Throughout life, we are faced with those particular kinds of decisions that leave us so indecisive it almost hurts. Do you move to the new city, leave the dead-end job, start a new relationship—how do you learn to trust yourself to do the right thing?
In my experience, I sometimes feel my intuition screaming so loud I can hardly hear anything else, yet I just can’t quite seem to listen to it. I tell myself I should give it more time, stay put, that I’m not ready.
This second-guessing can mask itself as being responsible, calculated, or rational, but, in reality, it can steal away the adventure, opportunity, and genuine happiness your body is begging you to reach out and grab.
Intuition in an age of alienation
We as humans rely on our sight, smell, touch, hearing, and taste to guide us through everything, each of which we trust our body to communicate. Yet when it comes to intuition and the general knowing we’re all familiar with, we often disregard it as superstition.
*Steps up onto soapbox*
If you were to ask me, I fear this disconnection from our inner knowing has been encouraged by the individualistic, capitalist society we live in—one that strips us of our creativity and pressures us to conform.
German philosopher and sociologist Erich Fromm dedicated his work to exploring how economics and social structure shape human experience. One of his most notable works is The Sane Society, in which he argues that capitalist culture pushes us to fit in and “be normal,” stifling uniqueness and authenticity.
He argues that the alienation we’re facing in modern society is actually more insane than sane, shocked that we would create a world that prioritizes profit and consumerism over genuine human happiness.
So that inner knowing, that deep intuition about who we are and what we want to do? It’s being bulldozed over by our need to consume and do what everyone else is doing.
I want to emphasize that society teaches this need. If a human were free of socialization and external pressure, I would bet my life they would gravitate toward a life of art and expression instead of doing faceless work behind a desk.
Trusting ourselves becomes a tug-of-war when our authentic intuition rubs up against the expectations of what we’re supposed to do. Don’t move to the new city: it’s too expensive and crazy for someone like you. Don’t quit the job: you need the money, and who knows when you’ll get another one. Don’t take a risk on that relationship: the happiness isn’t worth the heartbreak.
It can feel like swimming upstream when you try to overcome these thoughts discouraging you from reaching for something more. In all honesty, it’s devastating that we’re all so afraid—myself included.
The high cost of staying put
Recently, I parted ways with a job I was once convinced I would work at for many more years. I loved my job, felt supported by my coworkers, and was excited about the growth and opportunity ahead of me.
Around a year and a half in, I started to feel a shift. The company was remodeling its expectations and workflow, communication amongst the team became disjointed, and the energy around the office started to sour.
I felt this shift and saw it as clearly as I’ve ever seen anything in my life, but I kept convincing myself I was being too sensitive. Get it together! It’s just work; learn to compartmentalize better, I told myself in the car. But every day when I came in, I felt the job I once loved slip farther and farther away, replaced by a position I no longer recognized.
My employers slowly diminished my role. They never really told me what was going on, because I don’t think they ever really knew either. When I asked for clarification or resources, they told me, shockingly: “That’s just the way it is here, and there’s nothing you can do.”
This dead-end solution left me feeling discouraged, confused, and, honestly, angry—but I still felt stuck. I couldn’t trust myself to walk away and figure out my life outside of this job that I had already poured so much into.
I listed all the positives and ignored the negatives. But over time, the negatives started to pull at my chest, leaving me heavy with anxiety and depression. My whole body was communicating the same thing to me: Leave this environment. We will figure it out, but you gotta get out of here, girl.
I fought it—to the point where I found myself crying at work out of frustration multiple times a week. And I just have to say, no f*cking job is worth that. Please, unless your life depends on it, don’t let a job (and the capitalist expectations for you to be an emotionless robot) keep you somewhere that’s hurting you.
Dial up the volume on your inner knowing
I think the biggest contributor to my prolonged unhappiness was my own gaslighting. I know I’m a sensitive, emotional person—it’s simply a part of who I am. While I consider this my greatest strength, it has also caused me more harm than good at times. I can feel the energy in a room, and I can’t help but track the undercurrents swirling around the people in it. And I don’t mean this in an I’m psychic and know something you don’t way. I mean it in a my nervous system just happens to be finely attuned way, often to the point where I get overwhelmed because I can’t control what I absorb from those around me.
And I shouldn’t say “I can’t control”—I should say “I haven’t learned yet.” Because that’s what this is all about, isn’t it? Learning to trust yourself, to know yourself, to take care of yourself.
But even though I knew this about myself, I told myself to suck it up. Everyone else in the world deals with mistreatment at work; everyone deals with being undermined. You’re not special. Our society tends to turn up its nose at “being special.” We cringe when someone uses a reason like this to justify leaving work, particularly because it is a place where we’re expected to suppress all emotion.
I couldn’t imagine going into work and confidently saying, “I don’t want to work here anymore because the communication amongst staff makes me feel bad, I’m suffocating from the negativity and insecurity around the office, and I cry with frustration and unfairness because I’m sensitive to dynamics like this.”
