Splatfests are the highlight of the Splatoon games, here to pit inklings against each other in order to answer the most controversial questions, both mundane and super serious. Because you gotta know what’s better between ketchup and mayo or sci-fi and fantasy.
Splatoon 3 spiced things up by introducing a 3-way format, giving us some of the best splatfest themes to date but also some of the worst. With 18 splatfests under Splatoon 3’s belt and Grand Fest and Splatoon 3’s 2nd anniversary on the horizon, it’s time to (ink)strike down any confusion and decide the best and worst Splatoon 3 splatfest themes.
The Worst
5. Palace vs. Theme Park vs. Beach
For a special splatfest, Summer Nights’ theme left much to be desired. Never once in my life have I wondered which of these venues would I rent and I don’t think anyone else has either. I’m not even sure this should count as a theme. They get some creativity points I guess, but some in-the-box thinking might have made for a better theme here. Or even a better phrasing, like ‘Where would you prefer to go for vacation,’ could maybe have saved it. But it just feels like wasted potential — there are far better (and more logical) questions/themes they could have chosen for a summer splatfest — and like they’re seriously running out of ideas.
4. Handshake vs. Fist Bump vs. Hug
“Hi!” That’s my go-to greeting, not a motion. Because I don’t hug people I’m meeting for the first time, I don’t shake hands with my friends, and I don’t fist bump anyone. This theme doesn’t feel thought out and is almost a worse version of the pre-release splatfest based on Rock Paper Scissors — they both have to do with hands, right? But hands down, this theme is not good. It’s a total bore that just makes me ask, why? Who cares? It isn’t an interesting topic and people don’t have pre existing opinions on it, making it a motivation-less theme that’s so ‘eh’ it hurts. It’s the kind of theme that has people picking an option based on paint color which means it’s not worth being a theme at all.
3. Money vs. Fame vs. Love
If you’re wondering, ‘haven’t I seen this theme before?’, you’d be right. This theme is a rehash of a Splatoon 2 splatfest theme, Money vs. Love, with the addition of fame in the mix. Which actually makes the question even worse. The theme is shallow and completely void of amusement and it’s not even original! Asking people to choose between these 3 options is… really not OK and also kinda depressing, putting a damper on the fun aspect of splatfests. Money vs. Fame without love would be better, but in general, it’s an uncomfortable and unpleasant theme that could’ve stayed locked in the vault.
2. Baby Chicks vs. Li’l Bunnies vs. Bear Cubs
SpringFest is yet another special splatfest complete with awesome decor and a sucky theme. It’s in no way a combative or controversial theme and just doesn’t feel worth fighting over. It feels lazy. Plus, they didn’t actually ask a question. It wasn’t, ‘what’s cutest?’ or ‘what is the best springtime animal?’ No. It was just, ‘Here’s three options, pick one.’ Which totally defeats the entire idea of a splatfest. And while bunnies and chicks make sense together, bear cubs feel random (bears don’t exactly scream spring). Lambs would’ve made more sense and at least been on par with the spring theme. But no amount of cuteness could save this theme from being bleh.
1. Drums vs. Guitar vs. Keyboard
Many of Splatoon 3’s themes leave much to be desired, but it doesn’t get any worse than asking what instrument you want to play. What a boring question with even more boring choices. If they wanted to go the musical route, a more interesting theme could’ve been music choices like pop vs. country vs. rock. But it’s just instruments. It really doesn’t get any lamer — a totally disenchanting theme that misses the beat. It’s yet another example of the larger problem with many of Splatoon 3’s splatfests: the questions don’t evoke strong opinions and don’t feel worth battling for. Who wants to fight about this? Not me! All of the fun of going against other people in a tournament format evaporates when you don’t care at all about the theme and this is a theme I couldn’t care less about.
