Whenever another Kroger brand, box office-optimized, boring movie hits theaters, I’m reminded of something my Grandpa always said: “A camel is a horse designed by a committee.”
The issue with the majority of these films is that they don’t stem from the artistic vision of a singular mind, but the collective chatter of a boardroom. Any of the greatest movies you’ve seen have been the product of minimal studio interference.
Vision gets you the majestic horse, groupthink the ugly camel.
The metaphor breaks down at a certain level because camels, though unsightly, are interesting to look at. Marvel’s Captain America: Brave New World is not. However, it remains true that singular artistic vision begets good entertainment while committee thinking does not.
I say ‘good entertainment’ and not ‘quality entertainment’ because the most horrific stories put to film also come from singular artistic vision.
Committee thinking provides a safety net for a film’s quality. Its aversion to risk minimizes the potential of offensively bad moments.
Where’s the fun in that?
Audiences have grown familiar with recycled tropes, visual styles, and senses of humor over the last decade. Once novel and still profitable, they dominate contemporary Hollywood and decimate originality.
Sick of these? That’s where the aforementioned ‘most horrific stories put to film’ come into play.
Bad movies are even freer from genre conventions than great ones. All conventions became conventions for a reason. If something works, everyone copies it. Bad movies contain ridiculousness never seen before or since. No one repeats what doesn’t work.
Though more interesting, they are undoubtedly worse than movies reined in by Universal or Disney. In terms of objective quality, Captain America: Brave New World is far superior to Plan 9 From Outer Space. When faced with the decision between a 6/10 movie and a 1/10 movie, though, I’ll pick the 1/10 every time.
If you agree with this sentiment or are at least intrigued by what I have to say, here are 5 of the worst movies of all time for you to check out.
1. The Room (2003)
Funded, written, starred in, and directed by international man of mystery, Tommy Wiseau, The Room recovered from an initial box office flop to become a cult classic.
The film’s legendary status earned Wiseau a bestselling biography called The Disaster Artist and an Oscar-winning biopic of the same name.
The Room is ubiquitous; it is widely considered the worst movie ever made.
Where do I begin?
Perhaps with the sometimes monotone, sometimes melodramatic performances. Or the omnipresent pictures of spoons hung up in Johnny’s apartment. Or the numerous cul-de-sac subplots that go nowhere. Or the eternal sex scenes, all featuring roses in mouths. Or the complete absence of silence between lines.
To paraphrase a friend, “I would genuinely be less surprised if an alien wrote The Room‘s dialogue than a human being.”
Particularly, Wiseau’s character and self-insert, Johnny, seems alien. The other actors passably handle the material they’re given, but any time a character interacts with Johnny, the results are bizarre.
Football inserts itself into The Room whenever possible. It’s not an addition to the narrative. It’s just there.
The Room, unlike most bad movies, isn’t unpleasant to watch. Its relationship drama, however poorly written, is soapy enough to keep viewers interested. I theorize that this is why it’s become a cult classic as opposed to objectively worse pieces.
The Room was once available for free on Wisaeu’s YouTube channel. He inexplicably took it down at some point, and now the only way to watch it is to buy the DVD from tommywiseau.com, Amazon, or sites like eBay.
IMDb: 3.6/10, Rotten Tomatoes: 24%
2. Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)
Planet of the Apes (1968) told an effective, concise story with an ending just open enough to warrant consideration of a sequel. It was, however, profitable enough that consideration was short. A second film had to be made.
Though Beneath the Planet of the Apes is certainly the best movie on this list, it is colloquially ‘wack.’
The first film’s lead actor, Charlton Heston, returns in a supporting role, supplanted by the nearly identical James Franciscus. Pay enough attention and their similarity won’t confuse you, but it’s nonetheless a strange choice that’ll have viewers of the first film question if they’re watching flashbacks.
The ape costumes are at times hilarious. The filmmakers did the best they could given the limitations of visual effects in 1970. Their best was not enough. It’s impossible to keep a straight face when an actor in a gorilla costume guns down his enemy and quips, “Your god didn’t save you, did he?“
Attempts at more ambitious visual effects are always hilarious.
It gets even better. The new antagonists are a colony of subterranean, telepathic mutants who worship an atomic bomb.
I won’t give away any more. There are half- a -dozen more scenes I could use to pitch you this movie, but I don’t want to spoil. And then there’s the ending.
You can rent Beneath the Planet of the Apes on Apple TV, Prime Video, Google Play, or YouTube.
IMDb: 6.0/10, Rotten Tomatoes: 37%
3. Battlefield Earth (2000)
Few actors are worse at choosing projects than John Travolta. In just two short years, Travolta managed to attach himself to four projects rated 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.
None of these four films is as bad a blemish on Travolta’s career as 2000’s Battlefield Earth.
