Confessions of a Super Senior

Five schools, four majors, ten years- this has been my undergraduate journey so far, and it finally ends this May. How did I end up here, and better yet, how do you, dear reader, avoid a similar fate?

The Stigma

It’s no secret that there’s a lot of shame in not graduating “on time.” College is expensive, and no one wants to see themselves left behind as their friends and classmates move on to postgraduate studies or a career. Despite the well-meaning sentiments of friends, family, and internet strangers, the internal turmoil persists- we brand ourselves as failures.

Why, though? Why, despite only 41% of first-time college students completing their bachelor’s degree in four years, do we torture ourselves? While I can’t answer that question, I do know from experience that this self-hatred only makes academic success (and success in general) harder.

While I’m aware that one person sharing their story won’t erase the stigma or shame, I still want to share mine. I hope that by openly and unapologetically detailing my long, difficult journey with higher education, I help others who are struggling to see that failure is not the end of the world.

What Happened?

That question and a stare that perfectly combines horror and disbelief are usually the first reactions I get from people when I explain my situation. The short answer no one likes to hear is “a lot,” but bear with me. Rather than give you a generic list of advice, I’m going to tell my story and walk through the exact mistakes that inspired each nugget of wisdom. Consider this a confessional and your handy dandy ‘what not to do’ guide, or just indulge your morbid curiosity.

In The Beginning…

Funnily enough, I started college in my senior year of high school intending to graduate early. My high school had a dual enrollment program that allowed me to take community college courses. While I wanted to focus on writing, I ended up taking courses in psychology and philosophy as well.

At the same time, I felt an immense amount of pressure to write and write well. All I did at that time was write. I wrote when I was happy, I wrote when I was sad, and I wrote when I needed someone to talk to. I was starting to burn out while simultaneously doubting my ability to succeed.

Between this burnout and my newfound interest in other subjects, writing felt boring and unfulfilling. At the same time, I didn’t want to let down my parents, teachers, and mentors who expected a writer. Knowing this, I decided to double major in English and psychology. That way, if the whole writing thing didn’t work out, I could go to graduate school and become a therapist like my mother.

Advice: Take a Gap Semester (Or Two)

Whoever decided that an 18-year-old should be allowed to choose what to do career-wise for the rest of their lives was a massive turd. Sure, some people have it all figured out at that age, but I certainly didn’t. At 18, I was still learning who I was and what I wanted out of life. I loved writing, but I was also passionate about music and psychology.

If you’re still not sure which school or major to choose or you’re burnt out, it might be a good idea to take a few semesters to figure all of that out. Most schools have strict major requirements, and if you change your mind (four times) like I did, you’ll probably end up in your program longer than expected. Add on burnout and external pressures, and you have the perfect recipe for college disaster.

Remember: It’s wiser to explore your options now than give thousands of dollars and hours to the wrong program and/or school. Get feedback from the people you trust, but don’t let others dictate your future.

Six Weeks

That was how long I made it into my first semester before ending up in a mental hospital. Sure, I did well in high school, but that was because I had an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) which included flexible deadlines and alternative testing sites. My school was also very understanding of my physical limitations and more or less let me do what I wanted. As long as my grades were high, things like attendance and deadlines didn’t matter.

The panic set in instantly. I was intimidated from day one, and I spent most of orientation crying and having panic attacks in my spider-infested dorm. My only friend was the counselor, and I wanted nothing to do with campus life. As my perfectionism and self-doubt worsened, so did my ability to complete coursework on time. By the time I got out of the mental hospital, I was failing all of my courses, and my professors recommended I withdraw.

Advice: College is Not High School

I’m not a stupid person by any means. My high school robes were weighed down with medals and chords and pins. Still, college is not high school, and I was woefully unprepared. Even the community college courses I took were nowhere near the difficulty level or workload of my four-year college.

On top of the difficulty level and mental health struggles, all of my professors had strict attendance policies and my accommodations were nowhere near as comprehensive. Seven days in the hospital was all it took for me to automatically fail some courses and get too far behind to catch up in others.

Despite what social media may tell you, all four of the schools I attended had strict attendance policies and stricter professors. In my experience, professors are much stricter than teachers. They expect you to attend lectures and turn in work on time, especially if you’re in a small program or school.

If you want flexibility, look for a program or school with a more relaxed culture. If you’re disabled like me, speak extensively with the accommodations department to see what they offer and if it’s enough for you to be successful before committing.

The French Connection

During that first semester, I decided to take French on a whim to fulfill my world language requirement. I had zero experience with the language, and I figured it would be fun to try something new. Unfortunately, I accidentally fell in love.

After having to withdraw, I spent the rest of that semester studying French for hours on end. I studied at home and I studied at work. When I wasn’t studying, I was binge-watching French movies I’d rented from the library. I studied so hard that I ended up testing into French 102 despite not speaking a word a few months prior.

Ups and Downs

Naturally, I made the wise decision to forego my areas of expertise and decided to become a French major. The good news is my second semester went much better than my first. This time, I came prepared. I moved out of the spider’s lair, found a therapist, and took 12 credits rather than 16. I even ended up winning an award for having the highest GPA in my class.