The Best
5. Past vs. Present vs. Future
Usually the deep questions feel too heavy for Splatoon’s silly splatfests, but this one actually works, especially considering the options are linked to idols, giving players the chance to align themselves with their favorite pair. This theme is deep but not too deep that it bogs you down, keeping it light enough to be both interesting and enjoyable. Plus, a time theme is nicely timely as it marks the 2nd anniversary of Splatoon 3’s release and presents a good opportunity to look back at the previous games and all the stories and experiences we’ve swam through to be here now. The nostalgia this theme evokes is almost unbeatable (except, of course, by these next 4 themes).
4. Power vs. Wisdom vs. Courage
Crossover splatfests are always extra exciting as avid fandoms collide and Zelda x Splatoon is the best crossover to date, feeling very reminiscent of the fantastic Heroes vs. Villains theme from Splatoon 2. Choose a side of the Triforce, or just your favorite of the iconic LoZ trio, and fight for it? Count me in! It makes good use of the 3-way format (something that’s proven hard to do) while also acting as an ode to Nintendo players. And because it happened on the brink of the Zelda TOTK release, the splatfest was bolstered by the existing hype and excitement for the new Zelda game. It really made you wanna whip out a sword (Master Sword or splatana, take your pick) and fight.
3. Spicy vs. Sweet vs. Sour
I may have been on Team Sour, but there’s nothing sour about this splatfest theme. Food related themes are generally a good bet and this theme is no different, pitting popular flavor profiles against each other. This theme is a good combination of debate and light-heartedness as it’s not a super serious theme but it’s also not a ‘whatever’ theme that you can’t care about. After all, snacks are serious business. Plus, it successfully expands upon the popular question/opinion of sweet vs. savory—working off a preexisting opinion is a win because people already have opinions on it and can be more motivated to fight for their opinion, turf war style.
2. Dark Chocolate vs. Milk Chocolate vs. White Chocolate
A sweet little theme, right? Wrong (but in all the right ways). This sweet question gets real bitter because people have (100% chocolate level) strong opinions on the best kind of chocolate. And it makes for a lovely theme for a Valentine’s Day splatfest, because it’s sweet and relevant without being embarrassingly overt and weird (unlike a certain other fest—looking at you, Money vs. Love vs. Fame). This theme brings the best of both worlds: a playful, love-adjacent theme perfect for Valentine’s and contentious opinions. Plus, it isn’t all divisive, uniting the community under the sweet tooth banner. The awesome paint colors are a mere bonus to the theme. All together, it’s the recipe for a successful splatfest.
1. Bread vs. Rice vs. Pasta
At the top of the list is a theme that blows all others out of the boiling water: a battle of the starches! This is a genuinely challenging and combative question, because what do you mean I have to choose between the best foods in existence? Friendships can be ruined over this theme because this is serious. Ugh, it’s perfect — finally a theme that can rile up the Splatoon 3 fanbase. The best splatfest themes are the ones that are both divisive and amusing and have people ready to throw hands and splashdown the other teams. This theme is exactly that — I will fight anyone whose answer is not rice because they’re wrong. It’s a perfect splatfest theme, delivering a showdown-worthy topic while also making the best use of the 3-way format to date. Best foodfight ever.
Final Verdict
Splatfests are at their best when they either test popular debatable questions and/or play off a provocative opinion. Getting emotions involved makes splatfests more enjoyable to play in because you become invested in their outcome. I want to want to win a splatfest, not just join a team and play because why not. And while a select few splatfests do this in Splatoon 3, most don’t. That’s largely due to the 3-way format as opposed to the 1v1 we’ve seen in previous games. Most themes just work better with 2 answers than 3, and a lot of the 3-way themes are lackluster and end up feeling forced because there has to be a 3rd option.
Ultimately though, the splatfests are still heaps more fun than regular, everyday turf war action because even if it’s a bad theme, at least there’s some greater motivation than just winning. If you don’t love the themes, playing for your favorite idol works too (Big Man is always the correct answer, regardless of the question). The important thing is bringing the Splatoon community together, even if it’s being united in hating the splatfest theme.
