The word “home” means different things to different people. It is commonly used to refer to family and community, comfort and security, or a distinguished set of values and customs. Friends, like family, can be a safe haven.
My friends and I met in our first year of university. We’d all just moved out of home into the same student hostel in Hamilton, New Zealand, to study.
But my friends (whom I’ll refer to by their first initials) and I all came from different places, backgrounds, and experiences.
K had lived in the Waikato region all her life; our uni was an hour’s drive from her family farm. S, throughout her life, had lived in 5 different countries. Korea, where her parents lived during our first year, was a 10-12 hour flight from New Zealand. G’s family lived the closest (only 15 minutes away), yet the place she truly considered to be home was on the other side of the world.
Therefore, we all have differing views on what the word “home” means.
Moving: A major experience
But my friends aren’t a small minority who’ve decided to ditch their family to pick up textbooks. According to the journal article Bridging the Gap, research undertaken on first-year students living in halls across two universities in North West England, over 80% of students in Britain move away from their family home to attend university.
The report stated, “For the majority of students, this will be the first time they have lived away from home, and they have to start managing many aspects of life independently. Feeling lonely and homesick is a common experience.”
Friends play an important role in mitigating this homesickness. They’re people to relate to, rely upon, and rally together to do something fun. Especially when you’re transitioning into adulthood and feeling lost, scared, or utterly clueless!
Filling the gap: My story
My friends have been a huge help to me in my uni experience. I remember how momentous it felt moving away from home for the first time. I would face so many new things — a new place, new people, a new life stage. Because I was a 6-hour drive from my family, I only saw them during the uni breaks.
My friends “filled the gap.” We all lived in the same hostel (or dorm) our first year. They provided comfort, support, snack food, and question jars. I remember sitting on the floor of someone’s dorm room and chatting until the early hours of the morning.
We lived in different places in our second year of university but stayed in touch. Now, in our third and final year, we live in a flat together. Crazily, we graduate in a few months, and I relate to Samantha Stokes’ My Best Friends Are All Moving to Different Places After Graduation & I’m Freaking Out!
Stokes shared, “The idea of leaving the comfort of college reminds me of the initial anxiety I experienced when I arrived. It was hard for me to come to college without knowing anyone and even harder to spend a few years in school without feeling secure or confident.”
But she concluded that “Finding a strong group of friends remains one of my most important personal accomplishments; it’s made me more confident in and happy with myself.”
Conversations on ‘home’
Now that we’re close to graduation, my friends and I can reflect on our university experience. Especially the initial few months when we were freshmen and flailing!
Honestly, my friends have such unique perspectives on “home.” I rallied them together (perhaps for one of our last times as students) to talk about their experiences moving away from home and how important friends were to them in the journey.
How would you describe your experience moving away from home to study at university? What was it like at different stages of the journey?
K: I think a year prior to moving, I was excited, because none of the realities had set in yet. But then once I had plans sorted — what I was studying and where I would live — I started to feel really, really nervous and anxious because I knew everything in my life would change. At one point, I was so sick of being nervous that I wanted to get it over with. But I settled in far quicker than I expected. I met new people at the hostel, and that made it easier because everyone was in the same boat. Although I still miss my family, I feel a lot more comfortable.
S: I think for me, because I’d lived away from my family before I moved to the hostel, being separated from my family wasn’t as big of a shock. I was ready for a change: I [got] to study, and meet similar-aged peers and stuff. But I was also nervous at the same time. I missed my home, especially [because of a] lack of access to my culture in terms of people, food, vibes, etc. I felt very immersed in kiwi culture at the hostel.
G: I think I was always quite nervous to leave home because I’m very close to my family. But when the time actually came, Mum and Dad tried really hard to make it seem super exciting that I was going to go off and have my own adventure. It sorta made me feel a bit less nervous. I was focused less on “oh, it’s scary to be away from family” and more on “oh, how exciting to get to do a new thing.” It wasn’t till I was in the hostel for about two weeks when I suddenly had my “oh my goodness, what have I done!” moment. I felt a lot of FOMO because my family was only 15 minutes away, and I think that made it much harder for me. When I’m 15 minutes away, every day I’m not with them is a choice.
