Much like my love for music because of its relatability, I adore scrolling through my feed on social media. Reason being, the algorithm made it so I exist within an internet based community of people just like me. From individuals who listen to the same artists as I do, to conversations around a new episode of a show, my page is essentially a digitized diary.
Rather than writing in this diary, I save videos to revisit. Each of the TikToks I’ve saved is a puzzle piece which, when put together, explain why I am the way I am. Hence why a vast majority of them have to do with being a people pleaser. A chronic one at that. Reason being, it’s an essential part of my make up.
For the longest time, I was able to get by through just knowing I wasn’t alone. After all, humans crave relation. Though, eventually all well oiled machines get rusty. People pleasing, of all my common bad habits, got to be especially tiring. Eventually, I had enough. Change was in order. The type of change only I could enforce.
I get it
Cutting to the chase, I was raised to care for others. My mother would tell me that a pretty heart is more valuable than a pretty face.
Obviously, that’s true.
As a child, I was a social butterfly. Though, that love for getting to know others eventually faded and was replaced by a degree of shyness. However, my constant desire to see the good in people didn’t. From the alleged “troubled kid” to the teacher’s pets, I’ve been friends with a range of people. With time, this affinity for being incredibly open-minded and a good listener segued into the need to be the perfect friend.
In the end, I became my own enemy. I’d stress always being the person to swoop in and help out. Heavily considering how anything I did or said would affect my loved ones was the beginning and end of every discussion, or question.
This emphasis on the people in my life eventually allowed for concerns for myself to slip through the cracks, this resulted in a nearly constant state of self-sacrifice.
Consequently, anxiety comes into the equation when I’m unable to help someone. This causes me to be down on myself, getting in the way of my own happiness and self-preservation.
Of course, this is an unhealthy cycle.
The reality of growing up
With age, comes more complex struggles. More specifically, ones to do with mental health. This is when I amplified what I was taught as a small child, taking it from a level of normalcy to poisoning my mindset. As middle school went on, learning how to be a rock for my friends was at the forefront of my education. Nevermind math equations and upping my writing skills, now it was all about being the friend everyone looks to in their time of need.
Naturally, this has caused me to worry about my worth as a companion, if I can’t immediately make everything better.
That’s where the classic term “therapist friend” came into the equation. I quickly began to identify with it, categorizing myself as one as if it’s my only purpose in any meaningful relationship.
While it’s normal to look out for the loved ones in your life, it’s unnatural to practically destroy yourself to do so time and time again. After all, even heroes need a break from time to time. They may always be ready to jump into action and save the day, but no one is immune to exhaustion- even the mental kind. Exactly as the classic saying goes, you can’t fill other’s cups when your own is empty. Additionally, attempting to do so would be doing a disservice to yourself and whomever you’re trying to help.
Think about it: You’re both unable to put your best foot forward and keep it planted, satisfying neither party.
Adulthood is tricky
It turns out I know a whole lot of nothing.
The knowledge in my brain truly pales in comparison to what I have yet to learn. Truthfully, being able to say I know everything there is to learn is incredibly unrealistic. However, as my mind pans to beginning my second year, I’ve reevaluated what I just survived. If my freshman year taught me anything, it’s that adulthood is full of tough pills that are difficult to swallow.
I was quickly struck by the fact that being a people pleaser will damn my life professionally.
That is not to say anyone should be horrifically jealous or distastefully competitive to the point of burning bridges, and, therefore, be disliked in their respective field. Rather, it can mean going for that dream position instead of backing down to preserve other people’s feelings. It can also look like being on your own team, rather than someone else’s.
At the end of the day, you are your own cheerleader and coach. Act accordingly.
You aren’t alone!
This all goes without saying that you aren’t alone. I am one of many who gets what you’re experiencing. And if not the whole picture, an aspect of it. Consequently, this is the reality that social media confronts us with. At the end of the day, we’re all human. In comparison to other beings, humanity is unique because of our hunger for connection and community.
