Friendship breakups can be just as painful as romantic ones, resulting in feelings of confusion and loss. Discover why they hurt so much, how to cope, and whether it’s possible to rekindle what was lost.
Unlike romantic breakups, which are much more prominently portrayed in media and pop culture, friendship breakups don’t always get the attention they deserve, yet they can be some of the most heartbreaking experiences we go through. One day, you’re laughing together, sharing inside jokes and secrets. The next day, it’s like you’re strangers.
Whether the breakup involved a grand conflict or no formal conclusion at all, the pain that follows is confusing. What went wrong? Could you have saved the friendship? Why does it hurt so deeply when things end? And… now what? The heartache of friendship breakups makes it evident that these overlooked relationships carry a deeper meaning than we may realize.
Why Friendships Matter
For many of us, friendships offer the stability and support that is essential to our emotional lives. They’re the relationships we count on, especially during pivotal times like high school or college, where friends can feel like family. Losing part of that core support system is bound to feel frightening.
Friendships also help shape who we are during these developmental years and offer a sense of shared identity. That’s why losing a close friend can make you feel like you’re losing a part of yourself. The memories you made during your friendship may replay over and over again in your head, but may now feel distant and sad rather than comforting and happy.
In addition, true friends make us feel comfortable to open up and be our authentic selves, because we know it will be met with love and acceptance. Depending on the underlying causes of the friendship breakup, the loss could lead to hesitation in opening up to others in the future.
Recognizing who your true friends are, showing them some gratitude, and maintaining those friendships is imperative, because the incredible role of friendships is easy to underestimate until the friendships reach their end.
Why Friendship Breakups Hurt So Bad
Psychotherapist and owner of MSC Therapy, Mollie Candib, LCSW, sums it up well: “Friend breakups hurt so bad because, similar to romantic relationships, you have built that strong connection with the friend.” Candib also explains how “romantic and platonic breakups can hurt equally as bad” and “negative thought patterns may arise for each.” Therefore, it is only fair that society approaches both romantic and platonic breakups with the same level of empathy.
Another reason friendship breakups leave such a lasting impact is that they don’t always come with the same level of closure as romantic breakups. Romantic relationships usually have many more labels associated with them, making it easier to determine when a relationship is over, with an example being the clear distinction of whether or not you are “dating.” However, with friendship breakups, you may simply be busy and stop hanging out as often and become distant to the point where the friendship is ultimately over.
Just like romantic and platonic breakups have their differences, there are various ways a friendship may end. The ending will inevitably impact the aftermath and best ways to move forward.
How Friendships Fall Apart
Not all friendship breakups follow the same script. Some dissolve due to a specific conflict, while others simply fade over time due to distance or life changes.
Conflict-based breakups often involve an unresolved argument that leads to the end of the friendship. These breakups can feel leave lingering feelings of anger or betrayal. Distance-based breakups, on the other hand, happen gradually, often without a clear event. Life moves forward and people grow apart. College, jobs, and relationships can all can change the dynamics of your friendship without any specific event to blame. These breakups might feel unresolved, since there’s no clear cause other than simply drifting apart.
While both types of breakups can hurt, distance-based breakups can feel more ambiguous; there’s an uncertainty of whether the friendship has truly ended. Without a specific event to point to, it can be difficult to find closure and it can leave you wondering if there’s hope to revive the friendship.
Recognizing Toxic Relationships
With conflicts in friendships, the following difficult question often comes up: how do you know when a friendship is truly unhealthy and not just going through a rough patch?
According to psychotherapist Mollie Candib, there are key red flags to look out for, including “if you feel like you need to lie or you’re being lied to, if you cannot be yourself, [and/or] if you find yourself in situations that are unsafe or unlike you.” These red flags signal that the friendship could be more harmful and draining than supportive.
Of course, all friendships hit bumps in the road. The key difference between a temporary rough patch and a toxic friendship lies in communication. If attempts to resolve issues through communication repeatedly fail, it may be time to let go, no matter how hard it feels.
Grieving the End of a Friendship
Whether it’s due to conflict or distance, losing a friend can be emotionally taxing. It’s important to recognize that friendship breakups involve a grieving process, similar to romantic breakups. You may experience stages of grief like shock, denial, anger, sadness, and finally, acceptance.
Part of the grief comes from the sudden absence of someone who once played a significant role in your life. You may feel isolated or struggle with the realization that the friend you relied on is no longer there, not to mention how others in your support system may underestimate the emotional intensity of friend breakups because they are often not treated with the same formality as romantic breakups.
During this grieving process, it’s essential to allow yourself time to heal. Reflect on the positive memories and what you gained from the friendship. Candib suggests that it can be helpful to think about how the friendship served you and what lessons you can take away from it.
Coping With a Friendship Breakup
The most difficult part, however, can be the actual act of moving on. And just like with other forms of loss, self-care and support are critical components of healing. There are several strategies to put this into action.
One strategy is daily self-care. Candib explains that this could be as simple as “doing at least one thing for you each day.” This could be reading a book, taking a walk, or indulging in a hobby you love. Anything that brings you temporary joy and takes your mind off the loss works perfectly.
Another important technique is mindfulness. Staying in tune with your emotions is key to processing the breakup in a healthy way. Candib encourages practicing mindfulness to align your thoughts and behaviors with your goals. This might include journaling, meditating, or simply checking in with yourself each day.
An issue that could arise after a breakup with a friend is if you share mutual friends. If this is the case, it’s important to establish boundaries. Mollie Candib explains the importance of deciding what you are and aren’t comfortable with: “Maybe you decide that you do not want to talk about the mutual friend with this friend, maybe you decide you do not want to be invited to the same get-togethers.” Boundaries help protect your emotional well-being post-breakup.
Lastly, it is crucial to surround yourself with people who offer support and positivity. Having a strong support system of friends and family can make the healing process less lonely.
Reviving a Friendship That’s Faded
While there are many ways to cope with friendship breakups, one thought that can emerge and make the process of moving on difficult is if the friendship is over for good. Is the friendship truly over, or is there hope to restore the bond? Well, if the friendship didn’t end due to a major conflict, there may still be a chance to rekindle what was lost.
Here are a few steps to consider if you want to rekindle a friendship. The first is open communication and honesty; expressing a desire to connect directly to the friend can work wonders. In addition, if there were misunderstandings, begin to rebuild trust by being open about your feelings.
However, not all friendships are meant to be revived. As Candib points out, “Sometimes friendships only last for a short period of time, and that can be okay!” If the negatives outweigh the positives or if the friendship no longer aligns with your personal growth, it may be time to move on.
Turning the Page With Hope
As painful as friend breakups can be, they also offer an opportunity for growth and reflection. Every relationship serves a purpose, even if it doesn’t last forever. It’s okay to grieve the loss, but it’s also okay to let go.
In time, you’ll heal, and you may even look back on the friendship with gratitude for the lessons it taught you. Remember, friendship breakups are part of life, and with each ending comes the possibility of new connections, deeper self-awareness, and a stronger sense of who you are.
For advice on making new friends and keeping up with old ones, check out these articles: “9 Tips For Making Friends Uni,” “The Highs (and Lows) of College Friendships,” and “Keeping up With School Friends (While in College).”
