Summer has been flying by…. And Auntie Dyke is back, locked in, and loaded with answers to all of your pressing queries! Let’s talk queer exclusivity, religious family, gender euphoria, and more!
To all of my Dear Queers,
Happy August! This has been a chaotic time of year for us all, I’d imagine. College students are gearing up to dive back into school, summer is nearing its close, and Pride month was chaotic, this year.
I have every intention of diving into the questions I’ve received from those of you who submitted to me, but I first want to talk a bit about Pride Month.
As we find ourselves falling deeper and deeper into our tumultuous political environment, it’s important to remember the roots of Pride and where it all began for the LGBTQIA+ community.
A note on Pride
Marked by the first brick thrown at Stonewall, Pride has always been first and foremost a protest. Rooted in a desire for equality and freedom, our queer ancestors spent six days rioting for their rights. Today, we tend to treat Pride Month as a celebration. Parties are thrown, parades are held, and celebrations run late into the night amongst queer friends, family, and allies.
While this party is a gift and privilege that is rarely lost on us, we are undoubtedly entering a terrifying time in the U.S. politically. There are currently 604 anti-LGBT bills in motion as of now, and while they may not all become laws, each of them pose a threat to the safety and rights of queer individuals.
As gay marriage rights are blatantly (and officially) being threatened, it is vital to remember our existence as queer individuals — and our celebration of pride — as the inherent protest that it is. We are celebrating our queerness to make ourselves heard, to remind the country of our existence, and to display our willingness to fight for ourselves.
This past Pride Month has been one of the rawest, most honest Pride’s we’ve had in quite some time. Filled with protests against ICE, rallies for human rights, and the shameless celebration of queer identities, I couldn’t be more proud of how our month turned out (despite the evil that created it).
To our allies
To my cisgendered, straight readers and friends, I also hold a brief message: In our current time of need…
We need you.
We need you.
If you have ever hesitated to speak up for us, now is the time to shed yourself of such trepidation. We are nearing a point in our history (arguably, we are already amidst it) in which lines will be drawn, and sides will be chosen.
Silence is equally as bad as being an active oppressor.
Your silence — should you choose to uphold it — leaves those of us you love, those LGBTQIA+ individuals in your life, to fight for themselves.
And we are tired of fighting alone.
We will if we must, as we always have, but in the ripe year of 2025, I beg of you… Don’t leave us alone. Don’t choose silence.
We need you.
We need you. (Please, please.)
I wish every single one of you peace, safety, and warmth. Even if we have to fight for it, first.
With all this said, Pride month is behind us and we must plunge into the future regardless, so… Let’s talk gender, exclusive environments, and family!
Queer exclusivity… Must or bust?
Dear Auntie Dyke,
What spaces do you believe should be exclusive to queer people (if any)?
Thanks!
Safe Place Seeker
Dear Safe Place,
Queer-exclusive spaces are an incredibly engaging topic, because it truly can be a divisive discussion amongst queer folk. On one hand, many people feel that queer-spaces must truly be open to anyone — regardless of their gender or sexuality — to act as the safe spaces they claim to be. What’s the point of embodying the statement “love means love” if that’s to exclude people who love in a heterosexual manner?
That said, plenty still argue that queer-exclusive spaces are essential to our community. After spending decades upon decades (quite literally) fighting for our lives, a safe space with enforced exclusivity to queers feels well deserved by those of us who find safety in these environments.
For some, having someone who is outside of the community in spaces that are strictly queer feels invasive, and even threatening at times. When queer people are eager for a place to find safety, why shouldn’t we make sure such safe guards are upheld? There are male or female only spaces and events (consider gyms, or clubs that are gender exclusive), there are almost entirely straight events held constantly, what is this one harm?
In my own opinion, though…?
I think that the question being asked here is much larger than whether I believe straight people should be allowed into (or kept out of) queer-designed spaces.
