prosthetics. It gave me a clear goal. I also liked how I could give an exact answer to those who asked about what I wanted to do.
The level of comfort I felt with multiple areas of my life, allegedly set to a certain degree, felt amazing. This execution made me feel as if I was killing two birds with one stone. All that was left was the action I needed to take. By taking action, I would eventually obtain the comfort I had constructed within this plan.
It was nice to feel that I had given myself some sort of “purpose” and thus added ‘value’ to my education and overall young adult years. During this time, I was sleeping every night to the comfort that I had successfully set the next couple of years of my life: now I can rest and continue on with this plan.
There was a level of reassurance that came with these feelings that made me feel like a god or some immortal being. It was amazing to feel that I had accomplished the impossible: “guaranteeing” my life as a 19-year-old sophomore in college.
A facade of a plan
I acknowledge now that this was a flawed perspective. The judgment of an individual’s life is not static. Judgment, opinions, and values span a wide scope. However, I did not acknowledge that my “ten year plan” was not considerate of this.
Back then, I was fully fueled by the fact that every moment of my college education had to be “worthwhile”. Worthwhile of what? I’m not exactly sure. Ironically, this mentality is what fueled my anxiety after I failed my first exam for my biology major.
The plan I constructed held authority in terms of control, but it didn’t consider my emotions, values, and overall experiences as a human being. The moment I got the F, the rush I had built up through this plan plummeted and turned into the impending doom of my first panic attack since high school.
To take or not take the W?
Now the decisions I had to make were whether or not I should take a W (withdrawal) for this class, or somehow hope that I could make up for this F and pass the class. I also want to acknowledge that there is a third option where I could retake the class, but that was, personally, not an option I wanted to consider.
There are many options, and certainly nothing is over after a failed exam. I am in no way condoning, nor do I have the desire to promote, giving up one’s goals just because of a couple of bumps in the road.
I myself have failed multiple times in the past. However, what was important for me to recognize was that in my past experiences, my response to failure was different. I recall I also failed biology and math exams in high school. However, in response, I worked harder than ever and felt pumped to continue forward. This ultimately ended up working out, and I was successfully able to make it through.
Coming to terms with my failed exam
This time around, I had to recognize that the issue was not that my “ten-year plan” was ruined, nor that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I had come to terms with the fact that I was absolutely miserable with my current reality. I no longer held any desire to push through with this plan. Even the thought of continuing made me both physically and mentally exhausted.
For once, failure did not fuel me. Instead, failure acted as a catalyst for change: it forced me to question myself. I firmly believe that it should never be considered giving up if the only thing you can focus on becomes your misery.
“adapt and utilize”
Su Son, 2026
Why was this decision so difficult?
Perhaps it was so difficult because it made me question beyond the static approach I previously took to life. Letting go of the identity I had previously given my education was one of the most difficult aspects of my college experience so far.
The role education plays in my life cannot be used to depart from life’s uncertainties. Like any other part of my life, education is fluid, and I needed to accept that. With this, I decided to take the W on my transcript just weeks before finals.
Words from another generation: gen Z and ‘preview culture’
It has now been over a semester since I accepted the W on my transcript. One of the voices who influenced me to take the W and chase another major was Su Son. Su Son is a fashion consultant who has worked in the industry for over 25 years and is a member of Generation X.
Back when I was calling Son about my meltdown on whether or not I should take the W, we spoke about my passions and what I enjoyed. I believe that both she and I knew that taking the W was a good choice for me.
During my first conversation with Son, I found her perspective on Generation Z’s anxiety regarding the future interesting. My initial conversation with her became the first time I became conscious of how much my decisions relied on the “predictions” in front of me. Son coined the term “preview culture” to me during that call.
What is ‘Preview Culture’?
I remember asking about this and being confused as to why Son was telling me this. “What does this have to do with my dilemma about withdrawing?” Of course, it makes sense that I feel doomed. If I withdraw, I would have to let go, or at least halt my dream of working in prosthetics: my ten-year plan. How is this related to the term “preview culture” and why?
Son explained to me that night that Generation Z is so anxious because we can see a prediction of everything. An example Son mentioned to me was the way we treat restaurants. If you want to go to a restaurant, you can go find reviews and pictures on Google Maps and make up your mind before even trying the food.
It made more sense to me why I felt the panic regarding my decision. There was no preview option to see how my life would be impacted depending on whether or not I chose the W or continued on with the F.
What now? What about happiness?
Since my conversation with Son and the revelation I had, I withdrew from the class and successfully finished my classes for the semester. I ended up switching my second major to anthropology.
I began to love my classes again. There were certainly difficult moments, but it was never as much as before. There was now a level of happiness that fueled both my successes and challenges. I began the process of accepting a life less dependent on predictions, but I still felt unstable.
I somehow felt guilty for letting myself experience the freedom of taking risks. In this case, the “risk” was to study art and anthropology without having an exact explanation to support my decision other than my happiness. I could not “predict” where my happiness would take me, and that was admittedly difficult.
Introducing acceptance
I decided to reach out to Son again, except this time for an official interview for this article. Since Son was there during my initial breakdown, I decided it would be great to update her on my decision and have a discussion about why I may feel the way I do about happiness as a result of my decision.
“We are always going through a metamorphosis no matter what”
“If you want to live in an equation, you would have to live in a bubble”
Su Son, 2026
In response, Son acknowledged that Generation Z is rightfully anxious. However, she firmly stands by the understanding that happiness is not linear. Son emphasized to me that happiness and what makes us happy change throughout the span of our lives.
I began with a goal, and I left with an F. Although I can no longer give answers to what my plans are in life, I am learning to chase new passions. Even now, I cannot provide an answer as intricate as the past as to why I’m pursuing my majors. However, I can provide the understanding that this is a new chapter of my life.
By no means should anyone change their goals because of a challenge, or strive to experience happiness in every part of their life. Instead, after speaking with Son, I can conclude that the F taught me that experiencing my goals is parallel to my happiness. From one perspective, they could be face-to-face, but they could also never meet. I am thankful that my F let me experience this change face-to-face. One experience in college doesn’t define all: nothing does, and that can be beautiful on its own.
