Friendships are a fundamental part of our lives and can even affect how we see ourselves. They’re one of the most valuable connections we form in life. However, not all friendships are what they seem.
We meet so many different people in our lifetimes, and it’s totally normal for friendships to end. Genuine friends uplift, support, and stand by you through the good, the bad, and the ugly, acting as anchors of trust and loyalty.
Sometimes, people who appear to be close friends can be less supportive than you’d hoped, or even toxic. These “friends in disguise” can leave you feeling drained, betrayed, or undervalued, making it crucial to recognise the signs early on. In a world where social circles can be influenced by convenience, status, or hidden agendas, it’s essential to be able to distinguish between genuine friends and those who may not have your best interests at heart.
Many of us have experienced a friendship that felt real at first but eventually revealed cracks, whether through backstabbing, jealousy, or a lack of reciprocity. By exploring the signs of both healthy friendships and toxic ones, you’ll learn how to protect your emotional well-being, set boundaries, and surround yourself with people who truly value you. Let’s unpack some ways to tell if someone isn’t your friend
1. The Energy Is One-Sided
Friendships should feel reciprocal, not like a job interview where you’re trying to impress someone who barely shows up. If you’re always the one texting first, checking in, making plans, and showing up, while they’re … coasting, that’s not friendship – that’s emotional labour. A one-sided dynamic leaves you feeling drained, unimportant, and invisible.
It’s not about tallying up favours, but if you constantly go out of your way for someone who wouldn’t cross the street for you, take note. Real friends bring energy, interest, and effort to the relationship. If you’re doing all the emotional lifting, that imbalance isn’t sustainable – and worse, it’s not mutual.
2. You’re the Back Burner Friend
You’re not the first call, not the second. Maybe not even the top five. You’re the friend they remember when no one else is available, or when their plans fall through. It’s always, “We should link up soon!” but somehow, it never happens unless they’re bored, lonely, or in a pinch.
Being the “backup plan” friend can feel humiliating. You’re there in case of an emergency, not because they genuinely value your company. It becomes clear when they cancel at the last minute or always say they’re “too busy,” yet you see them out with others.
A real friend makes space for you in their life. A fake one keeps you on the shelf.
3. Backhanded Compliments and Sneak Dissing
Fake friends don’t always come with obvious red flags – sometimes, they cloak their jabs in sarcasm or “jokes.” Think: “You look great! I never thought you could pull that off,” or “Wow, you’re actually smart when you try.” These backhanded compliments are low-key insults designed to chip away at your confidence.
It’s psychological warfare wrapped in a smile. These so-called friends may act like they’re being funny or honest, but their comments hurt, and deep down, they know it. Real friends uplift. Fake friends undermine themselves while pretending they’re just “keeping it real.”
Ask yourself: After talking to them, do I feel good, or subtly insulted?
4. Keeping Up Appearances
Ever notice how your friendship looks solid on social media, but behind the scenes, it’s empty? They’ll tag you in photos, leave cute comments, and act close online – but barely talk to you in real life. That’s a classic sign of someone more interested in appearances than authenticity.
Fake friends curate your presence to boost their image. They may love having you in photos, but they don’t show up when you’re actually in need. If someone treats your friendship like a brand partnership, they’re not valuing you—they’re leveraging you.
Ask yourself: Are they here for me, or just the optics?
5. One-Sided Competition
A little friendly competition can be healthy, but when a friend constantly tries to one-up you, it becomes toxic. They don’t just celebrate their wins – they make sure you know about them in a way that diminishes yours.
Maybe you mention a goal you’re working on, and they respond with something bigger, better, or “more impressive.” Or worse, they downplay your success altogether. It stops being mutual encouragement and starts feeling like a quiet rivalry you didn’t sign up for.
True friends root for each other. Fake ones treat your growth like a threat.
Ask yourself: Do they support my progress, or try to outshine it?
6. They Hear You, But Don’t Really Hear You
Fake friends can sit through a conversation without ever truly listening. You tell them something meaningful, and they nod, smile, or change the subject. They remember nothing, never follow up, and never seem to care about what matters to you.
It’s frustrating when you share your struggles or dreams, and they either forget or brush them off. Listening isn’t just about being physically present – it’s about emotional presence. Real friends ask follow-up questions. They remember the things that matter to you.
Ask yourself: Do I feel heard, or just tolerated?
7. They’ll Start a Smear Campaign Against You
A fake friend won’t confront you when something’s wrong – they’ll talk to everyone except you. Suddenly, people are acting weird, and you find out someone you trusted has been airing your business or spreading twisted half-truths.
Whether it’s out of jealousy, revenge, or plain immaturity, they’d rather damage your reputation than resolve the issue directly. This kind of behaviour is not just shady—it’s toxic. Real friends deal with conflict face-to-face. Fake ones create drama in the group chat.
Ask yourself: Do they protect my name when I’m not around, or destroy it?
8. They Don’t Want to See You Win
Ever share good news and feel the energy in the room shift? A fake friend may smile on the outside, but inside, they’re simmering with envy. They might downplay your achievement, change the subject, or throw in a snide comment to take you down a peg.
Their support feels conditional. When you’re struggling, they’re comfortable. When you’re winning, they’re distant. That’s because your success makes them insecure. Real friends celebrate with you – fake ones resent you for it.
Ask yourself: Can they be happy for me, or only when I’m struggling?
9. They Keep Tabs on You (a.k.a. The Monitoring Spirit)
Not all fake friends disappear – some stick around just to watch your life unfold. They’re the ones who never reach out but always view your stories. They ask others what you’re up to but never ask you.
These are not supportive observers – they’re keeping score. Their interest in your life isn’t about connection; it’s about comparison, gossip, or control. Real friends engage with you. Fake friends stay on the sidelines, watching and judging.
Ask yourself: Are they truly present, or just lurking in the background?
10. They Exclude You from Plans
You find out through social media that there was a dinner, a trip, a group hangout – and somehow, your invite got “lost.” Again. It’s not a one-time oversight; it’s a pattern. Being consistently excluded sends a clear message: you’re not as valued as you thought.
Fake friends don’t prioritise you. They’ll offer excuses, say they “figured you’d be busy,” or pretend they forgot. But real friends want you there. They make room for you.
Ask yourself: Are they including me out of habit, or excluding me on purpose?
How to Deal with a Fake Friend
Dealing with a fake friend starts with clarity. Once you’ve recognised the signs, it’s time to decide what kind of energy you’re willing to tolerate.
Start by setting boundaries. You don’t owe anyone unlimited access to your time or emotions, especially if they’ve proven they can’t handle it with care. If you feel safe doing so, you can distance yourself gradually or have a direct conversation.
The goal isn’t drama – it’s peace. Choose yourself. Surround yourself with people who show up, speak the truth with kindness, and celebrate your wins like theirs.
Letting go of fake friends opens space for real ones – people who bring joy, growth, and genuine love into your life.
Friend or Foe? Choose Wisely
Fake friends are often the hardest to spot because they don’t always come with obvious red flags. But over time, the patterns emerge – the one-sidedness, the subtle digs, the emotional exhaustion.
Friendship should feel safe, energising, and mutual, not confusing or painful. If any of these signs hit too close to home, take a moment to reassess what you’re allowing in your space.
Life’s too short to be surrounded by people who don’t value you. It’s okay to let go, even if it hurts. You deserve friendships that are real, reciprocal, and rooted in love, not convenience, envy, or manipulation.
Let this be your reminder: you are not too much – you’re just around people who give too little.
