Being in a relationship, I have found it comes with its own hardships. As much as I love my partner, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
Mental struggles come along with any major relationship. Romantic ones are no exception. The key thing is to acknowledge it and have courage. Happiness will come with work. Be prepared for that work.
The mental aspect
If you struggle with mental health like me, a romantic relationship will need extra work to make it healthy. There are so many ways a romance can easily become toxic. One way it can is your mindset going into the relationship.
Romantic movies, books, and #relationship goals make it seem like a relationship will finally make you happy.
I’ll tell you one thing: they aren’t going to fix you, they can’t. When I was younger and depressed, I used to think that if I could fall in love, it’d make me happy. One day, when I did, it brought me joy, but it didn’t alter my brain chemistry or change my history in a way that made me free from depression.
Your mental health is tricky to navigate on its own, and so are relationships. The reality is that both require a lot of work.
If you go into a relationship putting the weight of “fixing” you on another person, you’ll end up resentful because they can’t. But that’s just the beginning; mental health struggles affect relationships in a whole host of ways.
Romantic relationships have a habit of getting you stuck in your own head, if you aren’t already there. Especially in the early months, worrying. “Do they feel the same way I do?” “Are they looking at me because they think I’m pretty, or is there food on my face?”
When arguments arise, it can feel like the end of something, and at the same time, it is all too easy to get stuck in a relationship that is not good for you.
They can affect and be affected by attachment issues, insecurities, and mental health.
Attachment issues
Most of us have probably heard of attachment styles. Though the quizzes are not 100 percent accurate, they can give you some idea as to how relationships affect you. It is always good to be armed with information that can help you have better and healthier intrapersonal relationships.
Generally, an attachment style forms because of a person’s experience in any kind of relationship from a young age. They inform how they interpret and behave in relationships into adulthood.
Attachment styles can be anxious, disorganized, avoidant, or secure. Personally, I find my attachment style is a mix. I find myself agonizing over a text back that has yet to reach my inbox. Worrying about the perceived end of a relationship, I begin to engage in fight or flight. I start to think maybe it would be better if I were the first to leave.
It takes hard work to navigate unhealthy attachment styles with another person, particularly if their attachment style differs from your own.
Fortunately, attachment styles can grow and change with effort.
Attachment styles can be worked through so that you can form a healthy relationship, as opposed to a toxic one. Because attachment styles can affect your perception and actions, they can come with a fair amount of mental anguish.
Insecurities
Everyone has their insecurities, but when they run amok, they can seriously harm you. Sometimes a relationship or dating can put a magnifying glass on them as you worry about being the perfect partner or looking a particular way.
Personally, I find myself needing a lot of reassurance in a romantic relationship that I am wanted, loved, and cared for, but often I get insecure, too, about the amount of reassurance I need.
The best thing to do is to ask for reassurance if you need it, but work on growing your own self-worth and minimizing your insecurities.
Some people say that you can’t love another person unless you love yourself, and while I do not wholeheartedly disagree, I do think that there is something to be said about working to increase your self-worth, especially in a relationship. Ultimately, self-worth has to come from within, and no one else can give it to you.
Not to mention the way modern dating, especially on the apps, is like a supercharged antoagoinizer for insecurity. With little space to add your personality to your profile, dating apps often feel like a looks competition. Like social media, they can become addictive. The two things are very similar, based on the scroll and likes.
If you feel that you are struggling immensely with insecurity and your mental health, it is best to reach out to someone, especially a professional. No matter what, your personal health and safety should come first.
When things go wrong
In any kind of relationship, there will be conflict, but these can feel like a difficult storm to weather.
It’s best to navigate conflict healthily, but this is no easy feat when it can leave you feeling isolated, afraid, hurt, or powerless. Depending on your attachment style or underlying mental health conditions, a conflict can create immense feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, or anger.
These emotions can be intense and overpowering, and it is important to remember the importance of self-regulation to navigate them safely. That being said, it can and will be painful.
Healthy communication is key, especially in times of distress. This is not always easy. Sometimes it takes time apart to decompress, sometimes you might feel like breaking the tension with a joke, but some things have no place in a relationship, which appear especially in conflict, such as abuse of any kind, yelling or shouting, things should not end up broken, etc.
While this might seem like a no-brainer, in the heat of the moment, it may feel difficult not to raise your voice; take time to let the moment cool down a little bit.
Just be careful
By no means am I saying that mental struggles make a romantic relationship impossible. What I want to get at is that while relationships might seem like a joyful cure-all when presented in pop culture, it comes with difficulty and struggle. None of this can be surmounted, however, when the necessary amount of effort is put in.
Working on personal skills, self-worth, emotional regulation, and healthy communication can make a relationship blossom. While relationships seem like they come easy to couples on TikTok posting #relationshipgoals, or the couple from your favorite romcom, like so many things in media, they are not a representation of real life.
The difficulty and pain that occur in romance shouldn’t be ignored; they should be approached with caution and the tools to handle them. Dating, romance, and relationships can create their own mental hellscape.
So be careful, and be brave.
