The five love languages have become a staple of conversations about relationships. Despite their popularity, there is a question as to whether the perceived love languages actually have an effect on people’s relationships.
The concept was officially coined in 1992 by Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Over 30 years later, this idea remains a frequent topic of discussion for those seeking a relationship or already in one.
However, there is debate regarding the validity of this theory. While Chapman may claim that love languages will determine the success of your relationship, other psychologists argue that the concept has little validity.
What are the love languages?
While there has been some debate on the number of love languages there are, it is commonly accepted that there are five. The popularity of each of the five has changed throughout the past three decades.
Quality time
Several surveys have concluded that the current most common love language is quality time. A survey from Hims found 31.5% of Americans identify most with this. If this is your love language, your main focus in a relationship is to spend time with your partner. It doesn’t have to be some extravagant trip climbing Mount Everest; it can just be as simple as lying in bed and watching TikToks together.
Physical touch
The second most common love language is physical touch, accounting for around 27.5% of Americans. It is more common for men to have physical touch as their top love language compared to women. Physical touch is for those who find comfort in physical contact with their partner. Whether it be a hug, kiss, or brush of the elbow, they want it all.
Words of affirmation
While it used to be thought of as the most popular love language, words of affirmation are currently the top choice for only about 15% of Americans. People who enjoy words of affirmation feel most loved when their partner gives them positive feedback and encouragement.
Acts of service
Tied for third place with words of affirmation is acts of service. Acts of service have essentially the same commonality as words of affirmation, possibly because the two share similarities. Acts of service mean that you feel most loved when your partner does things for you. If you find yourself swooning over your partner doing the dishes, this might be your love language.
Receiving gifts
The least common love language is receiving gifts, accounting for about 11% of Americans. Those who prefer this love language feel most loved when they receive any sort of gift from their partner. This can be anything from a chocolate bar to a new car.
What are the downsides?
While most of the focus of the five love languages is on the positive impacts they have on people’s relationships, there are some negative traits associated with each. It can be just as important to know your love language, just to know what you might struggle with in your relationship.
Quality time
It can be great to spend a lot of time with your partner. However, some people might take it too far. Quality time lovers might fall into the trap of becoming a little bit too attached to each other. It’s important to remember that you can hang out with other people besides your partner.
Physical touch
Physical touch can cause some problems, especially if your partner doesn’t like to show as much physical affection. People with this love language have the potential of coming off as too touchy. While you might always want to touch your partner, it is also important to recognize any boundaries they might have.
Words of affirmation
While words of affirmation might seem completely harmless, they could stem from personal insecurity. Those who seek words of affirmation might do so because they lack confidence in their relationship. It is important to recognize the difference between a desire for words of affirmation and a dependence on them.
Acts of service
It can be difficult to have acts of service as your ideal love language, especially if you have a partner who isn’t as active. Sometimes, this can make your partner feel as though they are more of a servant than a lover.
Receiving gifts
Perhaps the reason why receiving gifts is the least common is because of its association with selfishness. Some people might see people who want gifts as spoiled or needy. This can be especially problematic with partners who worry about their finances. It is important to remind your partner that you appreciate all gifts, no matter the size.
Does it actually affect my relationship?
Many people hold love languages as the ultimate tool to decide if a relationship will be successful. In fact, some people may even end their relationships over mismatched love languages. However, research suggests that a different preference from your partner doesn’t mean an inevitable end to your relationship.
Most studies done on this topic have actually found that love languages themselves don’t actually have any effect at all on the success of a relationship. It is also important to know that the way you like to receive love may not be the way you like to show love. This means that you can still be compatible with someone even if you don’t have the same love language. Perhaps what is more important is your ability to show love to your partner in the way that they want.
Although the validity of the love language theory is questionable, it doesn’t mean that the concept is completely pointless. Love languages serve as a great way to communicate your desires in a relationship. If you use love languages, not as a compatibility test, but as a way to communicate your own needs, you will be much more likely to have a healthy relationship.