What helped you when you moved away from home and what hindered you?
K: What helped me was my faith in Jesus because it wasn’t like I was going out on my own. God is with me, so I’m not by myself. And I was going to a Christian hostel so I [knew] I would meet like-minded people. I didn’t have a car in my first year of uni, but it helped that my parents said that if I was ever feeling really homesick, they’d pick me up on the weekends — “just ask me and I’ll come.” Something else that helped me when I moved out was going to my sister’s church. I think it was the second week after I’d moved out, and I remember going up to her after church and saying, “Can I have a hug? I don’t get hugs anymore, so I just need a hug.” It was a reassurance knowing I’d see at least one family member each week.
S: I was 12 or 13 when I first moved away from my parents. It was quite a sudden decision. At the time, to be honest, I was still immature, and it was really scary separating from my parents. My two older sisters were already in Thailand, but a barrier was knowing that when my sisters left, I would have to travel alone on the plane. I have a fear of losing my luggage or getting lost in the airport, especially with transits, because I’ve had a bad experience. [During] the holidays, I wanted to go home and see my parents, but I also didn’t want to have to get on the plane!
G: It helped me that my parents were very supportive and excited for me to go. They knew me so deeply because they’d been my parents for 18 years, so they knew exactly what I needed to support me in that transition. But I think something I found difficult was leaving my brother because he and I are very close. Whenever I was home, he would say how much he missed me and how much he wanted me home, so it made me feel like I’d deserted him.
Was your perception of your family or hometown altered or added to in the process of moving away from home? In what ways did your perceptions stay the same and in what ways did they change?
S: At the very beginning, when I first moved away from my family, that’s when I realised home to me is about my family. But, since then, my perceptions have stayed the same. When I go to a certain place with my family for the first time, that place remains in my mind as a special place. But, ultimately, it’s the people [who] made the place special.
G: I’ve always loved my home and loved my family, so moving out just made me even more aware of things I loved about them. It wasn’t so much that my views changed; it was just that I realised how much they meant to me. When I’m with my family, I don’t feel like I have many obligations. But when I’m not with my family, I put a lot more pressure on myself to do the things I need to do and meet the expectations of other people. When I’m at home, I can just be me.
K: My perception of my Mum [changed]. I didn’t realise how much I relied on her for talking about my day and offloading stress and joys. Sometimes I was tempted to call her and say “I just wanted to tell her this one thing,” because that’s what I’d do when I was at home. Also, since moving, I’ve learned to appreciate my rural home. I used to live on a farm, so I could just look out the window and see hills and cows in the paddock. When I moved to the hostel, I couldn’t do that anymore. And I missed it way more than I ever thought I would. Just little things like that about home that I didn’t realise I actually enjoyed till I moved out and didn’t have them.
How would you define the word “home”?
G: A place where belonging, autonomy, authenticity, and family converge. The space where our heart yearns to rest.
K: Where you have shared memories and experiences with your family. It is a place you feel completely comfortable.
S: Multi-faceted, but I’d say your people rather than a particular, singular, fixed place. Home can be anywhere as long as you are with the people who you love, [who] understand you, and [who] accept you as you are.
The headline of this article is Conversations on “Home”: Friends, Family, and Third Culture. Do you agree that there are many aspects to home: people, place, and cultural and ethnic identity? Are any of these aspects of home more important than the others to you?
K: I definitely agree that all the factors you mentioned make up home. But I think that people are the most important. Each time you move into a new house, it doesn’t feel like home at first. But after a while, it does, and that’s because your family is there. You make new memories, have new experiences, and after a while, it feels like home.
G: To me, people are most important, as all other aspects of “home” centre around how I have made memories with people or shared experiences with them. I lived in Hamilton previously, but I have no memory of it, so it’s not important to me. But the places I can remember — where I did certain things with people — those are the places I feel I belong. Like, in England, and Matamata, and my current home. I have so many formative memories, so those are the places I feel most at home.
S: Since I grew up as a Third Culture Kid (TCK), home, I feel, is very multicultural for me. People whom I meet, who I feel like I belong [with], are very important. In addition to my family (they’re my primary support and love network), TCK’s give me a sense of belonging. Spilling it all out to a counsellor is one-way; you feel comfortable, but it’s not reciprocal. But with the TCK’s, because we’ve been through a similar third culture experience, we can relate and have a more reciprocal understanding.
