After seven weeks of painfully inorganic intros, we finally get the classic Paradise montage we deserve: Andrew building sandcastles, Jonathon getting tortilla-slapped, Dale rubbing sunscreen where the sun doesn’t shine, and Jess blowing gum all over her own face. And it’s to the original ‘80s soundtrack!
But the silliness doesn’t last long. Couples immediately get into strategy mode, scheming who to vote out this week. It’s clear we won’t get many romantic advancements this episode.
Treasure hunt
Jesse shows up with a brand new challenge. It’s called “Treasure Hunt,” and the setup is my claustrophobic nightmare: one partner is locked in a giant chest with five padlocks, while the other scours the beach for clues, relying on walkie-talkie directions to break them free. They get thirty minutes, and the first couple out wins safety for next week and a date. The losers are left to the mercy of group voting, where two women (and their partners) will not receive roses at the next ceremony.
Welles blindfolds everyone and herds them into a van, and what follows is nothing short of a mess. Each team competes in rounds of two against two. Brian can’t figure out what a “bangle” is, Alexe is digging for an “X” in the wrong spot entirely, and no one can actually hear through the static-filled walkies. At one point, Lea gives up on Jonathon’s awful instructions and sits with the stray dogs on the beach. Meanwhile, Kathy is screaming directions at Keith at lightning speed, which of course means he understands absolutely nothing. She thinks he’s brain dead; he thinks she’s a hot mess. It’s everything you’d expect from a Golden couple.
Somehow, amidst the yelling and rhyming clue riddles, a few couples finish the challenge successfully. Allyshia and Sean breeze through their obstacles. Bailey, on the other hand, loses one of her keys mid-hunt, and Jeremy is anything but pleased.
And then there’s Spencer, who not only manages to help his round’s competitor Bailey (because he’s here for money and not the prize), but still dominates, getting to unlock Jess from the chest fast enough for him and Jess to snatch the overall win. Everyone else is on the chopping block for this week’s vote.
Gosh, Paradise is really turning into a wannabe ‘Survivor’. This week’s challenge was entertaining enough, but once again, it’s not what any of the cast or viewers signed up for…
The first “I love you”
In celebration of their victory, Jess and Spencer score a tantric yoga date. It’s all about deep breathing, gazing into each other’s eyes, physical touch — all the works. Afterward, they dive into charcuterie (Spencer is way too excited about the cheese plate) and even have the “talk” about potentially moving cities to be with each other when the show ends. Both are willing to relocate for one another. But even better, Spencer admits he’s falling in love with Jess. And she’s right there with him.
At this point, they’re the couple of Paradise. Finally, production gave them some screentime this episode!
Back at the villa, Kathy clocks that Parisa and Brian are miserable, and even Jonathon and Lea, the “friendship” couple, are unhappy. She’s not wrong— Jeremy celebrates his birthday (and to be honest, IDGAF), and it turns into a pool party where all the couples are making out, except for Lea and Jonathon. She’s feeling left out, realizing that she won’t get a happily ever after in Paradise. I feel for the girl.
The politician of Paradise
Sean becomes this season’s villain pretty quickly in this episode. He proudly tells the beach his dad’s a politician — which a quick Google reveals is… not a flex. (New York Assemblyman, Republican, riddled with controversies, even disciplined for sexual harassment allegations. Yikes.) Apparently, Sean took notes because he’s ready to play dirty. Love? Allyshia? He’s suddenly never heard of them.
His grand plan is to target Parisa and Brian. He “trains” Keith to play up his status as a Golden as non-threatening to other couples to keep him and Kathy around as shields. Too bad Brian and Parisa overhear him scheming, and Brian literally wants to punch Sean in his face. Sean lies straight to Brian anyway.
Everyone’s got a sarcastic remark towards Sean’s behavior. Brian calls it “aggressive lobbying,” Bailey remarks that he’s “lost the plot” of Paradise, but for Sean, he’s building the Parliament of Paradise. Yeah, embarrassing. His first rule? Don’t talk about the Parliament of Paradise. You are not Brad Pitt, babes.
Sean’s Parliament initially included Dale, Jeremy, and a reluctant Andrew. But Sean can’t stop himself from attempting to scheme with everyone. He starts cornering Kat with lies, spinning strategy in the guys’ rooms, and waiting in front of the resort for a secret meeting. Dale and Jeremy humor him, Andrew takes a nap (king), and literally no one agrees with his plan to vote Spencer out. Because, you know, they have morals and don’t want the strongest couple to be sent home.
The women are even less impressed.
Cocktail party chaos
At the cocktail party, Brian tries to smooth things over with Jeremy for the chaos that unfolded last week between him and Bailey. Bailey and Alexe side-eye Sean’s shady campaigning, and Allyshia– his own partner– finally calls him out directly: it seems like he doesn’t actually like her, he just wants the money. Kat doubles down, saying she and Sean aren’t even friends anymore. Ouch.
Kat, meanwhile, makes things official with Dale in the cutest way. She passes him a note asking him to be her boyfriend. Kat is nothing but wholesome this season, and I love to see it.
But Sean is still out there nagging. He tells Kat she betrayed him for questioning their friendship, which I would, too, since he’s gone manic. He claims he’s always defended her, and then snaps that all of Kat’s “bad parts” are her true colors, cursing and yelling while doing so. She runs straight to Dale, who immediately tells Sean, “You’re out. You’ve overstepped.” As much as I hate Dale, that was honestly kinda hot.
The votes are in
When it’s time for the rose ceremony, the couples on the chopping block are: Parisa and Brian (for the drama from last week), Sean and Allyshia (for Sean’s egregious behavior), Lea and Jonathon (for being friends), and Kathy and Keith (also for being friends).
Remember, two couples are going home tonight.
Just as Jesse starts his big, dramatic reveal of who the final rose goes to, Allyshia interrupts. She announces she’s leaving with Sean on their own accord. Wait… what? Production must’ve skipped a few chapters here, because last I saw, Sean wanted that half a million badly. Apparently, they were headed home anyway, but wanted to leave with “integrity.” Idk, weird.
Sean leaves mumbling, “Dale, I love you, but Kat, don’t come crying to me when this one ends.” “Integrity,” what integrity?! Embarrassing, shallow, and very on brand for his frat boy ways.
In the end, Jonathon gets a rose from Lea (complete with a passionate kiss she definitely wanted more of), Kathy and Keith squeak by, and Parisa and Brian are the second couple sent packing. A loss for Paradise, honestly.
Come back next Monday for more.
