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The Resignation of Boris: A Savage End to a Reign of Lies

Following Boris Johnson’s announcement he will be stepping down as Prime Minister, the Conservative party must now elect a new leader.

Credit: Alexandros Michailidis/Shutterstock

Following Boris Johnson’s announcement he will be stepping down as Prime Minister, the Conservative party must now elect a new leader.

Since Johnson became Prime Minister in 2019, his Conservative government has been plagued with scandals and allegations of sleaze. From lockdown parties and dodgy wallpaper deals, to infidelity and sexual assault, the Johnson government has faced a heavy onslaught. In early July, new accusations emerged against MP Chris Pincher of sexual misconduct. To many, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, with over 60 MPs resigning from their posts in a bid to force Boris to step down.

The Collapse of Johnson’s Leadership

For three days, politicians scurried out of No. 10 Downing Street like rats from a sinking ship. Captain of the vessel, The Lady Carrie, was the Bozmeister himself. For the final 48 hours of his reign, Boris frantically re-arranged the furniture in a hopeless attempt to present the onlooking public with an illusion of stability. Alas, even the Big Johnson himself could not weasel his way out of this situation through vague bumblings of model buses and Peppa Pig World. Having been forced to confront his inevitable political doom, Boris faced his personal high noon on July 7th to announce his resignation. In a six-minute speech Johnson gave an upbeat recap of his leadership, proclaiming to the humble masses the great victory that was his defeat.

Beyond the gates fencing off Number 10 lay a sea of Londoners, witnessing the historic moment in person. Videos emerged online of the crowd booing as Big Boris gave his speech, expressing their disdain with the current leader. Their jeers and boos towards Bojo have helped maintain the collective delusion that somehow a successor will be different.

Before Boris: A Brief History of Betrayals

Old Uncle Jezza
Credit: ComposedPix/Shutterstock

This is not the first time a Conservative Prime Minister has been forced out power by their own party. In 1990, Margaret Thatcher failed to win a majority, and was ousted by her own cabinet. Similarly to Bojo, Thatcher’s successor John Major was also riddled with scandals. This led to his landslide defeat in the 1997 election to Labour’s Phony Tony. Unlike in 1997 however, current Labour has failed to “rebrand” itself and continues to struggle with its own political stance. Furthermore, unlike the Blair Witch, Starmer doesn’t have much charisma. While Keir may be a lovely guy at heart, he has the personality of a toothbrush, and is just about as interesting. At least Corbyn was “unique”, like a freak uncle who comes over once a year to rant to you about Jews running the media and how Stalin was a great leader, that sort of stuff.

The Big Three

Penny Mordaunt
Credit: Lingtren.com/Shutterstock

Currently, the three main contenders are Rishi Sunak, Liz Truss, and Penny Mordaunt. First up is Dishy Rishi, the man himself, promising to fix the UKs money problems with more money. Unfortunately for Rishi however, his wife’s dodgy dealings and tax tricks has given his public image a big hit. One possible solution though would be to distance himself from his own wife, an area which Boris for once may provide some sound advice.

Next in line is Liz Truss, the most right-wing of the Tory Trio, known mainly for describing Saudi Arabia as an “ally” of the UK. Her track record of edgy comments and anti-political correctness though may bring unwanted comparisons to Boris. And last but not least is Penny Mordaunt, the PM running for PM. If she wins, no more Saggy Maggy or Mother Theresa running the show. Britain may finally have a hot Prime Minister, one who can challenge Sanna Marin in the political game that is hearts and minds. Lyndon Johnson would be proud. Dude nicknamed his own dick Jumbo. What a G.

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