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Seven Innovative Ways To Get A Douchebag Back To Your Place

Satire: Need a change in your life? Try out these new ways to pick up men.

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Because the classic, “want to go smoke?” is just not as exciting as it was your freshman year of college.

“Hey wanna come over and play Beatles Rock Band?”

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This works perfectly for the indie type of boy you meet at some off brand bar.  Typically he’ll be wearing denim on denim and wearing vans. You guys will be walking home faster than The Beatles walked across Abbey Road.

“My vibrator broke and I need a big strong man to fix it because I have trouble replacing double a batteries with my small withered girl hands.”

im picking up good good good good vibrations GIF by The Beach Boys

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This works for the sexist dude who has been calling you “babe” all night because he doesn’t know your name, nor does he care to. But let’s be honest, if he’s a misogynist, you probably shouldn’t go home with him. But desperate times call for desperate measures. He’ll realize your hands aren’t small and withered once your hands are in his pants. 

“Wanna go home and make a Harlem shake together?”

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Use this on the dude who keeps talking about Youtube videos that you’ve never heard of, but pretend to love because his eyes are super blue and his arms look fun to grab onto. “Yeah, that viral video from 2004 was so funny; I remember everything about it!!!”

“My refrigerators running and I need help catching it.”

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Only use this one when you are super desperate.  It has a 2 out of 3 chance of going over well. Some people get offended thinking that you are making a joke of them coming over, and they will run away faster than Forrest Gump and your refrigerator to go hit on the girl who is wearing more bronzer than you.

“Wanna go home and watch Blackfish?”

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For them woke social justice warrior boiz, this is the perfect go to line.  By the time Tilly the whale kills his first trainer, you’ll be wetter than the pool he’s swimming in!

“You haven’t seen Ray Jay’s – I mean Kim Kardashian’s sex tape? We have to go watch it right now.”

Interested Kim Kardashian GIF

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For that guy who knows about pop culture and dances to the song “Sorry” by Justin Bieber like it came out yesterday, this is the perfect pick up line. Even if he has seen it, who doesn’t wanna kick back and watch Kim k get railed by Ray Jay? And tbh he’ll probably have a boner so you won’t even have to go down on him after watching like 4 minutes of it.

“Do you wanna read my paper on the Stanford Prison Experiment? The thesis is that anyone can role play if they try.”

Adam Devine Doctor GIF by blink-182

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This is for that business school WASP who wears Vineyard Vines and Sperry’s. Rest assured, he has never taken a sociology class, and he will have no idea what you are talking about. He’ll hear “role play” and imagine you in a sexy nurse outfit and he’ll be in your bed before you can say “stethoscope.”

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