You’re in sixth grade with a new seating chart.
There was always a gender divide, just a very faint one. It came into fruition when the boy who sat next to you for the first few weeks of school made the following remark:
Why do I always have to sit next to her?
And you don’t know what that sentence really means at first. You question if sitting in the back of the class is more appealing to ease your mind. That only lasts for so long until he asks the question again, this time looking directly at you.
It’s confusing. The nausea that stems from the remark. Why is everyone staring? Why do you care that they are? As an individual, you have the same right to be a part of the class as he does…right?
And in the end, when the seating chart stays the same, why do you feel guilty?
Social oddities
Parents say their kids will grow out of certain phases when the time is right. Outwardly, it’s an interesting watch; these bursts of high regard for bands, hobbies, and any other sort of escapisms. I grew up online, as did most of my peers. It was okay to be weird (to a point) in this digital space because the internet, in practice, is a weird place.
Tucked away in the small corners of various online messaging platforms were communities that I frequented, even if I was too young to experience what they had to offer. The new age of the internet made it easier to find others who also wanted to lose themselves in CW shows, and I liked the option of having friends who weren’t physically there. People that I would never meet and only talk to in sketchy chat rooms. Since my words were the only thing forming my image online, looks didn’t matter.
The downside of online communication
Brigham Young University did a study on whether it is the heart of communication that counts, online or not, or if humans require real-life conversation to make it useful.
…their research found more disadvantages than advantages to socializing alone online. Socializing through technology introduces an added level of uncertainty that is less prominent in face-to-face interactions, resulting in weaker social connections. The researchers noted, “Perhaps the most precise way of expressing the effect of lost information during CMC is that it heightens ambiguity.
Degn
The downside of online communication is everything internet safety PSA’s warn you about. Catfishing, doxxing, even stretching so far as becoming dependent on the online sphere of socialization. Forgetting the reason why real-life connection is necessary in our lives.
The ‘False Muse’ problem
A muse is someone who piques interest. It doesn’t have to be for the masses, but there is that je ne se quoi about them that just has to make sense to an individual.
In literary terms, the Muse stems from Greek mythology. Nine goddesses who offer inspiration throughout the arts and sciences. We, today, think of them in the forms of so-called “cool-girls” of the past—Pattie Boyd, Jane Asher, Jane Birkin. Their lives serve as inspiration to many today. But how have their impacts lasted through each decade? A muse has a magnetic pull to those they touch, but serves themselves just as much. If you are only living to inspire someone else, that doesn’t make you much of one.
Not to say someone in particular would have that sort of mindset, but that third-person way of thinking can get in the way of our organic selves. Surveillance is an infection in the modern way of thought. Inspiration comes in odd forms. Familiars, if you will. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being choked up in a person that isn’t myself when I’m with new people. I don’t do it on purpose, and sometimes it (unfortunately) works out, but I’m never happy with the long-term results.
The ‘False Muse’ problem goes both ways, but one is involuntary. People are intrigued by the weird. It makes the ‘buyer persona’ attracted to the next thing that comes out of an individual. Think of figures in pop culture. Who do you gravitate toward? Is there an inspiration to one that you lean on more, or is the spectrum of scenes in the 2020’s sense of copy-paste what catches your eye? Whichever way the admiration goes, the argument of ‘everything is art’ is a faint echo in the background.
Curious fascination
I have a fond fascination for teeth. Maybe it’s because my father played hockey when I was younger and had a few missing. Or my experience with dentists is pretty positive compared to what I hear from my friends. When I got my wisdom teeth taken out, I begged my surgeon to let me keep the useless clumps of enamel. He only looked at me and stressed the idea of ‘biohazards’. I just wanted to be in possession of something I grew myself.
Because of this, I have made my love for people’s pearly whites very apparent. Complementing strangers, asking to touch my friend’s canines at the bar, biting down on an apple, and studying the imprint. It’s proof of existence, much like dinosaur fossils or cave paintings of hands. I think teeth play a key part in prophesying events on a smaller scale. It is said that teeth are connected to our emotional power. That their energy is rooted in communication and what we choose to allow inside our personal lives. If you’ve had dreams of your teeth falling out or rotting, it is a sign to take control of yourself before you spiral.
This fascination isn’t as strange as others make it out to be. Despite my last announcement of being a real fleshed-out oddity, I must admit I don’t find my practices that weird. Almost everyone has teeth. There is a tradition of putting our first round under pillows. Kids tie strings around their loose molars and have a sibling slam a door that’s attached to its end when they are desperate for cash. I would believe that most of the population has an off-kilter fascination. Normalcy can only run so deep in the majority of the population.
Emotional Visitation
The only thoughts you are actually capable of hearing are your own.
It’s an odd struggle, being told you feel something when you don’t—an unreliable narrator to others and a sound mind to yourself. A hunch on someone’s thoughts whilst they keep themselves shielded, I’ve seen it from both ends. Trying to decipher someone’s code can do more harm than good. Chasing after answers to an already dying situation is beyond salvation if anything harmful to a relationship has been done.
“I wish I could tell them what to think” Is a line I hear a lot.
Maybe it’s the only child in me, but I never understood this. Love does feel like an MK Ultra experiment sometimes. When you’re close to someone, it is comforting to think that you share the same brain. To stabilize yourself in this trance, you must realize that you don’t. Unfortunately, another person will always be separate. That separation in practice is what makes a relationship so beautiful at the same time. I don’t think I could ever feel an emotion close to love if the price was surrendering my privacy
Prophetic stomachaches
Your body rejects bad omens.
Have you ever met someone and gotten sick? Just knew off the bat that your time with them automatically flipped an hourglass?
This isn’t magic or some dark energy that has been blessed upon your person for psychic readings, but just plain intuition.
I knew that my classmate didn’t enjoy my company, but it was never my choice to be seated next to his antics. Nevertheless, I still felt that ‘ping!‘ of guilt from upsetting someone. Now, into my adulthood, that same feeling creeps up my spine whenever I can sense pressure in a personal relationship. I can count down the days till it breaks its threshold.
And sometimes, nothing can be done. It isn’t a mendable object that I can fix with some crazy glue made up of apologies, but a stern reminder that I cannot change. And to you, if you can relate to any of my anecdotes, I say: You shouldn’t have to.
It is a privilege to bring oddities to the new frontier. Honorable ideas come from the most particular individuals. For girls, gender racks a whole other layer of complications for this classification. The word ‘Strange’ can be seen by some as an easy way to differentiate oneself from their peers in a negative connotation. That is the last thing I wanna do. I don’t want to be seen as someone trying to break out of a mold, calling my own ideas and antics better/outlandish compared to others. But, in adulthood, your personality can latch onto new opportunities.
It’s your choice if you want to let it jump out.
