As someone in her first romantic relationship at 25, I’ve spent all my young adult life with my friends. They’re the people I laugh with, cry with, vent with, travel with. My friends are the ones that I’ve shared all the big moments with. But I haven’t seen them as much lately.
Now that I’m in a romantic relationship and all my friends are balancing different work and social calendars, I’m struggling to balance my platonic and romantic relationships.
Struggling to Balance Different Relationships
It used to be a no-brainer that I would see my friends on the weekend. Now, I find myself at home with my boyfriend on Friday nights. And don’t get me wrong, I love spending time at home with him. In fact, I cherish those peaceful moments; they make me feel loved and cared for. But, I have to admit that sometimes when I’m at a quiet dinner with Jesse, I wonder if there’s something else I’m “supposed” to be doing. I don’t see my friends as much as I used to, and I fear it will take a toll on my mental health.
Do I still make enough time for my friends now that I have another person in my life? How do I balance what I loved about being single with what I love about being in a relationship? Or do I have to accept that I can’t have it all?
Galentines Vs. Valentines
With the approach of February 14th, these mixed emotions have been more pronounced. So, I set out to talk to other twenty-somethings about how they balance the different relationships in their lives. Who are they celebrating the love holiday with?
I’ve seen more and more celebrations of friendship instead of romantic nights out on social media. But that doesn’t erase the decades-old idea that you’re supposed to spend Valentines Day on a date with your significant other.
In that special time in life when your friends are your family, you might be falling in love, meeting your soulmate, or even going through a hard break-up. I wanted to see if I could learn anything from other people’s relationship balancing acts, and work out an approach to make sure I continue to value my platonic relationships as my romantic relationship progresses.
Friends Can Be Soulmates Too
From talking with other twenty-somethings in different relationship statuses, it’s clear that the importance of platonic relationships cannot be understated at this time in our lives. Our friends are incredibly meaningful to us, even if we sometimes take our relationships with them for granted.
As my therapist, Sheila, told me on Thursday, “Friends bring something special to your life that you can’t get from other relationships. They’re a reflection of you—they help you see what you bring to the table.” It’s so special to have people in your life who are not there because they have to be. They don’t gain anything from your relationship besides your company and friendship.
So, while many of us search for romantic partners to spend our lives with, I think it’s especially important to remember that your friends bring a unique type of emotional fulfillment to your life. Culturally, especially as women, we’re taught that our lives only have meaning if we have a romantic partner to share it with. Society pressures us to enter into romantic relationships in hopes of finding a mate and instills a fear of being single. But for most people in their twenties, their most consistent relationships are with their friends.
Until I met Jesse, my friends were the only people in my life that have consistently been there for me. My best friend Haley is the person who has taught me the most about love. Friendships like that should be valued at least as much as we value romantic relationships. In our twenties, when breakups and makeups are always around the corner, friends might be even more important in the long run. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, “Maybe our girlfriends are our true soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
Making Time for the Platonic and Romantic
When I talked to other twenty-somethings about balancing relationships, I found that uncertainty about how to spend our time is not uncommon. One 23-year-old interviewee shared “I feel like I have more friends than time and feel I unfortunately have to prioritize. But time with friends noticeably increases my mental health, so it’s a top priority.”
Hearing that platonic relationships are a large part of other people’s mental health was validating. No matter how much we love our romantic partners, there is something rejuvenating about spending time with our friends.
Writing this article has reminded me that it’s important to intentionally make time for your friends. As another interviewee shared, “I find that with romantic partners it’s easier to unconsciously make the time, whereas with my friendships I need to put some effort in to make sure we’re seeing each other and catching up.”
With this in mind, I am going to be intentional about scheduling at least two friend hangouts per week. Even if it’s just a quick lunch, seeing my friends always makes me feel grounded and connected to my values.
Be Easy with Yourself
If you’re feeling conflicted about spending too much or too little time with certain people, remember that at the end of the day, it’s quality over quantity. Your real friends will be happy to see you once a week if you’re present and intentional about time with them.
Sheila taught me that, on average, humans can handle six close relationships at a time. Those six relationships are going to change throughout your life. Partners might knock someone down to number seven, breakups may bring friends back into the fold. Sometimes relationships just change regardless of your relationship status. And that’s ok. That doesn’t make you a bad friend or a bad partner—it makes you human.
Trust Your Gut
Bringing a new person into your life can be hard. It might come with some growing pains. At the end of the day, you know what makes you happy. If you feel like something in your life is unbalanced, listen to that feeling and try something new. Changing and making compromises is normal, but if you find yourself forgetting about the importance of your platonic relationships, take a closer look at how you spend your time and who you connect with.
Say you end up with your current romantic partner. Who’s gonna be your bridesmaid if you don’t continue to place value on your friendships? No matter your romantic status, you need the emotional fulfillment that friends bring to your life.
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Going Forward
Therefore, I’m going to dedicate some time every week to my friends and try to do what feels good for me and my relationships. If you relate to this article, listen to yourself. Reflect on what fills your cup up and what gets you through the week. There’s no right or wrong way to spend your time as long as you’re happy.
