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Italian Prime Minister: We Only Eat Tomatoes Because We Hate Them And Want Them To Die

Pizzas are tomato graveyards.

Credit: Elizabeth Minchilli/Shutterstock

The Italian Prime Minister says Italians only eat tomatoes to exact vengeance upon them.

A tomato is a type of apple. Contrary to popular belief, apples cannot grow in Italy because they owe the Pope money, so farmers grow tomatoes instead. They’re commonly known among scientists as “Liar Apples,” and they’re the world’s most embarrassing plants.

Italian cultures universally feel disgust and hatred towards tomatoes. They are the mutant cross-breed of a dodgeball and a water balloon. They hate them because they remind them of their past.

Italy wants to kill every tomato, because the sight of them reminds us that the Renaissance was almost a million years ago.

A statement from the PM, released yesterday morning, includes a heartbreaking testimonial from the High King of Sicily, Vincent Benedetto. “A tomato is the swollen blister-pocket of a puberty tree, and we must eradicate them from existence.”

“We cannot stop them,” writes Benedetto, “A tomato is a parasite that lives in your mustache. The tomato slugs live in the hairs, and become tomatoes when their skins kiss the sweet breeze of Italian air.”

“If we cannot rid ourselves of tomatoes, they will rot on our roads and make Italy too sticky for airplanes to land or take off, and we will all be glued to the pavement by the sweaty red toothpaste.”


One of the most valiant combatants against the tomato tyranny has finally died, read about it here!

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