Parentification: How Much Does This Trauma Really Shape You?

Across TikTok, there has been a growing awareness of the trauma of “parentification.” However, as popular as this topic may be, many remain unaware of what parentification truly is and how dangerous the effects can be on children. I spoke with therapist Alice Zic to try to get a firm grasp on the concept and its effects.

Alice Zic works directly with parentified children to deal with childhood trauma. We discussed the definition of parentification, the symptoms, and how this might occur out of necessity. We also delved into the bigger conversations that might need to happen to get to the bottom of this issue.

What is Parentification?

Across social media, it is not entirely uncommon for people to throw around terms that they do not completely understand. However, we must define a term. Especially a term like parentification, which pertains to a form of trauma.

Parentification, as defined by WebMD, occurs when a parent imposes their needs upon their child, who then must assist their parents emotionally and instrumentally.

Emotional parentification refers to when the adult forces their mental and emotional needs entirely onto the child. “Emotional tasks can include acting as a stand-in parent for parents or other children or acting as a stand-in spouse for parents,” Zic said. The parent feels more at ease with their child now shouldering the burden. However, children are not capable of understanding the complexities of an adult’s mental health. Even if the child is near to being an adult themselves, they may not fully grasp it all. And yet, their lack of understanding does not shield them from the burden.

Instrumental parentification takes a more active form. The child must now act like a parent, performing tasks that are not age-appropriate. “Practical tasks can include things like working multiple jobs to support the family, completing taxes, acting as a healthcare navigator, cooking, and cleaning,” Zic said.

The Signs of Parentification

While speaking with Zic, we went over the signs of a parentified child. They usually have a wounded inner child who has been programmed to not take care of their own needs. They seem independent. They want to take on everything for everyone else, even when they have reached their emotional capacity.

As the parentified child grows up, accelerating into an adult role at a young age means that the child has always been looking out for others. As a result, it’s usually scary when the child has needed something, not been productive, or has made mistakes. Parentification in childhood often leads to perfectionism, people-pleasing, burnout, caregiving for others, struggling to
receive care in relationships, and anxiety.

Alice Zic

Burnout is something many people have faced, throughout many aspects of their life, whether you are a student, working, or just have a lot going on. It can be exhausting. If you let burnout run rampant, it could lead to extreme negative consequences in your life.

Striving to do everything to the pinnacle of perfection can exacerbate the symptoms. People work themselves into panic attacks due to all the anxiety. Then, even when the ideal is reached, it’s still not good enough. These people never seem to be able to be satisfied with themselves, because they were taught that their best was not good enough. The symptoms fuel each other, making everything worse for the person.

Does This Happen Out of Necessity?

It is no secret that childcare is expensive. Daycare prices can be extremely daunting to some families and completely unaffordable to others. Sometimes, a family may not have another choice but to put the oldest child into a temporary parental role.

When talking about parentification trauma, we have to acknowledge that the blame cannot solely rest on the parents. Not every parent who parentified their child did it for nefarious reasons. This is a systemic issue at heart. There is a lack of funding, support, and access. Zic gave several reasons:

Parentification doesn’t happen in a vacuum. When there are no existing systems of support or trusted community networks, or when a family is ripped from their community…the responsibility for completing tasks in a trustworthy manner gets placed onto the children. It’s easy to look at this issue in simplistic terms, but the reality is that families sometimes have no other options: they have to work multiple jobs, there is no childcare, they shift from a collectivist culture to a very individualistic one. When your family unit is the source of community, trust, and survival, and when there are unmet needs in the larger system, parentification becomes your only option even if it’s not the option you want.

Alice Zic

Parentification strongly affects immigrant families due to a lack of community. When someone leaves behind their home country, they lose the community around them. All on their own, the oldest child is sometimes the only person available to help out. It is heartbreaking. Perhaps on a larger scale, we as a society must observe our treatment of those around us. The United States is viewed as an individualistic culture; therefore, it is not easy to reach out to others for help — especially if people are made to feel unwelcome in their new home.

The Lose of Identity

Typically from the very same conversation, the term “eldest daughter syndrome” appears, or something to a similar effect. There has been an outcry from older daughters who now must live with the trauma of being parentified. Not to say that sons cannot have this trauma — any child can.

There’s a conversation to be had about gender roles within parentification. Men are frequently told to shy away from their emotions, as shown by the classic saying “boys don’t cry.” On the other hand, girls are deemed to be the natural nurturers. They are seen as better caretakers of the younger siblings, responsible for holding the emotional weight of others, while the boys are built to take on the physical demands of a parent.

In both situations, a parentified child who needs help has nowhere to turn, but has to problem-solve like an adult in the gender-specific world of the patriarchy.

Alice Zic

In becoming mini-parents, children lose their identities. They lose who they would have been, or rather who they should have been. Their personality becomes wrapped up in putting the family before themselves. What they want or need does not seem to matter.

Because a parentified child spends their childhood being externally focused, they struggle to build an internal connection with who they are, their identity. Their identity gets wrapped up in, “what does everyone around me need?” When the parentified child steps back in adulthood, tries to relax or be less productive, they struggle to sit with who they are outside of what they do for someone else. That can be extremely frightening to come to terms with: if I don’t give care or keep doing these things, what use am I? Who is this person? Do I even want to get to know that person?

Alice Zic

Healing a Parentified Child

Healing from any sort of trauma poses its own set of difficulties. There is often the question of “Where do I start?” How do you start your healing journey when you don’t know where the next step is?

You can absolutely heal from parentification, find your identity and your joy. Because parentification is a relational wound, therapy can be a part of that healing journey, but so can safe community, rest, and recapturing playfulness and curiosity. Returning to childhood playfulness can be incredibly powerful for a previously parentified child in adulthood.

Alice Zic

Well, everyone’s path can look different. Some people seek therapy and find a therapist with whom they can connect. For example, Alice Zic works directly with healing the parentified. Many therapy apps allow users to access treatment from wherever they might at any time.

Another great way to heal is through hobbies. Journaling is an extremely popular coping mechanism. People journal to vent about their day-to-day stresses, but they can also journal to let out some of the trauma that can weigh them down. There is also art therapy for those who may not enjoy writing as much.

It is also important to find ways to heal the inner child, as Zic mentioned. Do things that you were deprived of as a child. Buy the toy you always wanted but never got. Take time to grieve the childhood that was lost. It can help you find who you are deep inside and explore that identity.

Alice Zic’s reminder must be heard by every person who has suffered the trauma of being parentified. All you have to do is take that first step and do something for yourself.