Growing up, we all have ideas about how we want our lives to go or how we want them to be. Plans evolve as we age, and even when you think you know what you want, life will sometimes detour you. At first, this can seem traumatic and devastating, but it can end up being the best thing that ever happens because you start to realize what you truly want.
What I thought
Personally, I thought my life would be domestic. That meant settling down with my partner in the suburbs of my home state while finishing school and finding a simple job. A happy compromise since we wanted different things out of life. Looking back at that time, I can see the difference between compromise and changing who you actually are. While I was focused on building a future with someone else, I wasn’t paying enough attention to the future I really wanted for myself. I thought that plan would make me happy, and maybe it would have, at least for a little while.
The unexpected breakup that followed led me down a detour I could have never imagined, but one that would ultimately help me flesh out all my life’s desires. I knew I loved cities ever since I saw the movie The Break-Up with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn as a twelve-year-old. It was then that I knew Chicago would be my city.
I was absolutely convinced I was going to move there one day.
That never happened, which is okay, because I live closer to New York City anyway, and once I got to go there, all other cities were out. Even Boston was out, another city I have visited and absolutely adore. I knew by the time I was a teenager that I wanted to move to Manhattan. It always felt like home, and it still does.
As for my career, I know I was meant for more than a simple job that pays the bills. Being a writer is something I have wanted to do since I was a little girl. I also knew that I wanted to help people in a bigger capacity. I wanted what I did for work to mean something to myself and to others. Shortly after the breakup, I was laid off, which gave me time to really think about what I wanted to do to break this cycle of settling.
All of these detours were definitely scary, and at times they left me wondering, What do I do next? Who am I? What is the next step? Time and introspection helped me move forward.
Letting go
Initially, I grieved what I had planned with my ex. How could someone not? I had the next decade or so laid out. Suddenly, my life imploded with a huge breakup and layoff. How could I even move forward with any plans, let alone the one I planned around another person?
That version of me was so tied to another person rather than to who I needed to be. I needed to see that I was mourning the loss of them, along with that job and the potential future. That takes time to wrap your mind around.
I had to realize that at any age it is okay to change my mind and wants. Losing that person and that income felt like losing a version of me. The only version I knew was as an adult. Letting go of that version of me and that future was a hard thought to process.
At times, it made me feel like a failure. However, when life changes, whether it is your fault or not, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It’s actually an excuse to find yourself and ultimately find better solutions. It can only help you grow and become a more well-rounded person.
The real me
The time alone with self-reflection led me to plan my future more accordingly. Today, I know which degrees I want and need to pursue careers in writing and mental health. I also know that I’m meant to live in New York, and not the suburbs of New Jersey.
My old plan wasn’t bad or even wrong, and who knows, maybe in fifteen years or so I’ll end up in my favorite shore town settled with my future husband. However, looking back on my old plans, I realize how small my thinking was. I was always meant to experience a bigger life.
Now I just can’t imagine missing out on a cute West Village apartment and getting my PsyD in psychology in the city that feels like home. Also, just living life in one of the most exciting cities in America can only fuel my writing.
This new plan was built around the things that genuinely lit me up and made me excited for each new day. For the first time, I am not asking what my life is supposed to look like, but what would make me happiest.
That shift changed everything for me. Instead of measuring my life against a plan I created years ago, I started paying attention to what excited me in the present. The more I listened to myself, the clearer my path became. Writing isn’t just something I enjoy but something that I know I am good at. Psychology isn’t just another degree option but a way for me to help others in the best way that I can.
I stopped viewing my future as a checklist and started viewing it as endless opportunities. There was freedom in knowing that for the first time, I wasn’t trying to fit myself into a life I thought I needed, but instead I was allowing myself to create one that reflected who I was becoming.
What if your life doesn’t look like the plan?
You’re not alone if your life doesn’t look the way you thought it would by now. Most of us grow up with a vision of what our future is supposed to look like. We imagine our career, relationships, where we will live, and sometimes even the exact timeline by which we want it to happen.
When life doesn’t go the way you thought, much like mine did, you may be wondering how can I re-route? There are many ways to re-evaluate your life. To start, re-evaluate your goals.
The first thing to remember is that not having all the answers immediately is okay. When a major life change happens, we often put pressure on ourselves to figure everything out at once. We want a new plan immediately, new goals, and a new sense of direction overnight. Self-discovery doesn’t work that way. The most productive thing you can do is give yourself space to explore what feels right before committing to a new path.
This means figuring out what makes you happy. What is going to make you get out of bed every day? Where do you want to see yourself in five to ten years? Essentially, figure out what you want and who you want to become.
When making these decisions, make sure you are thinking for yourself. Not for a partner, because the right partner will grow with you. Not for family, friends, or even society. This is your life, and you need to make choices for your specific goals.
When we envision our lives, especially at younger ages, we set timelines for ourselves. Usually, it is society, or even our own families, that makes us feel like we need to have specific goals done by a certain age. However, you can change and grow at any age, whether that’s twenty-five or sixty-five. Make sure your new goals are more aligned with what you want, not with what you think you need to do or be by a certain timeline.
The worst part of moving your life plans is the doubt and aimlessness that accompany it. There will be moments of not knowing, and that is completely normal. Life, while it can detour you, can also re-route you. Take that aimless time to figure out your next steps; trust me, you will find it.
At the end of the day, take the appropriate actions that will lead you to goals that will fulfill you. Migrate towards your interests and passions. Some steps might be harder than others, but if the end goal is worth it and it gets you excited about your everyday life, then do it! It will eventually pay off.
Conclusion
Looking back on it all, I don’t regret the plan I once had for myself. That plan reflected who I was at the time and what I thought would make me happy. But again, life has a way of forcing us to grow in ways we could never imagine.
I no longer see detours as mistakes or life-ending. I see them as redirections to something better. Every unexpected turn helped me better understand who I am, what I value, and the life I want to build.
If you’re determined enough, you’ll discover that the life waiting for you on the other side feels even more aligned than the one you originally planned.