Certainly, I find the appeal of such a space. Somewhere I can go and be unapologetically and entirely safe no matter how loudly queer I am is attractive no matter how you phrase it. But, if we begin to police who is and who isn’t allowed into queer spaces, we not only bar cis-het people from the space, but we likely cut into our own “straight passing” ranks without ever recognizing it.
Mull over this thought: “heterosexual” does not inherently mean “not queer.”
Read that again.
I’d understand some confusion being had at this thought, but be reminded that sexuality is not the end-all be-all of queerness. Consider a cis-passing trans man being barred from a queer space because he holds a woman’s hand.
Does his ability to pass as a straight, cisgendered man negate his rightful place as a part of a queer space? I fear that the “T” in LGBT+ is lost not only by others, but by those within our community without us ever even recognizing the loss to begin with.
Conversation regarding barring straight people from queer spaces goes far beyond cis-het people, unfortunately, and directly impacts our community.
In a utopian society, yes I would love for spaces to exist solely for queer people. Unfortunately we don’t live a utopian lifestyle, and with the caveats of potentially excluding straight-passing queer individuals, I think that LGBTQIA+ spaces must be manned simply by the honor code.
More pressingly, I think it’s important that queer spaces safety is enforced, lest the unthinkable come to fruition. This means that anyone behaving inappropriately in a queer space must (obviously) be removed. If straight people care to join our queer environments… fine. Who am I to argue otherwise? But if they become disrespectful, or belligerent, I wholeheartedly believe that any queer space or business should absolutely maintain the right to remove them from their premises (without being accused of exclusion).
Ultimately, we need to be having conversations about safety and inclusion, and at this point, I do not believe we’re in a place to be barring anyone from our spaces… The risk of excluding trans and straight-passing people is simply too high to be disregarded.
Good luck on your queer environment ventures!
Best,
Auntie Dyke
Doubting your sexuality: Where to go next?
Dear Auntie Dyke,
Have you ever had internal doubts about the sexuality (or gender) you identify with? How did you over come them?
Sincerely,
Lost in Labels
To my dear Lost,
This is such an intimate question, and I thoroughly appreciate you asking it.
Quite honestly, this can be a difficult conversation for me. Not because it’s unimportant, but because of course I’ve had doubts about my sexuality. Coming out as young as I did inherently meant that someday I was likely to reflect back and ask, “Do I really mean this?”
The doubt was intimidating when it finally struck.
After living life as an out-of-the-closet lesbian since I was 13 years old, what did it mean to suddenly be questioning my identity– something I’d always felt comfortable with? Who was I if I wasn’t confident in my sexuality?
To answer your question (and my own, all those years ago), I overcame this by granting myself grace and allowing myself to explore despite the unfamiliar territory.
I won’t deny that this came with difficulty. I struggled greatly with allowing myself the space to poke and prod my curiosities without judgment.
Nonetheless, despite my internal battle, I eventually did come to a place in which I could play with the idea of me potentially liking someone who wasn’t a non-man.
This room for experimentation gave me the space to cement for myself that I was inarguably very, very lesbian.
My most succinct advice to you?
While I urge you to explore this curiosity of yours, be prepared for the aftermath. Sometimes reconnecting with your sexuality can lead to feelings of guilt or lack of confidence in your own validity. It’s important to remember: You’re allowed to experiment, and even more so you’re allowed to change your mind about who you are and what you identify as. Whether that’s coming out of a label and then settling right back into it, redefining your label all together, or shedding labels entirely, there is an answer at the end of this particular adventure.
Remember, your sexuality is yours alone. The best thing you can do for yourself is to covet it, nurture it, and urge it to bloom no matter what may deter you otherwise.
Good luck, Lost! Give yourself time, space, and grace… You deserve it.
Be kind to yourself,
AD
Engaged, in love, and heartbroken: A queer reality.
Dear Auntie Dyke,
I am getting married to the love of my life and am so excited to start my life as her wife. This beautiful blessing has been clouded with some unfortunate familial issues. One side of my family is in a crazy strict religion and won’t be in attendance to the wedding. I always knew that marrying a woman would look this way for me, but there are some people on that side of the family who have supported me up until this point and are now deciding to not be apart of it all. I really don’t know how to navigate this. I’m devastated. Any advice?