Battlefield Earth is an adaptation of the 1982 sci-fi novel written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Travolta, a high-profile scientologist, brute-forced the film into existence, spending millions in the process.
I’m glad he did. Battlefield Earth would’ve never seen the light of day without the endorsement of an Oscar winner like Travolta.
Battlefield Earth takes place on Earth in the year 3000, where an evil alien race called the Psychlos mines Earth for resources while encountering resistance from and enslaving nomadic humans.
Travolta’s performance as Terl, the Psychlo interim Security Chief of planet Earth, is revolting. He delivers his lines like a bad Shakespeare actor and makes repeated use of a cartoonish evil laugh.
The production enhances the insanity. Actors playing Psychlos stand on several-foot-tall stilts, wear Milli Vanilli-inspired wigs, and possess enormous prosthetic craniums.
Battlefield Earth is shot like a music video. The camera is positioned in a perpetual tilt, and neon filters tint about half of the scenes.
The editing crew repeats certain lines or moments as they incorrectly see fit. Occasionally, the last few words of a line will echo or we’ll see an explosion happen from three or four too many angles.
In the end, Battlefield Earth made less than $30 million from a $44 million budget despite an aggressive marketing campaign hailing it as the new Star Wars.
Though it is certainly not the new Star Wars, Battlefield Earth is a sight to behold for enjoyers of bad movies.
You can rent Battlefield Earth on Apple TV, Prime Video, Google Play, or YouTube.
IMDb: 2.5/10, Rotten Tomatoes: 3%
4. Lumina (2024)
Lumina is the only movie on this list I’ve had the pleasure of seeing in theaters. It was the best cinematic experience of my life. The theater was completely empty except for me and a friend.
And that’s a shame. Lumina currently sports a 0% rating from critics on Rotten Tomatoes, but ironic enjoyers have netted it an 81% audience score.
Lumina is a disasterpiece. Shades of The Room are present.
Lumina, like many other bad movies, is sci-fi. It’s also the least thrilling thriller of all time and, without a doubt, the worst movie of 2024.
A group of friends is disturbed when Alex’s girlfriend, Tatiana, disappears at a party. Alex knows what he saw and is convinced that extraterrestrials are behind it.
The film then executes a months-wide time jump, and we’re introduced to the formerly clean-cut Alex looking like Rick Rubin and in possession of a concerning quantity of newspaper clippings.
It turns out Alex has been spending his time studying UFOs and recruiting a conspiracy theorist-podcaster for an international quest in search of a deep underground military base (which promotional material insists you call a DUMB) where he believes Tatiana is.
The remainder of the film follows this journey.
Lumina‘s effects are terrible. The abduction has PS2 graphics. A scene where Alex’s reflection in his swimming pool morphs into Tatiana is also a howler. So are all action scenes.
The best part of this movie comes after its conclusion. Before the credits is a PSA about alien abduction victim awareness.
At this moment, the near-empty theater burst into laughter. The only thing funnier than a bad movie is a bad movie with an agenda.
You can stream Lumina for free on Fawesome.TV
IMDb: 2.1/10
5. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the singular vision of writer-director James Nguyen. Nguyen attempts to channel Alfred Hitchcock and Michael Moore in his 2010 environmental horror flick and instead beats Tommy Wiseau at his own game.
This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
Birdemic tells the story of a young couple’s escape from acid-hurling, exploding death eagles. Climate change mutated the birds; Nguyen tells us humans that we have hell to pay for what we’ve done to our planet.
Every aspect of the movie is unintentionally maximized for peak comedic effect. Dialogue and performances are Room-esque. Directing, editing, and visual effects help Birdemic win the arms race.
I’d never laughed at a film’s editing until Birdemic, and I likely won’t again. Every shot comes from a different angle—to Nguyen, the 180-degree rule is a 180-degree suggestion.
From an audio perspective, cuts are the opposite of seamless. Fuzzy background noise recorded by the camera’s microphone pauses for a second, then resumes during each transition between shots—Nguyen’s cuts hit like an NFL linebacker.
It’s difficult to describe this in words, so here’s the clip below:
There is no music during scenes that need it, and the eagles look weightless and airbrushed. Explosions make Beneath the Planet of the Apes’ effects look Oscar-worthy despite Birdemic being four decades younger.
There’s no action until about halfway into the movie. The audience is left to sit through around 45 minutes of excruciating romance before the birdemic commences.
It’s a difficult watch, but a rewarding one. If you’re able to sit through the unbearable moments, the highs are even higher (or, lows lower) than those of The Room.
James Nguyen is the true ‘Disaster Artist.’
You can stream Birdemic: Shock and Terror with Peacock Premium or rent it on Apple TV, Prime Video, Google Play, or YouTube.
IMDb: 1.7/10
