We’re in week 9 of ‘Paradise’ now, but for the contestants, it’s only been 17 days. It feels like they’ve been on the beach for a whole summer, but it’s been just over two weeks that couples are saying “I love you.” Oh, and by the way, we’re down to six couples.
The drama has calmed down now that Sean and Brian left last week. So naturally, producers wheel out Hannah Brown for a “girl chat.” Remember she works here? Honestly, whatever they’re paying her is too much. This is the first time she’s had any relevance all season. She reminds everyone there’s an engagement at the end of this, which sends Kat down a trauma road (fair, considering her last engagement ended immediately after the last Paradise aired). Jess gets teary talking about Spencer, worrying things are moving too fast, and he doesn’t want to pressure anything. So yeah, this episode’s light on drama and heavy on some deep conversations. Finally!
The camping trip from hell
To reward the couples, Jesse hosts a romantic beachside dinner. Everyone’s kumbaya except Kat, who is waging war against a swarm of flies. Is she dramatic? Yes. Would I react the same way? Also yes.
Instead of dessert, the group is shipped off into the Costa Rican jungle for a surprise “glamping” trip. The catch? They have to build their own campsite. Oh, and a relationship therapist is secretly watching them to judge how well they function as couples.
The only problem is that this was far from a cozy camping trip. We’re talking horse manure flung across the grounds, bugs the size of small animals, and “tools” like tiny hammers and broken chairs. Producers even glued the cap on the water jug shut, and no one was amused.
Kat spirals into a full meltdown over the bugs while Dale does literally everything. Keith inflates an air mattress while Kathy cracks open the wine and breaks their table. And Alexe and Andrew practice their “last kiss on Earth.” Sure, why not?
The diagnosis
After howler monkeys terrorize the cast, they are escorted back to Paradise for the night. In the morning, they meet therapist Dr. Laura Berman, who shares her notes, diagnosing each couple’s weaknesses (and strengths, too). Here’s the gist— Alexe and Andrew: fun but no spark. Jeremy and Bailey: chemistry but not much else. Kat and Dale: apparently, he handles her meltdowns well, but he’s got a hero complex. Jess and Spencer: solid, no big notes. Kathy and Keith, plus Jonathon and Lea: platonic but great teamwork.
Shockingly, she crowns Kat and Dale the winners. Even Welles is floored by this. They score safety at the next rose ceremony and a date where Dale tells Kat she “feels like home.” Funny, since two weeks ago, he was whining about their “different backgrounds.” Hmm.
Love birds
Spencer and Jess sit down for the talk: moving, marriage, kids… He’s ready for a baby in the next two years. Jess, meanwhile, admits she’s not ready to move out of her apartment yet. He’s all in, but she’s trying to catch up to his pace.
Spoiler: Spencer later admits that he’s willing to put his plans on hold and stick to Jess’s more relaxed time frame, and all is well on their front. Phew, I was getting nervous!
Meanwhile, Alexe and Andrew finally open up and admit they love each other (shocking because the two never discuss anything serious). So now two couples are officially in love. Big proclamations in Paradise!
It’s a… tie!
Before the rose ceremony, Keith starts campaigning for himself to go home. The camping trip made him miss his daughters, and he tells Kathy he’s voting for himself. But Kathy, ever strategic, isn’t having it. With backup from Bailey, Jess, and Alexe, Keith is reminded of how loved he is on the beach. Cue my tears.
At the rose ceremony, the obvious targets are the platonics: Kathy and Keith, and Jonathon and Lea. The vote comes to a tie. Which means Dale, thanks to his challenge win, gets to break it. He chooses strategy (and a little revenge for Jonathon’s old crush on Kat) and sends Jonathon and Lea home.
Sharp opinions
Usually, the credits roll after roses, but this time Jesse introduces another game: “Sharp Opinions.” Each player stabs a little wooden doll version of their castmates to answer shady questions like: “Whose childish antics will ruin their relationship?” (Andrew takes the hits.) “Whose trust issues will sour their relationship?” (Kat and Dale, obviously.) “Who’s most likely talking to an ex?” (Jeremy, because… Susie.)
At the end, Alexe and Andrew come out with the fewest daggers, meaning their safety at the next elimination. But it’s also revealed that two women are going home at the final rose ceremony next week.
Final predictions
Now that Paradise is wrapping up, here’s a reminder of how this usually goes. Every season, the final couples score romantic private dates, often outside the villa, and an overnight in some bougie suite. That’s when we usually see glimpses of them talking about real life, and what their future holds, especially given that most girls expect to be proposed to.
I hate to break it to everyone, but I think it’s safe to say engagements are off the table this time around. While I do think Alexe and Andrew and Spencer and Jess will make it work beyond Paradise, neither pair seems ready to put a ring on it. Still, they’re the strongest couples and the only ones who’ve actually dropped the L-word. In my book, I’d be happy with either couple winning the $500,000 in the end. If anyone else takes it, I’ll be stunned and honestly disappointed. Paradise should reward love, not gameplay.
As for eliminations, Keith and Kathy are clearly done. The other couple cut? That’s anyone’s guess.
Tune in Tuesday for the finale to see who goes, who leaves together, and who gets the final prize!