Best,
Gay, Engaged, and Conflicted
Dear GEC,
I’d be remiss not to lead my response to you with joy. I relish queer love like nothing else, and hope that your upcoming wedding day (and many preparations beforehand) is as seamless and beautiful as you hope it to be. I am never one to turn away an opportunity to celebrate queer love and success, and yours is no exception.
That said, your note to me does hold an important — if heartbreaking — aspect within many queer relationships: The uglier realities of getting married.
I will not write to you singing heartbreaking tales of queer marriage, as I am sure you’re seasoned enough to understand what I mean here. Yet, it’s worth noting nonetheless… Queer marriage does, at times, come with these caveats. Familial abandonment and harsh judgements are not a foreign addition to queer weddings.
First and foremost, I want to take the time to say I’m sorry that this is something you’re currently experiencing. I know how hard these moments can feel. At a point in your life when you should be relentlessly and unceasingly joyous, it aches to have to pause for these moments of hurt.
It’s important to acknowledge your hurt. It’s valid, and it sucks. You’re allowed to (and should) allow yourself to hold space for that pain.
Still, it’s valuable that you don’t linger so long that you lose the ability to rejoice.
Take time to step away from scrutinizing your family members who may be unsupportive of you at this time, and instead attempt to focus on those who do.
Perhaps one of the greatest gifts that queerness grants is the joy of chosen family. Building a support system around oneself, in the face of societal (and often familial) rejection, is a deeply familiar experience for queer individuals. I want to emphasize the value of recognizing those who do rally around you.
In moments like these, “practicing gratitude” will play a pivotal role in your mental health and wellness.
Focusing on those who do support you can be the best way to block out the vitriol issued by others’ homophobia. Prejudice is ugly, but love and acceptance hold far more beauty than hate.
While I’d advise you hold tight to your supporters and do your best to ignore those who turn their nose up at you, I’d also urge you to learn from those who turn their backs on you at this time.
It sounds like some of your family members are revealing true colors… Take note. It’s important to be aware of whom you can and can’t rely on in times of need. Those who support you should be included in your fail-safe system. Those who don’t should be carefully removed from this system when the time comes to call for help (because that time always does come, eventually).
Be unafraid of setting and holding your boundaries throughout this wedding planning process. As my mother says:
Weddings and funerals bring out the honest and weirdest aspects of all people.
Auntie Dyke’s Momma
Congratulations again, GEC! You’re taking a step into a beautiful chapter of life, and you deserve to celebrate with joy above all else.
I hope you find light in your future endeavors, despite the dark some may try to cast your way.
Warmest regards,
AD
On the topic of gender and androgyny
Dear Auntie Dyke,
I hope this makes sense…
I am a cisgender queer woman, and I haven’t experienced any struggle or discomfort identifying as such. However, although I view myself as a woman, and use she/her pronouns, at the same time I have always felt internally and externally comfortable, euphoric, and more myself when I feel masculine. Don’t get me wrong, I also feel that I am a feminine person, but I always end up feeling the most comfort as myself when I’m feeling and presenting masculine.
I love when I feel “manly” AND I love when I feel confident as a woman. And I have always thought of this as having a masculine or androgynous gender identity, but I’ve never really understood what’s actually going on if that makes sense? I know I am cis, so is this feeling apart of my gender identity?
Help help help me try to understand myself wise Auntie Dyke!!!!!!
Yours,
Masculine and Mystified
Hello, Masculine!
One of the most important details of your note, to me, is your confidence. I encourage you to trust that confidence. Much of gender expression is intuitive and instinctual for most. If you resonate with your identity as a cis woman who leans androgynously, don’t force yourself to try to find something deeper in that.
