Your feelings aren’t always going to be reciprocated, so how do you move past the experience?
When you develop a crush, you start hoping the feeling is mutual. Finding someone who chooses you creates a heartfelt moment that warms your chest.
Except rejection is just as prevalent, producing a gut-wrenching feeling that you won’t wish on anyone to experience. Yet those desirable sentiments don’t disappear as easily.
Though what determines if these feelings are unrequited or not?
What are unrequited feelings?
People describe unrequited love as carrying a one-sided attraction for another person who will not reciprocate those same affections. It isn’t limited to romance; any desire to get close to another person can apply.
The few situations that people can fall under are:
- Taking interest in either a friend or someone who doesn’t know you.
- Pursuing someone who has already turned you down.
- Staying in a one-sided relationship.
All those situations could apply action-wise for those in unrequited love, but everyone has different experiences. When it comes to what you internalize through the experience, there are a few sensations to look out for:
- Experience anxiety of the situation.
- Daydream about unlikely interactions.
- Firmly believe they do love you in secret, or that they will, despite evidence of the contrary.
- Feel intense longing or lovesickness even if you haven’t had a relationship with them.
- Initiate contact that goes unnoticed or dismissed.
- Have your emotional needs not met.
- Feel jealousy and possessive outside of romantic bond.
- Dismiss and neglect some aspect of your life to pursue an uninterested person.
Intense feelings can overwhelm you in unexpected ways, causing you to cling to something that may be unattainable. You may be partly self-aware of that fact, but still remain in that one-sided relationship.
Why is that?
Why do you stay?
A part of yourself may understand that these feelings aren’t healthy to cling on to, yet you want to hold out hope that it can change. That one day those feelings will be requited, and all your waiting might be worth it.
You begin shifting your self-perception to fit someone else’s ideal, believing it’s the only way to win them over. Using your crush’s behavior towards you as a way to quantify how you should be loved, unhealthy or not.
You eventually lose sight of yourself and question your worth in love. Feeling unable to move on because of that small sliver of control you crush has over your heart and mind.
Worst-case scenarios are when unrequited crushes take advantage of your feelings for them keeping you around for the sake of control. Causing you to believe there is a chance that person will choose you eventually when that’s never going to happen.
Any time I tried taking interest in others they either wanted to remain friends or playfully flirted as a joke. Two special people filled my heart with a warmth I hadn’t felt before, but they weren’t interested. It hurts feeling unlovable by anyone in my years of school.
Accepting rejection whether outright or subconscious, knowing it wasn’t going to happen was difficult. Others should understand after hearing these confessions that there are ways to respectfully reject others and to accept rejection.
How to respectfully reject someone
Rejection is a sensitive subject and neither side has to reciprocate if your feelings aren’t mutual. For those who are performing the rejection there are a few ways to handle it without much discourse those being:
- Appreciate the effort: Even if you’re turning them down, appreciating their efforts helps to soften the blow.
- Be direct: Don’t sugarcoat your response, being upfront is far beneficial.
- Use “I” statements: Keep the focus on you so the other person doesn’t think you’re criticizing or blaming them.
- Keep it simple: You don’t have to give a detailed response, a simple response is enough.
- Avoid mixed messages: Don’t give them false hope with statements like “maybe another time” if you don’t mean it.
- Be respectful: Treat the sensitive situation with empathy, respect, and understanding.
Those tips can help you to lessen the blow to the rejected, but there will be moments when you have to be more firm in your rejection. The other person may not accept the decision and start pushing your boundaries beyond comfort level.
Leave prior pleasantries behind for the sake of self-preservation, it isn’t wrong to respond as such.
In the case of you being the rejected there needs to be a level of self-awareness to look out for to ensure that you process that outcome and don’t escalate problems for yourself and those around you.
How to accept rejection
How you react to initial rejection is just as important feeling either sad, frustrated, or relieved all those complicated emotions. Your valid feeling this way, but you need to understand that the hope for a deeper relationship is done
Don’t harass people in accepting you, coming to terms with the rejection is the first steps in being able to steadily move on. The best ways to accept rejection are:
- Accept their decision: After receiving verbal confirmation of rejection, accept the decision and stop pursuing them.
- Avoid responding emotionally: Your feelings are valid, but don’t take them out on anyone else. Take time to cool off.
- Respond gracefully: Respond with grace and maturity. Say phrases similar to “no worries.” “Good luck out there.”
- Acknowledge your feelings: Recognize and validate your negative feelings without shaming yourself for it.
- Respect their decisions: Understand that the other person has their reasons and preferences for rejecting you even if you don’t agree with it.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself during this harsh period, treat it with the same kindness you would for a friend.
- Learn and grow: Reflect on the experience and consider the learning experience. Learning about yourself, feelings, worth, and absolute resilience.
- Stay positive: Don’t let this moment define you, there will be more opportunities to connect with others and find someone who prioritizes you.
Rejection is the hardest step to overcome, but moving forward allows the opportunity to let go of unrequited feelings. The dilemma is being coped with using different ideas.
Learning to let go
You’re likely broken up after rejection and may believe that because one person rejected you that it’s the end.
Pull yourself out of that hole and don’t let that person continue to take large space in your mind. But none of that happens if you don’t start focusing on what you need to do to move on.
Although unconventional grieving the hypothetical possibility of being in a deeper relationship with someone can bring a lot more solace.
Grieve
It almost sounds silly to mourn something that never happened, but it isn’t. Hypothetical or not, those intense feelings fueled your every being, but you must let them go.
How you grieve is up to you as long as you aren’t inconveniencing the person who rejected you. Personal closure can be found, even without the other person’s presence.
For me it came down to writing down my whole intense feelings to my crushes and eventually settling for a dream where I could say my goodbyes or perform my regrets so it won’t hold me back anymore. A letter helped me get all my feelings out and a dream either revealed the source of my attachment or gave me a chance to live out what could have been.
Greiving the “maybes” gives you to chance to come to terms in letting go of what never was. Which may include needing some space to sort out these emotions and what may come afterwards.
Establishing boundaries
You may or may not feel emotionally unbalanced so take some time away from the person who inflicted this pain. For some it can be easy depending on if you even have chances of encountering them or your feelings are not as strong.
For most that distance gives space to assess yourself and reconsider what kind of relationship you want with that person. You can enforce boundaries, regardless of whether you maintain them as friendships, acquaintances, or remain unchanged as strangers.
If you encounter that person again, consider who you are at that stage before you consider them breaching that boundary. Don’t feel pressured to go beyond your comfort level in how deep your relationship wth someone else should be.
Invest in yourself
Learn how to live for yourself, not defining your self-worth to someone who couldn’t give you the same affection back. Even if it could mean leaving behind someone you had a strong connection with.
Ask yourself, who are you without them? On the chance that you never regain a deep connection with them, what will you do now? You can learn from the experience or look back on the memory from time to time.
The memories are sweet or harmful; but don’t let it dominate your life and inhibit your ability to move on. My past crushes are now afterthoughts who I look back on fondly. Yet I see myself being able to push past that and see to the future.
Remember that you are deserving of being chosen by someone, even if you haven’t found them yet, they exist. Don’t close yourself off because of a bad outcome, those unrequited feelings will be returned by someone special, when you least expect it.
