Habits shape our daily routines, from how we make our bed in the morning to the order in which we get ready. They help optimize and automate our subconscious, freeing up our conscious mind for quicker, in-the-moment choices.
But what really are habits and how do they form? A habit is a behavior or action that becomes automatic through repeated practice. When we repeat a certain behavior in a specific context, our mind begins to associate the cues of that context with the behavior.
For example, checking social media first thing in the morning. When you wake up, your mind searches for its first action. You grab your phone without thinking about it. Or maybe you go on a run every day after work. Once you finish work, you automatically walk to your closet to change into your workout clothes.
Though these feel like conscious decisions, your brain is probably turned off for most of it. Close laptop, walk to closet, change into running clothes, grab headphones, walk out of your front door. You could probably do it with your eyes closed. This entire routine is led by cues your body has already established.
What is a cue?
I recently read James Clear’s Atomic Habits, where he puts words to the unnamed instincts I’ve felt my whole life. His book walks you through what habits are, how to identify them, how they form, and how to break them, while creating new habits that support the person you want to become.
One part of the book that really stood out to me was the concept of cues. Cues are the triggers or signals that prompt us to start a habit. They can be environmental, emotional, social, time-based, or routine-based—basically, anything that nudges your brain into action. To use the running example, finishing work for the day could act as a time-based cue: the workday ends, and your brain signals time to run.
Think of a habit you do every day. I challenge you to consciously do it differently tomorrow. Instead of going for a run, try a guided yoga practice in your living room. Instead of visiting the same coffee shop on your way to work, explore a new café along a different route. You’ll notice how alert your brain becomes, helping you navigate a road you don’t usually drive on, reading a different menu, ordering from a new barista, and experiencing a new coffee flavor. Don’t be surprised if you feel a little more alive than usual.
We couldn’t live without habits, but they can sometimes drain the playfulness from life. When our minds break free from the monotony of routine and are exposed to a fresh influx of new experiences, they absorb every moment of it. It becomes especially noticeable when you intentionally take your brain off autopilot and share a new experience, even something as simple as trying a new coffee.
It’s not fate, it’s familiar
Every day, this or that comes up. Another tired day at work. Another weekend you didn’t get your grocery shopping done. Another night with one too many glasses of wine, leaving you to sleep like crap. It’s okay—it’s life.
But… is it really?
Carl Jung, renowned Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, was best known for his work on the unconscious mind, personality archetypes, and human behavior. He believed that much of what we do is influenced by unconscious patterns—and that true growth comes from becoming aware of those habits and integrating them into our conscious understanding of self.
A lot of his work surrounds consciousness, and I want to share one of his most influential quotes:
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
I’ll just let that soak in. I don’t need to explain it—you already felt it somewhere in your body.
A bit of a punch in the gut though, right? That’s because it calls us out in a way we can’t hide from. Are you really not getting your grocery shopping done, or are you just too sunk into the couch to get in the car? Are you accidentally pouring that third glass of wine, or is your mind on autopilot, drowning out the same difficult emotion you’ve been avoiding for years?
Yikes, I know. It’s tough to think about.
I feel passionate about this accountability part, though, so I want to share a bit of my own experience in hopes of shedding some light on the shame.
I picked up Atomic Habits during a time in my life when I was trying to cut back on drinking. It was something I had gone back and forth on for years, but I could never figure out why changing my behavior felt so impossible.
I wanted to do better, and I knew better. But it felt like a different part of me was making the decisions.
When I started reading about how cues can subconsciously trigger behaviors, it felt like reading real-life hypnotism. Every time I was around friends, out at an event, settling down after work in the evening, or had any downtime to fill—all those moments had all become cues to drink.
This really helped me understand why every time I was out doing pretty much anything, my brain would alert me: time to drink. That thought would nag at me, and I felt like something was wrong with me. Why was drinking the first thought in my head so often?
Not only was it a cue, it was a reward.
What do you really want?
James Clear emphasizes that most habits are, at their core, intended to reward you. You want that cup of coffee because the caffeine makes you feel good, you’re chasing that runner’s high, or you’re looking forward to the buzz after a couple of drinks.
Our brains are wired to form habits around actions that lead to a desirable shift in our internal state—comfort, relief, satisfaction, or pleasure—all heavy-hitters in the ongoing boxing match of how you spend your time.
Beginning to peel back the layers of my own habits, while focusing on the internal state I was actually chasing, was eye-opening.
Alcohol was a catalyst for whatever I wanted to feel in the moment: comfort after a long day, relief from a difficult emotion I didn’t want to sit with, or an easier connection with my friends. All rewards.
The important thing to remember is this: what your mind and body view as a reward is always changing. You can change it—and in turn, change your habits.
