When I was fourteen, I thought I knew exactly who my friends were and how long they’d stay (forever, obviously), but as an adult, friendship has never felt so unclear.
With more knowledge and awareness around mental health, our generation is paying more attention to our own needs, (which is good!). But, we have a known problem in forming and maintaining friendships– the dreaded loneliness epidemic. And with that, a mental health crisis. It’s a catch–22: we’re sad and lonely, so we try to prioritise our own wellbeing, but in doing this, we can neglect the people in our lives and become even lonelier.
So, if it’s so hard to keep friends, should we be ending friendships or trying to fix them?
Here’s a scenario:
Your friend’s going through it, and they’ve realised reading before bed helps calm the brain worms. They’ve got a new resolution to prioritise their needs no matter what, but they also promised to meet with you the same evening they made this new self-care routine. Which should they prioritise?
There might seem like an obvious answer here, unless you’ve been in this situation and had this friend. In which case, maybe you’ve had to assess:
Are they prioritizing themself so much that they’re no longer being a good friend?
The idea of ‘low-maintenance-friendships’ was a solution to this question. Lower the standards of friendship, and you can prioritise yourself as much as you need to. But friendships aren’t always that simple. Sometimes you have to make the effort to reach out and make commitments even when you’re tired or feeling rough.
So, when does low-maintenance-friendship turn into neglect?
When I went to uni, my childhood best friend was like the most important person in the world to me. But then she got busy, and I got sad; we just drifted apart. There were a few messages here and there, along with many attempts at meetups or even just phone calls, but there was always something else that she was busy with.
And then the phrase “low-maintenance-friendship” began to circulate. It was a simple way to keep our friendship without making any changes to her bustling new life. So when she heard about this phrase, she decided that was our new dynamic, and I didn’t get a say.
Every missed call was a testament to our friendship – how amazing was it that we were able to stay so close without even trying? But what did close even mean? Were we ‘close’ now just because we always had been? Because I knew her favourite books and least favourite Mario Kart character?
These facts turned into stamps– proof that I’d visited the different parts of her life, and that meant we were friends. Even if I didn’t even know what job she had now.
That closeness was really there once though, and it’s okay to want it back.
How do I keep my friend?
Here are some tried-and-tested options:
Keep trying to stay in touch
Message when you’re free, give a random call while you’re waiting in line at a cafe, because one day they might pick up. Provide the effort for both of you and keep that friendship alive!
Talk it out
Like any relationship, feelings can’t even begin to be resolved without talking about them.
Maybe there’s a chance they just didn’t realise it was already that day they said they were gonna visit, or that holiday you constantly struggle with. People get busy, and they may be going through something themselves. Arrange a time, have a long chat about what’s been going on in your lives, how you’re both doing, and how you’ve been feeling about the friendship.
Here’s your time to hear each other out, be honest, and compassionate. Most likely, this is feeling just as hard on you both. And they may never know how you’re feeling if you don’t tell them.
This might go well! If they’re someone who truly cares about you, they’ll meet you with the same respect, and you’ll be able to talk this out. True friendship is a type of connection that is unmatched, and it isn’t something everyone gets to experience in their lives. I have hope for you both.
But if this talk doesn’t work out for whatever reason, it’s okay, let’s keep chatting.
When talking doesn’t work
After a year of uncertainty and insecurity in my last friendship, we talked. I told her how I felt about our friendship: the second-rate treatment, taking me for granted, and just her general absence. Most importantly, why she’d bailed on every meet-up attempt for the past year. And she struck me with a line that I couldn’t shake off.
“I think I just don’t want to see you as much as you want to see me.”
It stung, but still I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was just being truthful; it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. We’ve been friends for so long that she’s able to be blunt with you. That’s a good thing! But when I spoke to my other friends, they asked, “Why would someone you call your closest friend say that to you?”
It took me a year of no contact, becoming the jealous ex, writing unsent letters, poems, and stories about her. How could she not want me in her life anymore? How can she cope so easily? Why was I not important to her anymore? Did I talk about Minecraft too much in 2020?
Maybe when we were young, we were codependent. Maybe I had asked too much of her and there was no repairing it. But, whatever the reason, I think I deserved a real explanation instead of on-and-off contact, love when she felt like it, and silence when she didn’t.
You deserve that too—a friend who will respect you and their relationship with you. There are people out there who will be good to you; I promise.
If the conversation ends in disaster, it’s possible your friendship is doing more harm than good. If they’re no longer making you happy, and they don’t ever plan on trying to, then you can’t stick with it just to keep getting hurt. Every day, week, or month without a message will only make you feel worse.
It’s time to get out.
End the friendship
This option probably feels like the apocalypse right now. How can you leave the person who’s seen you at your weirdest and worst? But one person can’t maintain a relationship on their own, otherwise your left with,
The tried-and-failed option:
- Become their sad, jealous ex: Stalk their social media. Block their accounts randomly, like and unlike posts, leave depressing comments like “I’m glad you’re happy” and “I miss us :/”.
And that’s not gonna be good for either of you.
Talk it out, let them know where your head’s at, and try to stay level-headed to get your point across. And very importantly, make sure you have some trusted people around if you can, or something relaxing to do afterwards. Chances are the conversation will leave you feeling a little rattled.
Post friendship break-up
There’s no ideal way to manage a friendship break-up, but I’ve tried a lot of methods.
Writing letters
When I first realised that the friendship was over, I wrote a bunch of letters. And I mean, a bunch. The hardest part, I’ve found, is all the things you want to say over and over until they get it, but it’s possible they just never will. So, you can write the letters, get it all out, process every emotion and niggling annoyance you can’t let go of. But I wouldn’t recommend sending them.
Reminiscing
Then, for a while, I looked through old messages, pics, playlists, anything that reminded me of her. I never wanted to stop thinking about her. This helped me remember good things in the friendship, but it also hurt more to know we would never have that again. It’s okay to reminisce but try not to get stuck in a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore.
Cutting contact
I then tried to cut out all potential contact. Her Instagram, TikTok, Spotify, Twitter– all blocked. I wanted to completely remove her from my life, I wanted to completely remove seeing anything from her life, because it was too hard to know that I wouldn’t be in it. But, for some reason, I still follow her on Letterboxd. Our last way of keeping in touch– the potential of a like on the latest movies we’ve seen. We don’t like each other’s posts, but maybe, even after the two years away from each other now, it’s too difficult to completely say goodbye.
So, more helpful advice is cut out as much as you can.
When will it get better?
At the time, all these coping methods felt pointless. Nothing I did was going to fix how I felt, so why try?
But things aren’t going to feel better straight away, or anytime soon probably (sorry).
The angry letters, the longing and fixating on old pictures. They’re not meant to fix what happened, but they’re silently helping you process things. And now, instead of my desperate attempts at not missing her, I just miss her and keep going.
I write my stories, make my collages, hang out with friends, listen to music, cook and water the houseplants. Sometimes she pops into my head, and sometimes she doesn’t. But, by keeping the things around that make me feel happy and loved, I can handle it. You can handle it.