Can you imagine? I saw my other coworkers compartmentalizing just fine, which only made me gaslight myself more. If they can do it, I should be able to do it too.
But you know what? I don’t want to subscribe to that anymore. If the person sitting next to me is content but I’m miserable, that doesn’t define or discredit my misery. You wouldn’t force your friend to eat shrimp if they hated seafood, even if you loved it. It’s just a preference—it’s not special, it’s just different. We, as human beings, are different from each other. That’s what makes this whole experience on Earth special.
In the context of dinner plans, extending that understanding is easy. But in the context of work, for some reason, that same empathy exits stage left.
Value whether you like shrimp or not just as much as whether you like your job. Well, eating preferences may not be as important as your livelihood, but learning to honor your dislikes—especially the ones that shape your daily life—is just as important as figuring out what you do like. And if you simply don’t want to be there anymore, there shouldn’t be a massive weight strapped to your chest like you’ve failed. It’s not failing—it’s making decisions.
As Erich Fromm argues, it’s not those who seek joy and excitement who are irrational but rather those who stay chained to work and productivity even when it makes them miserable and alienated from life.
It is hard, though. We live in a world where we’re consumed by the need to consume, and we have to have jobs that provide us with the resources we need to survive. I wish there were a magic spell to figure out how to live authentically while still going through the motions of society.
But I believe, truly, that you can find a balance of work and life that feels fulfilling. Maybe the magic involved is just believing in yourself a little extra or taking a few more risks that pay off in a big way.
Having a moment of pure autonomy and freedom can feel like magic. Remembering that we’re alive simply to be alive can be freeing. And taking that approach to your decision-making, rather than being driven by fear, can shift your perspective in an instant.
Working within the system, but for yourself
Now, I’m not saying quit your job and take up painting in the name of living your best life. We still need to pay our bills, support our loved ones, and use money to get us to the places we want to go. The economy and its grip aren’t going away anytime soon—it gifts us a lot of freedom in a lot of ways. But this is about learning to trust yourself to navigate the world within the confines we live in.
You absolutely can create a life you love. Moving to that new city is just a car ride away. That new job will appear the moment you open yourself up to opportunity. That new relationship could end up being your forever person. But we need to trust ourselves to lead us there.
It starts small: getting to know yourself a little better. Sit with her long enough to let her speak up. What does she think about things? Tuning into your inner voice and needs isn’t selfish; it’s how you learn what your preferences are, separate from the world’s expectations. That voice may whisper at first, but the more you listen and empower yourself in your knowing, the louder it gets.
I know, at least for me, it often feels wrong to speak about what I really want, almost like being confident to share your dreams makes you delusional. Oh, they think they’re special, pursuing dreams that will never happen.
Why not? It actually is insane that being someone who goes after what they want can be seen as radical and irresponsible. How far we have fallen from pursuing a belonging and meaning we can no longer recognize.
Being unemployed has left me with a lot of time to think about what I want to do next: I want my work to mirror my creativity, I want to feel connected to what I’m doing, I want to feel valued for the work I do, and I want to express myself through my work. And I know this with 100% certainty. I don’t think it’s insane, and I don’t think I’m more special than anyone else for wanting it. I’m just making decisions that honor who I am, and I’ll let my trust in myself lead me where I need to go.
You don’t always have to have a plan or have it all figured out. You just need to feel safe in your hands, knowing you will figure it out. You’ve got your own back, babe. Once you start acting like it, there’s nothing to be afraid of.
And I write this as a pep talk to you—and to myself. I’m still learning too, every day, always.
No need to prove, just live
I wish I could say I woke up today and found the perfect job that just fell into my lap after I started trusting myself—but that’s not how it works, nor how we’d want it to. Having real confidence in yourself means holding steady even when things aren’t perfect. There’s so much adversity and unpredictability in life. Knowing you can hold your ground when the world is shifting around you is the deepest trust and self-knowing you can have.
The last couple of weeks I’ve spent unemployed have actually made me realize I’m more excited than anything. I’m not stressed about not having a job or worried that I gave up or that I’m not cut out for whatever I think I “should” be. I’m just grateful I have a relationship with myself that allows me to feel secure in who I am, trusting that I’ll find what’s next for me. Accepting yourself, starting from the inside out, is truly where the real work begins.
So honor yourself. Honor your preferences. Go with what feels natural to you and what brings you joy. We’re often the best at the things that already align with some part of us. Build your relationship with yourself out of curiosity—it isn’t a chore to figure things out; it’s an adventure. Something that keeps it interesting. If we all had it figured out already, there wouldn’t be any surprises.
And if you find yourself crying at work—or crying in general over a situation that you have full capability to change—change it! Life is too short to keep trying to prove something you can’t even identify to someone you don’t even know. You are the most important judge of your life. Own that authority with confidence.
Trust yourself. Breathe. Listen to that little voice inside you that’s trying to guide you. She knows.