Before we become aware of what habits are and how they subconsciously form, they can sneak in everywhere. Grabbing Taco Bell for fun a few times on the way home can quietly become a routine that leaves you feeling low when you skip it. Online shopping during a sale might feel savvy—until you’re in bed every night, mindlessly spending money on things you don’t need.
And drinking as a teenager to feel cool around your friends? That can evolve into an inability to cope, connect, or even feel like you’re having “fun” without it. (Points finger at myself.)
I know I’m using negative habit examples here, but those are usually the ones we’re most fixated on changing. It’s important to understand how they formed in the first place before we can start building positive habits that truly change our lives.
We are extremely complex beings, but also very simple. This thing feels good? Do more. This thing feels bad? Don’t do more. Funny enough, that simplicity can turn into a surprisingly complicated puzzle.
I want to drink. Drinking feels good. I feel relaxed, relaxed is good. But the relaxation is temporary. I will feel sick in a few hours. Feeling sick means I won’t want to eat or get out of bed. If I don’t get out of bed, I will miss out on more rewards. So now, drinking is bad.
It’s no wonder we’re all so beside ourselves with hesitation and decision fatigue. It’s exhausting, which is why we rely on habits to make the choices for us. But what happens when our old habits come up against the new person we want to become?
For me, my anxiety got so bad I was having almost daily panic attacks—until I finally had what I can only describe as a bit of a mental breakdown. Dramatic? Yes. But did I wake up the next morning with more clarity than I’d had in years? Also yes.
I hope you don’t have to partially lose your mind to find that clarity, but the truth is, a lot of people are afraid of change. Myself included—and we’ll do almost anything to avoid it.
Loyal to the life you’re creating
So, how do we climb out of the trenches? Start by identifying the part of your life you want to change. Maybe it’s I want to start working out, I want to stop online shopping, or I want to spend more time on my art. James Clear encourages you to go deeper than just setting goals—he asks you to focus on identity.
Instead of saying, “I want to start working out,” reframe it as, “I am the type of person who works out.” This small shift puts your identity at the center of the habit. Then ask yourself: What would that kind of person do? What habits would support that identity? When you consistently act in alignment with who you want to become, the habits start to stick—and eventually, you become that person.
For me, one of my biggest goals is to finish a draft of my first book by the end of this year. When I feel the urge to drink on a random evening, I remind myself: I am a writer. Writing brings me joy, and I deeply value the book I’m creating. So I ask myself—what matters more in this moment: the temporary haze from a drink or the passion I feel when I pour my heart onto the page? Since reframing my thinking that way, alcohol hasn’t even come close.
That said, thinking is one thing—acting is another. It’s easy to get stuck in the false comfort of good intentions. Setting a clear intention is a powerful start, but following through requires real strength. When I’m out with friends and tempted to stay out late, I pause and ask myself: Which version of me deserves my loyalty right now? The version that wakes up foggy and unmotivated, or the one that heads home early and has the clarity and energy to write the next day?
The more I choose the writer in me, the more pages I write. The more pages I write, the more excited I get about writing. And the more excited I get, the easier it becomes to choose the habits that support it.
I am a writer. I’m the kind of person who enjoys waking up feeling creative. I write best in the morning, so I prioritize getting enough sleep.
See how different that sounds from, “I want to stop drinking so much,” or “I don’t want to feel like sh*t in the morning,” or “I’m tired of the anxiety after not sleeping”?
You can apply this kind of reframe to any habit you’re trying to change or build. When it’s rooted in identity rather than just desire, it carries a different weight in your heart. That shift is something I’ve experienced firsthand—and it’s what James Clear insists is a critical piece of making habits truly stick.
Choosing long-term fulfillment over short-term satisfaction doesn’t always come naturally. But the beauty of being human—smart, sensitive, and deeply self-aware—is that we can pause, reflect, and make choices that support the version of us we’re working toward.
The slow burn of becoming
We all love to believe that changing who we are can happen overnight with the right motivation. And maybe for a very small handful of us, it can. But for the rest of us, real change lies in our habits—both the ones we’re redefining or letting go of, and the ones we’re starting from scratch to support the life we actually want.
Start small. Start simple. Just get comfortable identifying a few cues in your daily routine. Begin to notice what habits show up and how they make you feel. Are they neutral? Beneficial? Are they quietly taking away from your life now that you’re paying attention?
You don’t have to blow the roof off on day one—and chances are, that won’t work anyway. We’re creatures of habit, duh.
Your subconscious will probably drag you into a death match if you try to overhaul your life without digging a little deeper into why those habits exist in the first place. And remember to have grace with yourself. All your habits were initially formed to encourage you to do things that make you feel good, it’s sort of sweet when you think about it.
You’re beautiful, you’re dynamic, you’re doing your best—and most of all, you’re learning! Long-term change is usually a slow burn. But it’s steady, and it stays hot as long as you keep tending to it.