How does your relationship with your family compare or differ to your relationship with your friends? What can your friends give you (emotionally, spiritually, and practically) that your family cannot and vice versa?
S: Friends interact with you as an equal. You have relatable topics that your parents may not fully understand. But your family teases you and jokes with you. Your family knows your most embarrassing or worst moments, so when you meet, say, family friends, they just share what you were like. But friends can’t do that because there’s a sense of respect. It comes across differently when you’re nagging or arguing in a family context because that’s kind of normal. But when a friend argues with you, it may actually come across as quite offensive. The context is just different.
G: Friends are able to affirm the lifestyle you’re in now. You can talk about similar experiences, and it feels very supportive to go, “Oh, you know exactly what I mean!” Friends also help you to grow in new ways that you don’t often do with your family. You’re introduced to new things, and it helps you to understand what you really believe or don’t believe, or to be challenged in new ways. Friends introduce an element of mystery and change. But something that is unique about my family is [that] they know every version of me: my whole journey, the full story. It’s nice to feel I don’t ever have to explain anything; they just get you. It’s gonna sound silly, but bear with me — I can sit in silence with my family! *gasps* I don’t like sitting in silence with anyone but them. I have a cup of tea with my Dad, and we just sit there staring at the garden.
K: Obviously, I’m comfortable with you guys, but less comfortable with you than with my family. When I’m back home with my family, they know every single part of me. I’m like them and they’re like me, so I feel like I completely belong. Nothing I would do or say would surprise them. It’s very comforting. You just feel completely yourself.
How important have friends been to you in your university experience? Overall, have they hurt, complicated, or enhanced your university experience?
G: Friends and interactions have been crucial in building this chapter of my life. My experience has been just as much about life and growing as a person as it is about uni. My friends don’t hurt me, but I do feel a lot of care for friends. I would say my life is complicated by the people I love, but not in a way that I would ever change. I think about people a lot, and I’m not very good at compartmentalizing. Everything complicates my life, all of the things I care about. But it’s not a bad complication; it just adds to the mental load.
S: They’ve grown me. And I think we are, to some extent, shaping each other. Seeing their lifestyles challenges me to reflect on my own lifestyle. New Zealand is a lot more chill. Korea is [faster-paced] and about productivity and efficiency. I think I’m growing to be more relaxed.
K: Friends have definitely been one of the most important parts of moving out. They’ve definitely helped my uni experience. They’re someone to talk to at the end of the day. They know exactly what I’m going through in terms of a uni assignment or lecture and stuff like that. Last year, I was living by myself, and I really struggled at that time. I didn’t realise how, by living at the hostel, my social battery had been extended. I really enjoyed hanging out with people all the time. When I lived on my own, I thought I would be fine because I’m an introvert. But I really struggled. One time we visited the hostel, and we stayed up late talking and went to McDonald’s and got ice cream afterwards. I loved it so much, and realised, “holy moly, I’ve missed this so much more than I thought!”
You’re graduating at the end of this semester. Having been through it — and made it out alive — what advice would you give to our readers who are about to move away from home to study?
G: We often value plants for their flowers but forget to nurture the roots that grow them — nurture yourself. Consider who you are and what matters to you, and lean into things and people that grow that [part of you].
S: Just go for it. If you’re unsure, try it, and it’ll be part of growing up, which is never a bad thing. It’s easy to get sucked into uni studies, so it’s helpful to set aside some time for other priorities — hangouts with friends, hobbies, exercise, etc. You’ll have time for studies, so don’t tire yourself with them.
K: It goes by so fast. The hard times will end, which is reassuring, and the good times won’t last, so enjoy them. Moving away from home makes you appreciate home more when you visit. Try to make friends as best you can, as this community is crucial for happiness, learning, and getting the most out of your study experience.
Want more advice? Read 9 Tips For Making Friends at Uni or Home Away From Home: The Student Accommodation Survival Guide.
Thank you for being a temporary home, Trill Mag!
This is my last article, but you can read my previous articles below:
