Bachelor in Paradise is already amping up the drama in its second week, with five hours—yes, five—of beachside makeouts, heated exchanges, and one of the most shocking rose ceremonies we’ve seen in a while.
We finally get the iconic “Almost Paradise” intro back (remixed with a rap verse for some reason?) and a half-hearted attempt at individual cast intros; aka everyone sprints up to the camera one by one for their moment of glory. But hey, I’m not mad about it because the chaotic and almost always shady subtitles are back too. Thank you, editors.
Oh, and did I mention? The Goldens are here. Somehow, they’re even hornier than the OGs.
Brian “steals” Zoe’s rose and forgets she exists
We already knew Brian was the type of guy who low-key hates women, and right now, he hates Zoe. After getting a rose from her last week and knowing the power is in his hands this time, Zoe no longer exists to him. He literally ignores her at breakfast, then immediately ditches her when Alli Jo and Parisa (both from Grant’s Season) jet-ski in to meet the boys.
Later, in a game of “Kiss and Don’t Tell” the cast swipes right or left on who they’d kiss outside their connections. If it’s a match, they meet privately at the kissing booth. I thought they’re in Paradise to get off the dating apps?
Of course, Brian matches with Parisa and fully makes out with her. Then later that night, he’s kissing her again on a double date with Alli Jo and Jonathon. Spencer sums it up the best, eyeroll included: “I don’t think Brian is here for love. I think Brian’s here to cop a feel and hang out on a beach.”
Honestly… yeah.
Ex on the beach
If there’s one thing this franchise will always do, it’s bring in your ex at exactly the worst time.
Lexi, who’s been vibing with Justin, opens up about her fear that he’s not fully over his ex, Susie (Clayton’s Season). The two were friends-turned-lovers, and their relationship ended only four months ago. Lexi’s trauma creeps in, and just as she puts a pause on things with Justin, Susie arrives. During a thunderstorm. It’s great TV.
Susie and Justin talk… and cry. A lot. It might not be clear to them, but it’s painfully obvious to everyone watching that there’s still something there. Why either of them thought it was a good idea to come to Paradise, let alone at the same time, is beyond me.
Susie ends up taking Jeremy on a jet-ski date, and he’s immediately obsessed. But Bailey, who’s been cozy with Jeremy, is totally cool with it, because it’s only Week Two. Everyone’s still exploring. Duh.
Meanwhile, Jonathon goes on yet another date. This time with Jill (Clayton’s Season, BIP Season 8). She’s giving semi-cringe, semi-relatable, full-on millennial-core energy. Their Twister game is as PG as it gets, but Jonathon admits that Jill is making his decision between her and Alexe harder than he expected.
Sisterhood of the traveling rose
It’s Rose Ceremony time. Here’s how it goes: Spencer gives his rose to Jess, Dale picks Kat, Jeremy chooses Bailey, Brian gives his rose to Parisa, and Jonathon sticks with Alexe.
Last up is Justin. He tries to give his rose to…Susie?! Did we all hallucinate the part where you said you were here to move on?
Susie shuts it down, rightfully. He sadly storms off. She follows. Whether or not he was just looking out for her, it wasn’t a good look, and they both ended up leaving. But before he goes, Justin extends his rose to Jill. She says no, too! What is going on? But the rest of the cast talks her down and reminds her: a friendship rose means another week to find someone new. She reconsiders and stays.
That means Alli Jo, Zoe, and Lexi say their goodbyes.
The Goldens (and Andrew) get the party started
The Golden cast sails in hot, margaritas in hand and ready for a summer of fun. This villa’s been feeling way too serious, so thank god we’re getting some comic relief.
A few standouts from Gerry’s Season are here: April, the flirty bombshell who knows exactly what she’s doing; Kathy, Caitlyn Jenner’s long-lost twin; and Natascha, who’s wearing literal chair earrings. She’s so cute!
Some of the men from Joan’s Season are Kim the Captain and Jack, who’s basically a loveable meatball.
RJ (also from Joan’s Season) and Natascha start flirting before they even hit the sand, and April’s already making out with Jack in the pool. So yeah, they understood the assignment.
Just when things seem fun and flirty, Andrew (Katie’s Season, Paradise Season 8) arrives. He comes in with a date card and whisks Bailey away for a coffee-themed spa day. Jeremy? Not thrilled. Which leads us to…
Jeremy’s temper tantrum
Let’s talk about it. He just went on a date with Susie. But because Bailey apparently told him she’s here for him, he’s suddenly spiraling over her going out with someone else.
He breaks the fourth wall and starts ranting to producers. Just admit that you regret choosing Bailey, and now you’re panicking! It’s giving toddler energy. What makes this even better is that he tries to call Susie to win her back. Eww. Thankfully, she shuts him down immediately.
But of course, when Bailey returns, she reassures Jeremy that she wants to continue their connection, and he magically wants her again. I’m over it. I’m over him. He literally takes himself on a solo spa day to sulk. Goodbye.
Secrets are revealed
The Goldens and the OGs come together for yet another game. This time, they’re spilling their juiciest secrets, but only the most shocking confession has to reveal itself. And guess what? It’s Kathy. She admits she once slept with someone while her partner was in the next room. Savage. Her prize for cheating? Keys to the VIP suite with Keith (Joan’s Season).
Meanwhile, Sean arrives. He’s the one always draped in cashmere from Charity’s Season. He’s your classic rich white frat guy who definitely peaked in sophomore year. Can’t say I missed him. He asks Jill out, not because he’s interested, but because he needs a rose and she’s visibly single. Déjà vu, anyone?
Elsewhere, Alexe officially friend-zones Jonathon. But being the good guy he is, he wipes her tears and wraps her in a hug while looking immaculate in a tight white tank and slutty little glasses. Come on, Alexe. What’s not to love?
More importantly, though, Jonathon’s in hot water with Jill after some serious miscommunication. The episode ends with the two of them mid-argument, and Jonathon’s fate isn’t looking too good. His only hope may be April. After all, she did say her door is wide open…
Tune in next Monday to find out.
