We have all experienced it: that intense connection with someone who seemingly fits you and your life perfectly. Maybe you even dated this person. Yet in the end, some event or string of events out of your control leads you in different directions.
Whether it’s your career, family, or some other universal force, you are pulled apart. Maybe you just met them two seconds too early or too late—it feels that close. And then it hits you: the dread that you may never find a man like that again, and the only thing you can hope for is that the universe pulls you back together.
Is there an explanation for this feeling?
Can this experience really be boiled down to what many call “right person, wrong time”? Was that your person in a universe where timing worked, or does the timing itself mean they weren’t your person at all? I will be taking a stab at debating that today.
Obviously, timing is important, and a difference in timing can mean the difference between a yes and a no. Just as there is a difference between replying to a text in one minute versus three days later, there is also a difference in when you meet a person. People are changing every day, and they do say that you never meet the same person twice. Depending on the circumstances in which you meet someone, everything can change.
I was living abroad in London for the span of four months. While I was there, I met many other study-abroad students my age who were also only there for a limited time. One of them in particular was this great guy. We ended up forming a really close connection, seeing each other every day, thinking about our futures, pondering topics of love, and all in all, we found ourselves falling deeper into each other’s lives. He was definitely the type of guy you look at and say, “I feel like I’ve known you all of my life.”
However, there were two major barriers for both of us. First, we had both just gotten out of pretty bad relationships, so neither of us was looking for or ready for a new one. Second, there was the distance between us once we both left London, studying, working, and living in two different cities. In the end, I decided it was a case of the right person, wrong time. In some other reality where things were perfect, or if we met three years from now, maybe it would work out.
However, Lauren Blue argues that if you’re asking yourself whether it’s the wrong time, it might just be the wrong person. This is a common argument against the idea of “right person, wrong time.” Kendra Cherry writes that counselor Bonnie Scott says it’s important to recognize why you are attracted to that person, as well as to identify what is keeping you apart. If the reasons you are apart go against your moral structure or outweigh the reasons you are together, it may simply be a case of the wrong person.
Is there a science to this?
In The Fallacy of “Right Person, Wrong Time,” Gabriela Lefkovitz argues that this idea is more often used as a coping mechanism to make a breakup more tolerable. I can’t say that I completely disagree with her. I think there is a part of us that doesn’t want to be wrong or admit that we may have made a similar mistake to ones we have made in the past. So maybe, in part, it is a pride thing, we don’t want to admit that we have “wasted time” on the wrong person. However, I would argue that no time is wasted if you are learning something from the experience.
Lefkovitz does make a valid point when she mentions that timing shouldn’t make or break a relationship, and that the right people are timeless. It is easier for us to romanticize lost connections than to imagine a possible future with someone else. It is also easier to imagine our lives with what we already know rather than face the uncertainty of what is coming. I think it is common for people to have a fear of scarcity, such as asking, “Will I ever find someone so in tune with me again?” This fear leads us to attach ourselves to what once was. Once someone leaves, it becomes easy to idolize what could have been.
This may be explained by attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, which studies how infants bond with caregivers and how those bonds create “templates” for attachment later in life. There are several attachment styles, such as secure, anxious, and avoidant. The majority of people, roughly 50–60%, according to the internet, have a secure attachment style, meaning they feel safe being loved and loving others. If there is a constant interruption, whether external or from the other person, it makes sense that the relationship would struggle. Could “wrong timing” simply be the result of conflicting attachment styles? And if they are conflicting, wouldn’t that mean they weren’t your person at all?
So is it True?
So what if the circumstances truly are out of your control, geographical distance or demanding careers? You could leave it up to the universe and chance, but if you evaluate the situation and the restrictions between you cannot stop how you feel, this may be where hard work comes in. This is where you try to make it work.
In my own experience, some relationships last a lifetime, while others are brief connections that change you for the better. We cried together, laughed together, and cared about each other on some level. Maybe the point of “right person, wrong time” is to be grateful that you were able to experience loving someone so deeply in the first place. The act of wishing someone back is, in itself, a beautiful thing, and it is through the experience that we can reflect and appreciate what we shared.
In the end, no matter how much we try to rationalize what we feel, emotion will never fully follow logic. We can make as many lists as we want, listen to as many stories as we can, and fantasize about other timelines. But if you truly feel that a person in your life is the right person, then maybe it is worth trying to overcome the timing. Relationships take sacrifice, and if both people are willing to invest time and energy, it may be worth taking that shot in the dark. A wise friend once told me, “I would rather try and fail than never try and fail anyway.” There is nothing wrong with taking a chance, and often it is the people who take those chances who get what they want in the end. And if it doesn’t work, you can still appreciate what you shared.
