Do you have a Mr. Big? Are you in a relationship, newly single, or wondering who Mr. Big is? Spoiler alerts ahead!
Who is Mr. Big?
If you don’t know, Mr. Big is Carrie Bradshaw’s on-again, off-again relationship from the infamous series, Sex and the City.
Big is a charismatic and wealthy man with commitment issues. He’s tall, handsome, confident, and mysterious, almost like a Wall Street type of man.
Throughout the series, Big and Carrie’s relationship is often categorized as toxic. Carrie puts in a lot of effort to try and make it work in the beginning, but Big’s ego, commitment issues, and emotional unavailability get in the way. But, he later evolves into someone who is more open to vulnerability and commitment—they even get married at the end.
Out of all the relationships in the show, Carrie and Mr. Big’s relationship reflects the realism of human imperfection. They are far from perfect, but they’re relatable and full of lessons about love, vulnerability, and growth. In many ways, it mirrors my own relationship.
My Mr. Big
While watching the show, this relationship took me on a roller coaster ride. I can relate—I’ve got my own Big.
Let me explain: my Big is more like the Big from Seasons 3 and on. He struggles to tell me how he feels sometimes, he beats around the bush—just like Carrie’s Big. I will say that he is getting a bit better at it now (after knowing him for 6 years).
It can get irritating, but every relationship has its ups and downs. They are never easy, but of course, it’s all part of the journey. Will there be arguments? Hell yeah there will be. Will there be back-and-forth, on-and-off moments? Again, yes.
The problem is, people hate Carrie’s Big because he’s toxic, selfish, and uses his manipulative charm to get out of things.
But I don’t see it that way. I think you need to experience this type of relationship in order to understand it. You need a person who’s your kryptonite, like my Big is mine. (Disclaimer: I do not condone toxic relationships; if you are in one and don’t know how to get out, seek help from friends and family).
What does it mean to be with Mr. Big?
This person will be your weakness! Just like Carrie, you will crumble and fall for him over and over again; you are going to think this person is the one.
But this relationship will be very one-sided. From the start, you will constantly chase after approval and love, and give it your all. On top of that, it will be a repeated cycle of breakups and reconciliation; if you need a real life example, look to Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber’s relationship.
These relationships are described as toxic, as something that needs to be avoided. It can be very exhausting when you are the one putting in all the effort to win your Mr. Big over. Trust me when I say this, it is extremely draining.
Yet, we all want what isn’t good for us. We even crave it at times. Despite all the emotional ups and downs, relationships like these are part of our story.
Is it a necessary experience?
Relationships like these are hard to juggle; you never know what to expect. Will you get someone who is loving, or will you get someone who will do you dirty?
I think that if you are in this relationship once, you are more likely to get into another relationship just like it (if you have a “perfect” loving relationship, good for you).
My friend is a prime example of this. She met her Mr. Big a little before I met mine. Their relationship was very on and off, but when she finally moved on to another person, he had similar traits. Her later relationship(s) weren’t all bad, but they were similar; it was her mind’s unconscious desire for familiarity.
Keep in mind, we are all human and have our flaws. No one is perfect, and life is a learning process.
Toxic…?
Most of the time, this type of relationship is toxic. Being in this relationship means your partner is often emotionally closed off and may treat you poorly. Your Big might struggle to express his emotions, which makes sense—men are less likely to express how they feel. Society sees it as “masculine damage,” meaning men avoid anything that can be harmful to the masculine norms for themselves and society.
My Big is terrified of looking “weak” to an outside observer. But behind closed doors, he is a softie, like most guys are. Everyone feels… I just wish my Big knew it’s okay to let his emotional barriers down.
As much as I hate to admit it, my Big treated me pretty horribly when we first met. In the beginning, every time we got into an argument, we would “call it off.” But what that really meant was that we were having a momentary break from the relationship.
I absolutely hated it. I was the one always fighting for the relationship to work, while he would say things like, “I’m with someone else now,” or “I don’t like you anymore,” or even “I had sex with another girl.”
Those words cut so deep, but my Big turned it around when he calmed down and somehow won my heart back.
My Big and I also tend to get into the same arguments, creating emotional baggage and the fear of getting hurt. This causes old wounds to reopen and, in a way, makes us not want to be fully there for the other.
But that’s not the whole story.
Or healthy…?
Despite the messiness, relationships like these also have redeeming qualities. Your Big can also be considered a banter boyfriend—like Carrie’s Big is. A banter boyfriend is someone who will joke around and make witty remarks through shared humor. This person is the one who makes you laugh to the point you pee your pants or get the worst stomach ache you can possibly get in the world.
Your Big will be the only one who truly understands you—like my Big and Carrie’s Big. Yes, you will have icks and find some toxic traits, but that is a learning process to break through.
We all have commitment issues to a certain extent. As a Gen Z kid with a short attention span, I certainly do. We say we are going to do one thing, but end up doing another. Oh, and we watch all the videos at 2x speed if that is an option.
Being in this type of relationship requires patience, especially when your man can be emotionally unavailable. They will open up—it just takes a bit of time to get to that point. Just because his walls are up doesn’t mean he isn’t human—that is as human as someone can be.
I know it seems like I just shit talked my Big, but he has his good qualities, and he has my heart. That was all in the past, and now that we’ve gotten through it, things are mostly positive. There are still moments when we have petty little arguments. But now we solve it by taking a few breathers, having a moment to calm down, and more importantly, communicating with each other about what happened.
Still, not every Big relationship can be saved.
Break the cycle
Being in a relationship with your Mr. Big can be draining. It will come to a point when you have to ask yourself: Is this working? If your answer is no, it’s time to change.
Our brains are psychologically wired to pick things we are familiar with. This pattern goes further than a physical attraction–it is an emotional attraction. To break this cycle, you need to acknowledge the pattern. Recognize what the common denominator is and think about past choices that influenced your actions now. Once this realization surfaces, maybe try dating someone who is different than those you have previously dated.
Takeaway
To answer the big question: yes, I believe everyone has their own Mr. Big. Everyone experiences this type of relationship at some point in their life. I am experiencing it, and so is my friend, both of us in our own ways. Something she tells me all the time is, “I can’t leave him alone as much as he can’t leave me alone.”
There will always be that one person who is constantly in our lives and mind that won’t disappear. Even if you stop thinking about them, they appear just as quickly.
Carrie’s Big isn’t perfect, he is flawed like every human being, much like my Big, but there is always room to make improvements and better yourself for the person you love. My Big is a huge part of my life. Relationships are a two-way street, and they are never easy, but it’s worth it (do not get manipulated into thinking otherwise).
“It wasn’t logic, it was love”
– Carrie Bradshaw
These kinds of relationships teach us how to be patient, how to be empathetic, and how to love someone fully, even when it’s hard. Both partners need to put in effort, but sometimes you might have to do more because your partner is at their low point. Everything that happens shapes who we are and who we become in a relationship.
