In recent years, the “situationship” has grown in popularity as a stepping-stone towards—or altogether alternative to—conventional dating styles.
With the growing roles that online connections and social media play in our daily lives, Gen-Z is experiencing a tangible shift away from dating culture of the past. What does this mean for modern romance and dating standards?
What is a situationship?
A situationship is a romantic or sexual relationship that isn’t official or explicitly established.
Often, communication takes place online, through social media, or DMs. This dating style, with its emphasis on digital over in-person communication, hinges on acknowledging your feelings for someone else without committing to a full-blown relationship.
Why are situationships on the rise?
With the exponential growth of the Internet, social media, and texting as means of making connections , situationships facilitate a “gray area” in the sphere of romance.
While this can function as a safe haven for some, it can spell a confusing mess for others.
Pros of situationships
An exploratory, low-risk strategy for new daters
In general, social media gives young people a space for self-exploration. From curating a vibe on your Instagram page to reposting your favorite TikToks, social media lets us craft our image online. This creates a divergence between the “real you” and the version of yourself you want others to see.
For online dating and situationships, this can help those new to dating culture explore romance with lower stakes and commitment levels, and less vulnerability than you’d have in a conventional relationship. So if you don’t want your situationship to know how socially awkward you are at parties, you can radiate confidence through flirty messages on Snapchat.
This lessened face-to-face communication can make your first steps towards romance less intimidating and more accessible. By extension, this romantic dynamic can help new daters gain knowledge about what they look for in a partner, how to voice their desires, and gain experience with modern dating culture.
Like first relationships, a situationship can be viewed less as an endgame endeavor, and moreso as an opportunity to better understand your wants, your needs, and yourself.
A non-heteronormative alternative to navigate romance for queer youth
On top of the benefits situationships have to offer for those just beginning their dating journey, they also create a space for LGBTQ+ young people to delve into romance outside of the heteronormative constraints of conventional dating.
In some queer relationships, the nuances of dating already exist—it’s a balance between navigating personal romantic needs and broader romantic norms. Away from the sometimes suffocating forces of labels and gender-based expectations in relationships, situationships expand on an exploratory vibe that many queer romances can benefit from.
After all, there’s no need to follow the formalities of chivalry or put pressure on just one person to initiate romantic gestures in a relationship with two women, for example. This can help put both people on equal footing in a relationship, and place emphasis on meeting your partner’s specific needs instead of appealing to the social expectations of what you should be doing.
Focused on voicing desires, embracing curiosity, and discovering the unique connection between you and your love interest, situationships can break down the straight-centric barriers that can hinder other romantic dynamics.
Success story: a healthy transition to becoming official
Although situationships have an almost infamous reputation on social media for the frustrations, yearning, and lack of communication they can entail, it is possible to transition from the gray area of a situationship to a healthy, official relationship.
I was with someone who was non-binary; we were officially together for a couple years, but we started as a situationship. As my first queer relationship, it was a learning experience for me, especially since we chose not to put a label on things for a while. It felt freeing knowing we were on the same page and could connect on common experiences around being queer, but didn’t feel pressured to jump into anything.
I was glad to have the space to explore my sexuality and how I wanted to express and receive affection, and test our compatibility before becoming official. The whole relationship helped me develop a new perspective on romance and the queer experience.
– Dahlia, 19
Cons of situationships
The frustrations of non-commitment
Though their benefits exist, many might attest that the non-committal, unserious nature of situationships can lead to miscommunication or misaligned ideas of what kind of relationship two people are in.
The nature of situationships is like a double-edged sword: for some, their lack of strict labels or defined commitments can feel freeing. But others build resentment and insecurity around the mixed signals, absence of discussions on official labels, and/or their partner’s unwillingness to clarify their intentions.
Lackluster communication
Because situationships have drastically altered the landscape in which Gen-Z daters experience romance, they have, in turn, changed—perhaps even lowered—the standards of what one can expect from their partner. This is especially true with communication skills.
One common ramification of situationships is breadcrumbing, where one person scarcely texts another to maintain interest without committing to them. In a similar vein is ghosting, an abrupt end to contact altogether. Both communication styles can be employed to manipulate a romantic partner, usually by giving the impression that making things official is possible.
Because of misaligned or unmet needs, both can also breed insecurity, lack of trust, and a sense of superficiality in conversations with a situationship.
Situationship fail: an example of what can go wrong
We never really talked about what we were. In honesty, I was probably more non-committal than him. I definitely clarified my intentions, but he never really clarified his. I didn’t really know what he wanted the outcome to be, and I don’t think he knew either. Once I told him I didn’t want to get into a serious relationship, things kind of just fizzled out. We seemed to be on different pages all the time.
– Ariel, 19
When two people are “on different pages” or can’t both discuss their needs and have sensitive conversations with each other, it can be difficult to sustain a meaningful connection.
In a ‘situationship’? Here’s some advice
Have the hard conversations
If you’ve been in a situationship for awhile and still don’t know where you stand with the other person, sometimes the best thing to do is just ask.
In any relationship—friendships, kinships, and partnerships—you can’t always keep it light. Establishing honest communication as a cornerstone of your connection can embolden you or your lover to better express where your hearts and values are, as well as what you each want out of your relationship.
Establish boundaries and voice your needs
By having deeper conversations with your partner, each of you can consider where you want the relationship to go.
It’s important to disclose your own romantic boundaries, but equally important is asking your partner for their own needs and where they stand. Even deciding on mutual goals for the relationship—whether it be checking in with each other throughout the day, expressing feelings and concerns more regularly, or putting more effort towards meeting each other’s romantic desires—can facilitate a healthier atmosphere and increase the common ground in a relationship.
While it may be tempting to put up walls and avoid vulnerability when navigating relationships online, voicing what you want out—a serious commitment, a casual connection, or otherwise—can save you from a world of confusion (and heartbreak).
Expand communication beyond the realm of technology
Though online dating can feel more attainable for new daters, transforming a situationship to something more serious may mean expanding the bounds of how you interact with each other. This could entail planning more dates in-person, talking face-to-face more, and putting more effort and mindfulness towards physical intimacy.
Spending time together through embodied (in-person) communication—with eye contact, physicality, social cues, voice intonation, and body language—can help you understand how both you and your situationship behave individually, and interact with each other. This knowledge can push your romance beyond just physical attraction or infatuation, and cultivate a genuine emotional connection essential to a more serious relationship.
The takeaway
Situationships can foster an environment of growth, safety, and introspection in the realm of modern dating. Though these positives can best be observed in new and/or queer relationships, their downsides—including miscommunication, misaligned needs, and subsequent heartache—can occur in any situationship.
Because the situationship is highly flawed with its substantial cons, it isn’t exactly a “gold standard” dating template for modern romance. However, relationships are made unique by the people in them; above all, it is important to explore both you and your partner’s individual needs. While you may start in a situationship, you may decide to commit to each other in a more concrete way. Or, you might realize that conventional dating styles don’t suit you altogether. In any case, retaining mutual values, respect, and communication should remain at the heart of your relationship.
