The act of infidelity is one of the most hurtful things a partner can commit. And gender may play a larger role in their reasons and reactions to cheating.
Everyone may have their own feelings and experiences; however, anatomy, hormones, and evolution can contribute to the causes and responses to infidelity.
My Personal Experience with Cheating
Throughout my childhood, I saw my parents as soulmates. Partners to pass the test of time. A relationship to last eternity. However, when I turned 14, I learned this to be false.
After waking up to the sound of my father screaming at the brink of daylight, I have never been the same. Distant murmurs of “I can’t believe you would do this,” and “Get out,” have been implanted in my mind like a regretted tattoo.
At the time, I wasn’t fully aware of what happened, but I knew it wasn’t good. Later that night, my parents asked if I wouldn’t mind spending the night at my friend’s house. I ended up spending the rest of the weekend there, because I was too afraid to hear the truth.
Later on, I found out that my mother had been messaging a man she met at the bar a few months prior. I don’t know the extent to which they went or if it ever became physical. Honestly, I don’t think I want to know.
Initially, I questioned not only her love for my father but also my mother’s love for me. How was she able to risk our family standing for a fling? Why was she willing to abandon everything we built for a man she just met?
My father struggled to find guidance from those outside of the family. Because my sister was at university at the time, I was the only one for him to confide in. He went into detail about their relationship and how it has always been rocky. Mentioning times of inconsistencies, infidelities, and a lack of trust in their partnership.
Although the situation caught me completely off guard, it opened my eyes to the reactions and causes of infidelity between men and women.
Responses to cheating from men and women
Reactions among women
During my findings, I’ve noticed a few patterns among female-identifying individuals. Women typically respond to the idea of their partner deeply caring for another person.
According to a study by the National Library of Medicine, Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences, “[W]omen are more likely to be affected by emotional infidelity rather than by sexual infidelity due to the fact that women carry the fetus and give birth.” (Rokach & Chain, 2023).
Although sexual infidelity is extremely harmful, women tend to be more negatively affected by the thought of their partner loving another woman.
Especially for long-term partners with children, this type of affair can leave women with a sense of abandonment. Additionally, women may feel fear for the betterment of their offspring.
Reactions among men
Men, on the other hand, tend to be more hurt if their partner commits a sexual affair. This is typically due to evolutionary and animalistic matters.
The National Library of Medicine continues by stating that men “…are more threatened by sexual infidelity, as evolutionarily, they were not sure whether the child was theirs (versus the mother who carries her own child) and did not want to protect, feed, and care for someone else’s offspring.”
Younger relationships without children may not experience this. Women like me use this idea to build lasting commitment.
Men often treat women as property or symbols. They may not realize it, but this mindset dominates society today. Men with beautiful partners often boost their egos, seeing her as proof of worth. When she cheats, they believe they’ve lost their prized possession.
Although this is simply an observation that I’ve seen in younger crowds, I’ve had many peers agree with this idea.
Causes for cheating with men and women
Causes among women
Women cheat for a wide range of reasons depending on their mental and physical states. However, the status of their relationship seems to play a large role in their intentions regarding cheating.
For example, Dr. Kathy Nickerson, a licensed relationship psychologist, explains on her page why women might cheat. “Women will say they feel invisible, unappreciated, like their sole purpose is to take care of everyone, and they want someone who takes care of them.” (Nickerson).
Ultimately, this shows that in relationships, women want to feel wanted, desired, and cared for. When they see an absence of love and thoughtfulness in their partner, they turn to others to gain what they are lacking.
This is typically the reason why most women who have affairs commit them emotionally rather than sexually. In most cases, sexual needs are not usually the issue.
Similarly, sometimes women cheat because they don’t know how to leave their toxic relationships, and rather than facing it, they find love in other partners.
Causes among men
Although the portrayal of men cheating in the media is often harsh, I don’t think it’s too far off from reality.
Men in television shows and movies, such as Dean Forester (Gilmore Girls) and Tony Soprano (The Sopranos), tended to cheat for sexual reasons. Even though this is simply television, it sheds light on the realities of cheating.
For instance, in American Psychological Association’s article, Men who cheat show elevated testosterone levels, they conducted an interview with Steve Gangestad, PhD, one of the study’s authors and a psychology professor at the University of New Mexico. Gangestad explains how high testosterone levels could be a cause for infidelity amongst men.
“They are really in some sense not taken off the market,” explains Gangestad.
“They are still interested in other women, and they are still high in testosterone. They are still engaged in the mating effort.” (Gangestad, 2006).
When men have higher levels of testosterone, they are more likely to have a higher sex drive. Although this doesn’t excuse their actions, it does provide some explanations.
This can be explained by the spreading genetic makeup through reproduction, while also recognizing their level of self-restraint. For instance, when a male has higher levels of testosterone, they want to spread that genetic trait by mating with another person. As a result, this continues with others.
Because of this, men typically have a higher inclination to cheat due to their evolutionary drives. Although this may be true, it doesn’t excuse sexual affairs nor does it justify their harmful behaviour.
It’s time to break the cycle
Through my research, I’ve found that in order to hold a long-lasting relationship without infidelity, both partners need to nurture one another. After years of stagnant love, you may find your relationship to be more convenient than exciting.
Introducing new date ideas, exploring new hobbies together, and having regular heart-to-hearts help couples build the emotional connection that holds their relationship together.
Even though during times of conflict we may find ourselves looking at all of the reasons why we’re different from our partners, ultimately, we must find what makes us so similar to heal our relationships.
