A little over a month ago, my boyfriend of eight and a half years broke up with me. I was sitting on our couch, folding laundry in our downtown apartment, when I picked up my phone and saw a text that pretty much read: It’s over. I don’t want to see you. I’m not coming home.
I’ve always been an emotional person—I feel things deeply, too loudly, sometimes too much—and this felt almost unsurvivable. For nearly two weeks, I couldn’t eat. I threw up from crying so hard I could barely breathe, sitting on the floor of the bedroom I now slept in alone.
Almost nine years of my life just disappeared.
The worst part about this kind of breakup is that no one cheated, no one died, and no one did something so unforgivable that it made our ending feel black and white. We loved each other—deeply, passionately—for years. We just grew apart. So, what do you do when something like this happens? I had no idea.
Now, a month and a half later, I’m on the other side of the worst of it. I tried a lot of different things to ease the pain. I’m not just talking about journaling or going on more walks, though those are great. But sometimes, when you’re hurting this much, even pulling out a notebook and your favorite pens feels like a chore.
So here are a few realistic, honest things that actually helped me keep moving.
Have the worst crash out of your entire life
Yes, actually, this is part of the process. I’m talking full-blown, out-of-your-mind, raging crash-out energy. When you’re fresh out of a relationship, there’s this strange mix of deep sadness and sudden freedom. Use it.
I went to every party, said yes to every plan, flirted with everyone who flirted with me, stayed out all night—then did it again the next night. I sang with my Uber driver on the way home, then cried the second I walked through the door.
Did it feel chaotic? Maybe a little toxic? Absolutely. But did it catapult me forward and put me back in the driver’s seat of my own life? Also yes.
So give yourself the green light to be a little wild. Hunkering down with sad albums is important—there’s a time for that. But it’s also okay to have fun while you’re grieving. That messy mix of heartbreak and joy is what being human is all about.
2. Keep your phone glued to your ear
Grief can feel incredibly personal, like something no one else could possibly understand. Any time I found myself crying so hard my chest caved in, I forced myself to pick up the phone. Within ten minutes of talking to a friend or family member, the pain would lift just enough for me to take a shower or eat a few bites of food.
Taking care of your body during heartbreak can feel almost impossible. For me, it sometimes felt like I wanted my physical pain to match my emotional pain. But don’t isolate yourself—it only pulls you deeper into that dark, disorienting place that’s hard to climb out of once you’re down there.
Meet new people who don’t know your ex
After a breakup, it’s normal to feel a sudden urge to go out and socialize—you’re free! But that feeling hits so much harder when the people around you don’t see you through the lens of your ex.
I met a few girls while selling furniture on Facebook Marketplace, and we ended up becoming close friends. I met their roommates, their friends, and suddenly it felt like a whole new community had opened up. They didn’t know my ex, and, more importantly, they didn’t care about him.
There was something so validating about telling my story to people who were hearing it for the first time—watching their jaws drop, hearing them say, Wait, he really did that? Sometimes, that’s all you need: fresh eyes on your pain to remind you it wasn’t all your fault.
Share the pain. Spread it thin across all the people who love you. It helps.
Stop caring so much about your pride
Breakups have stages: sorrow, anger, denial, bargaining. You really do cycle through the stages of grief. When my algorithm became flooded with breakup reels and self-help quotes, I noticed a pattern: everyone talked about moving on and never looking back.
“If they wanted to, they would.”
“How they leave you is how they feel about you.”
“Prove them wrong.”
There’s truth in reclaiming your confidence and self-worth; pride can be healing. But don’t confuse looking strong with pretending you’re not hurting. You can feel pain and still feel proud of yourself.
This overwhelming “tell your ex to get lost” narrative might feel empowering at first, but it can also harden you. I didn’t want to give my ex the finger; I wanted to give him a hug. I didn’t want to blame him; I wanted to understand how we ended up here.
It’s okay to admit that you miss someone. You can be honest about that with your friends and family. No one gets a medal for being the most emotionally avoidant.
Feel it
This one seems obvious, but there are layers to it. When I first started going out every night, I wasn’t spending a single moment alone. I was sprinting in the opposite direction of my pain, terrified of what might happen if I slowed down. And when I finally did, it hit me all over again—the heartbreak, the loneliness, and the anxiety I’d been outrunning.
Though it may feel impossible, let yourself crumble a little. Cry as long and as hard as you need to. Your body needs to release all the energy that’s been building up.
You know the saying “feel to heal”? It sounds cheesy, but it’s true. When you’re going through the worst pain of your life, the only way out is straight through it. Sometimes crying in the fetal position with your favorite stuffed animal doesn’t just heal your broken heart; it starts to heal the little girl inside you who still needs your care.
And once the sobs have subsided, pick up the phone and talk to someone who loves that little girl, too.
Find small moments of independent joy
On a lighter note, sometimes it’s the small stuff that saves you. I built a confusing piece of furniture on the floor of my living room, singing along to Lana Del Rey. I sat outside early in the morning with a cup of tea, feeling the sun warm my skin. I went grocery shopping with my headphones in, choosing food just for me. I decorated my room with colors and art that made me feel like myself again. I blasted music my ex never liked while speeding down the highway with the windows down.
Remembering who you are—feeling your body, reconnecting with the independent parts of yourself that can get lost in a relationship—can shift your focus, even just for a moment, away from the person you can’t stop thinking about.
Take it day by day (cheesy again, I know)
Some days, you’ll feel so empowered it’s like your soul has been set on fire. Some days, you can’t get through an email without breaking down. And that’s okay. You’re okay.
Breakups are some of the most confusing experiences to navigate: grief, anger, pain, and then remembering everything you loved about them, all your best memories. Back and forth, back and forth.
Just know that what you feel one day could be completely different the next. Anxiety may rise and fall, so will joy. There’s relief in that. Emotions change, and even the hardest ones eventually fade.
8. And finally, make some decisions
Once you’ve finished your crash-out, your phone battery is dying from a four-hour FaceTime call, and you’ve hung that new pair of curtains, what’s next? When your life breaks open, it’s an opportunity to put it back together in a different way.
I decided to move back to a city I’d previously lived in to be closer to old friends. I started planning solo trips just for myself. I got a new job. Movement and action can bring excitement back into your life during what feels like endless heartache.
If you can’t uproot your life like I did, do it in smaller ways. Take that painting class. Start running. Visit a friend in a different city for a weekend. Just start making decisions about your life independently—it’s just you now. And you’ve got this.
Breathe. Scream. Eat a piece of toast. Cry watching Instagram reels. Go on a walk. Meditate. Dance. Play. Do something with your hands. The pain will eventually subside.
And if all else fails, make a list of everything your ex did that hurt you. Hang that sh*t on your mirror and read it every morning until you’ve memorized it.
