Ghosting. Whether we’ve experienced it or heard stories from our friends, we have all been connected to it at some point in our lives. Rejection is a normal part of life, but our inability to be direct might actually do more harm than good.
A college student’s experience
Ghosting has become incredibly common in the dating sphere, especially in the digital space.
I reached out to a friend of mine, Ana, who sat down with me in an interview. As someone with a history of dating apps, Ana has quite an abundance of stories on the subject.
“I had a guy who I was talking to, just for a couple of days, but he was sending paragraphs,” Ana said. “He was very interested in sharing about himself and getting to know me, which I thought was a green flag. . . . He was like, ‘I love Star Wars! Let me tell you about my favorite movies. What are your favorite movies?’ And then just one day — nothing.”
Ana shared that an experience like that can be jarring, especially once you have an emotional investment in the person and hope for a future relationship.
“I was pretty distraught about it, because he was cute! He was really cute. And he was very sweet.”
When I asked her to tell me more about the emotional impact of being ghosted, she expressed disappointment in the lack of closure.
“It’s just this feeling of, like, what did I do wrong? What repulsed him so much that he never wanted to talk to me again? Or, did he find someone better? And it’s just— I wish he had blocked me or something. Because then I’d know. And there isn’t that hope that one day they’ll see your messages and respond again. The worst part is the not knowing.”
The culture around dating apps
When someone ghosts you, they deny you any sort of clarity on the reason why they are cutting communication. In an in-person setting, this would be so cruel. Could you imagine just walking away from someone in the middle of a conversation, never to return again?
I think it’s the fact that modern dating has been relegated to the online sphere that this problem has become so prevalent. The way dating apps are set up is automatically a very competitive system. A person’s whole being is condensed into a few photos, and we all know it’s impossible to judge someone’s character from a screen.
“In dating apps, there’s this culture of — if you’re not immediately interesting — it’s so easy to just click off.”
“The system is very, ‘swipe, swipe, swipe,’ and there are all these possibilities. You’re one person in a million,” Ana elaborated. “There’s this culture of — if you’re not immediately interesting — it’s so easy to just click off.”
In our digital age, we live in a world where massive amounts of information come at us every day from the second we open our phones. It’s difficult to slow down during those instances, when you can so easily move on to the next thing.
“On dating apps, from the beginning, it’s very physical . . . as you’re seeing each other [for the first time], and getting to know each other,” she said. “It may depersonalize you, or desensitize you.”
I think what Ana pointed out there is what lies at the core of this issue — the sense of social separation between the ‘ghoster’ and the person they decide to ghost.
Is ghosting an epidemic?
Ana isn’t alone in this experience. A 2023 survey by Forbes found that, in a pool of 5,000 US participants who have actively dated at some point in the last five years, around 76% have either ghosted or been ghosted in the context of dating. Nearly 2 in 3 people claim to have been ghosted before, while almost 1 in 2 say they have ghosted another person.
Evidently, ghosting is pervasive in the current dating climate. But when I asked Ana this question, she was hesitant to call it an ‘epidemic.’
“I don’t know if it’s an epidemic. I certainly think the digital, romantic world is maybe propagating the idea of ghosting, because it’s very much a part of the culture of online dating. . . . If you’re going into that sphere, you should be prepared for that.”
While Ana admitted that she hasn’t pursued any relationships beyond the first few meet-ups, her insights nevertheless emphasize how normalized ghosting has become in the online space.
Further, behavior like this runs the risk of developing into a bigger issue if individuals bring it to in-person interactions, like standing someone up on a date.
What drives someone to ghost?
A person might decide to stop talking to someone for a multitude of reasons. In the Forbes survey, participants provided answers such as not enjoying the other person’s personality, or they weren’t invested enough in the relationship to feel the need to respond to them.
However, the survey also found that women were more likely to claim they ghosted someone because they were “scared or intimidated” by the individual (13% of women, compared to 10% of men).
In my conversation with Ana, she also expressed that safety is definitely something she keeps an eye out for. She stays wary of red flags during early exchanges to prevent future dangerous situations.
Another point she brought up was how the design of the dating apps themselves almost encourages you to abandon small exchanges, because you have limitless other options.
“It’s not hard to make that choice,” Ana explained, “because [you] can just keep going. . . . And it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of repercussions.”
This lack of perceived consequences makes sense. Your phone screens put up a literal divider between you and the person you are talking to. It blinds you to their life on the other side and the impact your actions have on the other person’s well-being.
I think a fear of awkwardness or discomfort is the main reason why people don’t give justifications for cutting contact. The nature of social media and online spaces in general makes it easy to escape a situation of discomfort. People choose to ghost because it takes less effort. At the click of a button, you can move on.
But sometimes, working through that discomfort will actually help you grow. The people who avoid sharpening that ability — who decide to ghost instead of have a thoughtful conversation — only put their lack of emotional maturity on display.
What to do instead: Ana’s closing advice
“Just be upfront,” Ana suggested to anyone who might be considering ghosting another. “You don’t have to wait for them to respond, but you can give them the closure, and they can take it however they need to take it. I would say the worst part about [being ghosted] is the lack of clarity on what you’ve done. So, yeah, providing reasoning for that.”
We both agreed that if you’re respectful in conveying your thoughts, the other person’s reaction is not on you. Of course, if safety is in any way a concern, don’t worry about all the fluff! But otherwise, you don’t need to feel guilty for however they respond.
“Once you’ve done your part, they can feel how they need to feel,” Ana said. “And that’s their journey.”
