College Is A Language I'm Still Learning

College is a foreign language to me. The tests, the endless stream of students parading the hallways, the constant doubts ringing in my ears, and the feeling that I don’t belong. Being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world has caused me to adjust to standards that were never my own, bracing for overstimulation and fatigue. There are opportunities for translation, and it has caused me to redefine what it means to be autistic.

Being autistic has made me stand out all of my life. When I was diagnosed at 4 years old, I remember not knowing why I felt different from the other kids.

Autism was a constant echo in my life. Life was louder, more overwhelming, and more difficult to process, just like language was at first.

I always had a love for words and became advanced in reading and language arts. But then, college came.

College, but with overstimulation

College was a culture shock for me. I didn’t know how to manage it at first. There was so much paperwork, deadlines, and the lingering doubts in my head about doing a great job, about being good enough, and persevering through it all.

My first semester was fun, but overwhelm crowded my senses. The classes were interesting, nonetheless. I was learning Mandarin, and imitation was my strong suit, like I was back in elementary and middle school, but there was a thought in the back of my mind whispering, “Can I handle this?” “Can I meet the standards I’ve set for myself?”

“I can do it, I can do it,” I said in my head, quieting the noise that buzzed in my brain like it usually does.

I got mostly A’s in all of my classes, but I still felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I wasn’t doing as good a job as everyone seemed to believe I was. My mother was proud. My stepfather praised me at every chance he got and would brag about me to family members.

I think it’s really common for neurodivergent students like myself to believe they’re not meeting neurotypical standards. A 2023 study by the National Library of Medicine states that neurodivergent students are relatively disadvantaged compared to their neurotypical peers. It’s a common obstacle we face, but that doesn’t mean we can’t succeed.

Success is measured differently for everyone. Some people measure it by how many achievements they can rack up, and others believe success is trying their best and believing in the best possible outcomes when difficult situations arise.

Throughout all of the obstacles I’ve faced as an autistic student, I have come to realize that success is found in the last part.

A lot of neurodivergent students struggle at first. According to the National Library of Medicine, neurodivergent students lack inclusive support on college campuses, often resulting in lower GPAs.

I definitely felt like there was a need for more academic support in college, especially for neurodivergent students, such as more awareness of sensory overwhelm in classrooms and recorded lectures. In addition, as other students seemed to pass by in social environments, I was struggling to make and find friends.

Even though I eventually made a few friends and acquaintances along the way, something was still missing. There wasn’t a problem with me, but there was a problem with self-worth and figuring out who I was throughout my college experience.

I would constantly compare myself to other students who I thought were better, more accomplished, or who had more friends, people to talk to when they needed advice, and a shoulder to cry on. I thought I was alone through it all, and I didn’t have a community of people to support me at the time.

Friends slowly came into the picture. It was a gradual process, but now I didn’t feel so alone. School clubs that interested me became safe spaces, and I connected with other students who were just as passionate about language as I was.

When I was in high school, I masked less. I was louder, more comfortable being myself in academic spaces, but then when I got to college, there were unspoken social rules lingering in the air, not that there weren’t any in high school.

Things became more serious, and I was beginning to fade into the background amongst the thousands of students at my university.

The moment I realized I was going to be okay

After all of the obstacles and shortcomings, I realized I was going to be okay. My professors saw that I was trying by speaking up about my overstimulation and going to academic counseling. My grades got better, I got the support I needed, and I felt like things were turning out for the better. Before, I wanted to strive for excellence in every aspect of my life, but I was still tethered to neurotypical standards and perfectionistic pressure from myself. I realized there was no need for that in the end. But what helped me succeed the most was changing my major to English.

I was extremely hard on myself before, and it made me lose sight of my talents and strengths. I loved learning languages, writing, and coming up with creative ideas. Now I just had to put these things to good use, and I ultimately changed my major from Mandarin Chinese to English, which was still in the language world.

The language I’m still learning

Overall, college is a language I’m still learning to process. I still get overstimulated by the crowds, but now the anxiety has softened into a faint whisper. It’s not tugging on me tightly like it used to; not weighing on my mind so heavily. Now the crowds are more like background noise.

The world isn’t as overwhelming as it used to be, and I suppose it’s part of growing up, maturing, and realizing there are ways to manage and work around my diagnosis. Even now, things are starting to look up for me. I am finally studying something I love. I’m excelling in my classes and learning how to advocate for myself, whether that is by asking questions or silently carving my own path as I write poems and work on my creative projects.

Despite the setbacks and challenges, I have learned how to triumph over them. I have learned how to regulate myself, and I leaned on my family when I was stressed about school and advocated for myself when I needed extra time for assignments. By not pressuring myself to conform to neurotypical standards, I am paving the way for other students like me, who feel like they don’t belong in a culture that wasn’t designed for them.

I was born into a world that wasn’t made with me in mind, but I’m glad I have found my place in it. This place feels calmer, much closer to the young woman I am becoming. She is freer, more accepting of herself, and more courageous than ever. College is a language I’m still learning, and some things are still in need of translation.

Overall, I am happy with myself. Being neurodivergent is something I have come to accept, and it is not a disadvantage as some people may believe. It’s not always easy, and it’s not just quirky traits people describe on TikTok. I’m still learning, still trying, and that is the beautiful part.

My neurdivergence is a language some people have a hard time processing, but that doesn’t mean it will remain difficult to understand forever. It’s something people have come to understand, like a word they’ve just learned, and they slowly add it to their vocabulary until it becomes normal. My autism is a testament to my resilience and persistence. I hope neurodivergent students can see themselves the way they interpret language, beautifully and with a mind tuned into a different frequency.