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Gwyneth Paltrow Releases New Candle That Smells Like Her Orgasm

Gwyneth has commodified the odor of her orgasm, and it’s yours for $75.

Georges Biard / CC BY-SA and GOOP

Want a big whiff of Gwenyth Paltrow’s climax? It’s going to cost you. 

Access to Gwenyth’s elusive happy-time aroma will set you back $75. That’s the price of a dinner for two at a three-star restaurant, so in that sense, it’s kind of a deal. Plus, no one can monitor what you do while you burn this bizarre orgasm candle, so with enough imagination you could turn your purchase into a night to remember.

I’m not suggesting that route, but the release of this candle does make me think–because what the hell else are we supposed to do when a celebrity presents a $75 home product that smells like “her orgasm”? It invites perversion. Or is it just me? Am I making it weird? I mean, who is the target demographic here if not a bunch of horny-for-Gwenyth randos who want to take their fantasy relationship to the next level?

Gwenyth, if you’re reading this, I don’t know that this is something you want to encourage. Even for the 400% profit margin you’re undoubtedly pulling in.

Anyway, back to the details. Goop, Gwyneth’s lifestyle brand for the extremely rich and bored, features the candle on their website with the tantalizing description: “tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose absolutes for a scent that’s sexy, surprising, and wildly addictive.”

It does sound like it smells nice, doesn’t it? It seems like Jimmy Fallon certainly thinks so. Check out Gwenyth’s appearance on his show to promote her candle. Somebody’s blushing…

You know, it is nice to see a woman embracing the name, odor, and general existence of the vagina. Maybe Gwenyth’s orgasm candle is less creepy masturbation fodder and more female empowerment. Yeah, let’s go with that!

Apart from her businesswoman endeavors, Gwyneth’s gone back to her roots in the acting world; you can catch her as Ben Platt’s adoptive mother in the Ryan Murphy hit “The Politician.’ I started watching last night after exhausting every other form of media produced in the last decade, and it’s not bad! It’s easy to make fun of Goop, but Paltrow’s acting chops are unassailable, as is, as it seems from her Fallon appearance, her sense of humor.

If you can’t afford the steep price tag to get your hands on Gwen’s crotch fog candle, check out this hack to make the most of the candle remnants you already own.

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