Of course, I’m not telling you not to explore that comfort zone you find within your more masculine self. Perhaps it will result in more, someday — new pronouns, a new label, a new outlook. But if it doesn’t… You’re allowed to not label this aspect of you at all.
Probing and questioning your gender identity goes far beyond being transgender or cisgender. It pushes you to shed gender expectations and stereotypes in order to express yourself in a way that feels accurate and safe.
Your gender identity is what you choose it to be. Your being cis doesn’t exclude you from having your unique self-expression. Just as a straight girl can be sexually expressive in her unique ways, a cis girl can be uniquely expressive with her gender as well.
I’d say I hate to be corny by saying this, but I’d be lying: Life is what you make of it. This sentiment does not stop at the mention of gender. Allow your confidence to guide you through this journey– it’s the most important thing you can hold onto throughout this period of curiosity.
Yours always,
AD
Beating the straight-passing allegations
Auntie Dyke,
My boyfriend and I are both bi & queer, and view queerness a little bit differently. I am comfortable in my bisexuality purely as an identity, where he finds validation in his queerness through action. Outside of exploring queer kink between the two of us, this is a little compromising in a “straight” passing, monogamous relationship. This may be a reach but I’m wondering if you have recommendations for activities that might validate both of our queer selves outside of a sexual space?
bless and also slay,
Navigating Nuances
Navigating,
There is no such thing as a reach when it comes to accessing queer support. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are in a precarious position, and I can absolutely see why this would be a question that you’d hesitate to ask.
And I won’t lie and say that you’ve asked an easy or simple question. What you poke at here is complex and has no right answer.
In all actuality, the key piece of advice I find important to lead with is this: Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Remember, within reason, discomfort is not a negative thing, but instead an indicator of incoming growth.
Don’t be afraid to try new things and step into new environments, you never know what they might bring you!
This all being said, I recommend looking into queer groups in your area. A great place to start searching out these groups is online. Try Facebook groups and Instagram pages geared towards these kinds of environments. In my own area just a quick search brings up queer soccer teams, LGBTQIA+ pottery lessons, and a queer focused book club.
A similar recommendation here is to keep an eye out for announcement boards while you’re out and about. Do you have a favorite queer cafe? Maybe a bookstore with a queer focus? There is likely a cork board in these places advertising different (and typically free) events, clubs, and gatherings.
Don’t balk at taking a second to check public spaces out for these resources; you never know what you may stumble upon!
I’d also urge you to consider some loudly queer environments.
Some of my favorite queer experiences have come from LGBTQIA+ focused parties, night clubs, and bars. These are spaces where anyone can take the opportunity to be anything. Maybe even push yourself to do something out of your usual in these spaces: Show up in drag, do your makeup outrageously, dress in something you’ve always wanted to wear but never have.
Spaces like these are particularly accepting and inclusive of the bizarre and unexpected, and they allow you to explore without judgment (and with a little liquid courage, if that’s your schtick).
If you feel uncomfortable attending events and gatherings in a straight passing manner, you and your partner can consider a way to show that you’re both individually bisexual. I often see people wearing bracelets, pins, or other accessories with some indication towards their queer identities. This can be a subtle way to clue people in to your involvement in the community without putting you in a position to explain yourself a dozen times over.
There’s truly no right answer to this question. Ultimately, it’s between you and your partner to decide what’s comfortable for you while still scratching that itch.
Be open, communicate, and explore your area as much as you’re able. If you’re in an area without many options, don’t be afraid to check out your nearest cities or towns for other possibilities! There are always resources for you available.
Forever slaying,
AD
A final remark
Thank you to every one of you that has emailed in. Going forward I have established a Google form that can be used to submit inquiries to me, in hopes of making it easier for you all to reach out, while still assuring your anonymity. You can find the link here.
I’ve so adored hearing from each of you, and I look forward to talking with you all again soon! Take care of yourselves, and I’ll see you in Edition Two!
Want to reach out to Auntie Dyke? Do you have any burning queer queries? Fill out an anonymous form here, and keep an eye out for Auntie Dyke’s next column for an answer!