With that in mind, although in moments of struggle you may feel alone, you truly aren’t.
YouGov, a British international market data and analytics firm proved this in a 2024 poll. Contextualized by data journalist, Jamie Ballard, a whopping 48% of Americans “would describe themselves as people pleasers.” Among that percentage, 70% of them felt people in their life would agree with that sentiment. It should also be noted that while 47% of Americans wouldn’t describe themselves as a people pleaser, they agreed to being guilty of people-pleasing actions.
Meaning, although it isn’t a chronic issue, they do admit to engaging in such behaviors.
The 9 exhibitions
Ballard’s piece even breaks down what those various actions are. Here are some of the tendencies that were contested: Going to great lengths to avoid conflict, putting other people’s needs first and feeling like they can’t say “no” when asked for something, feeling responsible for how other people feel, apologizing or taking the blame for something that isn’t even their fault, struggling to establish boundaries, mirroring the behavior of others in social settings to make them feel comfortable, struggling to recognize how they truly feel about something and, finally, saying they agree with someone even if they actually don’t.
The conclusion?
93% of Americans do at least one of nine typical people-pleasing behaviors, and 7% of those polled agreed to often doing all nine.
Driving this home, I am definitely one of the 7%. Or, I at least fiercely used to be.
Tearing down this terrifying monster
Realizing just how chronic this issue is, and how much control it had over my life was terrifying. Due to this, it’s easy to shy away. After all, it’s so easy to keep things as they are. But is it really? How easy is it on someone to constantly wipe themselves out, actually? While making corrections can be exhausting, so is being in a constant state of self-sacrifice.
Addressing behaviors that are ingrained in our day-to-day lives can be overwhelming, and understandably so. It’s almost as if you’re taking your DNA and editing it- a task that even scientists have found to be difficult. Just like science proves, it’s a lot of trial and error. Trials being to enact changes that need to be made, and error being occasionally slipping back into those old ways. Part of making this seemingly impossible task smaller means breaking it down. Truly, all you’re doing is acknowledging the problem and then addressing it.
Acknowledging what you need to handle is important.
A hard truth
In no way is this an easy feat. As you tackle this mob boss, you will struggle and want to give up. That’s important to remember; wanting change is essential to this process. Similar to how those who struggle with their mental health need to want help, and have to apply it to get better, anyone trying to break free of their people pleaser tendencies must also be dedicated. You will also feel guilty. With every person that you say no to, or for every instance you actually choose yourself, guilt will thrive. You will get that sick feeling in your stomach and feel as though what you’re doing is wrong. As if you’re a bad person, or a bad friend. In actuality, what you have been doing is wrong. Not the amendments you’re attempting to make.
Disregarding your wants and needs is wrong. On the contrary, saying no for once is right and should happen.
The itinerary
A lot of this journey has to do with getting used to your new lifestyle.
For one, practicing saying no to others. This is not to say that you’ll never be allowed to say yes again. Rather, if someone asks something of you that you can’t do, or simply don’t want to, it’s okay to say no. Telling yourself that it truly is fine and the world won’t end when you say no is hugely important.
Secondly, always looking to others for praise isn’t ideal. You need to cheer yourself on. Instead of relying on your friends to tell you that you’re a good person or friend because you’ve done something, you should do that for yourself. Tell yourself what you’re looking to hear, because you are both of those things- even without having to destroy yourself.
You’re good to your friends because you listen and are there for them when you can be, not solely because you dropped everything for them at any given time. Associating doing good for others with hurting yourself is an unhealthy way of thinking.
Building off of allowing yourself to say no to people, setting boundaries is also an important stepping stone. Sticking up for yourself and doing what’s best for your mental and physical state is crucial. This all ties into self respect. Not having the decency towards yourself to stop yourself from being a rug that’s being walked all over, speaks volumes.
It’s not a harmless way of being, that’s for sure.
You’re suffering too
A harmful consequence of putting other people before yourself, comes when one diminishes or devalues their own feelings or emotions. For example, believing that because your friend is mourning the death of a family member, you should push aside your sadness over an exam you failed. By doing this, you’re invalidating your own sadness just because your friend’s is technically “worse.”