The one thing I didn’t do was socialize or leave my room often. I felt I had something to prove, so I spent all my time studying. I still wanted to graduate “on time,” so I ended up enrolling in a 12-credit full French immersion program that summer. Even though my French professor advised against it, I shelled out the $10,000 and found myself at college number three for the summer.

Long story short, I failed miserably. Try as I might, I just couldn’t do 12 credits worth of work in eight weeks. While this program was one of the best experiences of my life, I had a mental breakdown on my birthday (that’s two so far, if you’re keeping score) and ended up auditing. Luckily, I’d learned enough to jump from French 102 to 301, but I had no credits.

Advice: Take a Break, Or Else

In retrospect, I really should have listened to my professor. Between my severe hermit tendencies and the summer break I never got, my burnout worsened and my mental health suffered. In my foolish attempts to prove I could, I never considered whether I should, and I ignored her more rational alternatives to summer study.

Everybody needs a break. You either take one voluntarily, or your mind and body shut down for you. Go to parties, make friends, participate in activities, and take time to relax. You’ll thank me when you aren’t in year ten of undergrad.

COVID-19 (It Got Worse)

Ah, the pandemic. One day, I was in my medieval French literature course, and the next I was on Zoom sobbing into a webcam. To add insult to injury, my then-fiancée decided to abruptly end things at 4 am on a FaceTime call. Cue mental breakdown number three!

I’d managed to struggle my way through to junior year, but the combination of the breakup and having to leave school made it difficult to want to study French romance. Maybe I could have pushed through, but I didn’t. I ended up failing my first college course, losing my scholarship, and I had to transfer schools as a result.

I won’t spend much time discussing the school I transferred to since I wasn’t there long. They had a French program, and that’s what mattered to me at the time. What I didn’t consider was the quality of the program and the fact I’d still be online. I hated the program so much that I dropped out and fell out of love with French which ended my short stint at college four.

Advice: Choose Your School Wisely

This one links back to the gap semester advice, but hear me out. I chose my second school for its English program but ended up majoring in French. While that school is well-known for its English department, its French department only had two professors and no longer exists.

Even though that school hadn’t been the most accommodating and their French program was miniscule, I stuck it out just to end up with no degree. When I transferred, I just wanted to study French as soon as possible. I didn’t look into the program at all, and the program was a poor fit that made me hate French.

This is all to say that you should take your time when choosing a school. If you’re deciding between a few majors, make sure the school you choose has quality programs for all of them. Get to know the school you’re looking at as thoroughly as you can. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and talk to current students and professors. The earlier you start this process and the more thorough you are, the less likely you are to transfer.

Another Transfer

Yes, really. The year was 2022, and I was finally a senior with a whole 90 transfer credits. There were just two problems. At this point, I didn’t care what I got a degree in, so the fact that my current school didn’t have a French major was hardly a problem.

The second, much larger problem was the wide, nearly nonsensical collection of credits I’d accrued. It turns out that switching majors so many times and taking whatever sounded cool doesn’t fulfill the requirements for most degree programs. Naturally, I ended up with the indecisive girl’s best friend– liberal studies! (As if I wasn’t bullied enough for my French degree…)

Unfortunately, senior year became senior years. My partner got sick, and I ended up failing another two courses. My perfectionistic tendencies got worse along with my depression, and I didn’t end up turning in much of anything.

Advice: Perfectionism is Not Your Friend

Wanting to do well is natural and healthy. The problem comes when you want to do so well that you do nothing. Sometimes, you just have to do your best and hope it’s good enough.

I failed those two classes because I got too wrapped up in crafting the perfect essay. I would spend days writing and rewriting the same sentence to the point where I made no progress and drove everyone around me crazy. At the end of the day, my perfectionism was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I was so afraid of failure that it happened.

Don’t do what I did. Something is always better than nothing, and your work is better than you think it is. If you’re really struggling with an assignment, talk to your professor as soon as possible. Chances are they’ll be happy to read over what you have and give feedback.

Rebuilding Myself

In this last semester, I’ve been taking time to reflect on the past ten years. I finally returned to writing, but this time I’m doing it for myself. I’ve learned to embrace my jack-of-all-trades brain, and I’ve come to value every stage in my education journey. Even if I “wasted” a lot of time and money, no one can take the knowledge and skills I’ve gained away.

I’ve slowly but surely worked through my burnout, and that’s made this last semester of online school much easier. I actually look forward to lectures instead of crying, and I’m enjoying learning for the sake of it for the first time in years.

Advice: Let Go of Judgment

If you get nothing else out of this convoluted mess of a tale, understand that the noise and the self-hatred are cyclical. I spent so much time worrying about how other people would perceive me and my failures that I forgot why I went to college in the first place. I love learning about anything and everything I can and letting go of judgment from myself and others has let me do that.

Pick the major that fuels your soul, take time and explore, fail if you must, and ignore the doubters. In this economy, no one’s getting hired, so you might as well follow your dreams. Even if you end up taking ten years like I did, don’t let anyone tell you not to be proud of yourself and your journey.