Moreover, telling yourself that someone else’s struggle is worse than yours is also incredibly harmful and damaging. All struggles are important and shouldn’t be compared. As the classic saying goes, “comparison is the thief of joy.” In this context, constantly measuring yourself against others is a game you’ll always lose.
It’s pointless and hurts you for no reason.
Two things can be true at once
What often comes hand-in-hand with being a people pleaser is only allowing yourself to be happy when your loved ones are. Notably, “choice” can either be unconscious or conscious.
Cutting to the chase, viewing emotions as a choice is incredibly damaging. Pushing them down only amplifies them. It also teaches you to bottle everything up, normalizing it- something that certainly shouldn’t be a common occurrence, nor really occur at all.
Sympathizing with your friend’s or family’s struggles and thoughts is entirely different from being unfair and cruel to yourself by forcing yourself into their shoes.
A person’s joy is allowed to exist alongside someone else’s sadness.
Food for thought
A lot of people pleasing, of course, also has to do with other people’s feelings. Outwardly or not, such a concept is pretty quickly touched on. With taking other people’s feelings into consideration, we tend to learn to care too much about other people’s opinions. More specifically, any and all thoughts to do with ourselves.
The largest question we emphasize is whether we’re liked or not.
Truthfully, avoiding someone you come across in life disliking you is impossible. Perception is a spectrum, we will never get the full picture. Nor will everyone get the full picture as to who you are.
That’s the frustrating part about life, not completely getting to determine your role in someone else’s story.
Going back to ground zero is more than okay
Remember: relapsing is part of the journey. Breathe. As upsetting and discouraging it is to restart, having to means coming back stronger. It also demonstrates how hard you’ve worked and how much progress you’ve made. Slip-ups happen when people cross into unmarked territory and get scared. That, or when we traverse into a tougher level. It’s okay!
No matter the case, reverting back to your old ways is human nature. Shame is out of the question. It’s completely fine to go back to what you know out of a desire for comfort, or to simply give in. Once again, it’s okay and you’ll be okay.
You’ll bounce back because you’re strong. If you could do it a first time then you can, and will, do it a second time. Maybe even a third or a fourth time.
A for effort!
Point is, going back to ground zero is more than okay. Really, this phenomenon is normal and expected. Think of it as coming back strong rather than putting all that you did and conquered to waste. You aren’t a failure and you aren’t a disappointment. Nothing about trying to do better for yourself is disappointing. Better yet, it’s admirable.
The whole of it is commendable.
To do: Heal your psyche
On a psychological level, being a people pleaser appears as though it makes you feel good, but it really doesn’t. What’s so warming about running yourself into the ground? Or, what about adopting negative feelings is healing?
The examples could go on and on, but this toxic cycle shouldn’t.
Psychology Today’s take
According to the staff of Psychology Today, an American media organization that focuses on works about psychology and behavior, people pleasers’ practices result in the opposite of what they aim for- unhappiness and self-destruction. To be more precise, this extreme care for others often results in low self-worth. It can also lead to a lack of self-awareness.
Furthermore, it usually leads to saying sorry when it’s not necessary. This bad habit is a catalyst that can disrupt, or end relationships. Why? Well, this tendency can be frustrating.
Sticky situation
Exploitation can arise due to self-sacrifice or constantly giving. Such dynamics are inexplicably damaging.
Loving someone who can’t give that same love to themselves can be a harrowing task- one that not everyone can take on. In turn, people-pleasing behaviors destroy what dynamics someone may try to uphold and strengthen through this way of life.
Get to it!
Now armed with some insight into such a complicated topic, hopefully you feel more prepared, or less scared, to put your people pleasing tendencies to rest. Alongside my own two cents, and some psychology to take into consideration, there is no better time than now to embark on this journey. Meanwhile, I’ll be adding to my “relatable” folder on TikTok. Just for good measure, of course.
