Studies across the globe reporting on same-sex divorce rates show that lesbian relationships make up more than half of the numbers. Not only is this a jaw-dropping fact, but it’s a sign of a much deeper problem within the community. In a rush to dive into relationships, many find themselves caught in a web of unhealthy patterns, from clinging to exes to constantly forgiving red flags that should really be deal-breakers. It’s like there’s a script we’re all following, and it’s not a good one.
The WLW (women-loving women) community has been buzzing lately. Hot lesbian artists are gaining attention, there’s a surge of viral lesbian content creators, and lesbians in entertainment are captivating everyone. Lesbian visibility is fantastic, but let’s be real. We’re being a bit de lulu as a community and need to face the hot AND the heavy.
It’s crucial to see beyond the glamorization and dive into the gritty details of what toxic relationships really look like. Netflix’s The Ultimatum: Queer Love and the drama chronicles of Sedona Prince and Liv Stabile on TikTok aren’t just sensationalism: They mirror the real-life struggles many of us face. By confronting both the highs and lows, we gain a clearer picture of the toxic patterns that are all too common, pushing us to recognize and address these issues head-on.
U-Hauls & fast-tracked intimacy
Here’s the thing with lesbian relationships: For one reason or another, we often find ourselves jumping head-first into a relationship, cranking the emotional intensity from 0 to 100 in record timing.
Just imagine this: You go on a date for some drinks, but it’s not just drinks—it turns into an all-day or multi-day bonding marathon. Before you even realize it, you’re not only dating, but you’re practically living together, spending every free moment in each other’s company. This phenomenon has been accurately coined “U-Haul” because, just like the company, moving in is part of the deal. It’s the lionfish of relationships: stunning but toxic.
The Netflix show The Ultimatum: Queer Love highlights how these fast-tracked relationships can lead to disaster. The show is designed to be dramatic, but it does a pretty good job of showcasing the classic lesbian relationship dynamics. Yoly and Xander’s rapid development of a whirlwind relationship on the show is an accurate depiction of the U-Haul relationship.
@geojam87 At this point The Ultimatum is all about them 😭😭😭 #theultimatum #queerlove #theultimatumnetflix #ultimatumqueerlove #xanderandyoly #xander #yoly #fyp ♬ original sound – Georgina Jamron 😜
It is also important to note that Yoly came on the show with long-term partner Mal. Yoly was ready to tie the knot, but Mal insisted they wait, partially because of Yoly’s past and U-Hauler tendencies. Yoly initated the trial to prove her commitment, but it backfired when she ended up emotionally tangled with contestant Xander.
A mere two and a half weeks in, Yoly and Xander were already dropping “I love yous,” swapping savings plans for a baby, and meeting each other’s closest friends. Yoly’s abrupt pivot from wanting to marry Mal to starting anew with Xander gave me whiplash.
The mental battle of love bombing
Now, do I blame U-Haulers for U-Hauling? I can’t say that I do. Love-bombing creates this illusion of a perfect, deep connection, drawing partners into a spiral of affection and praise. While this can feel enchanting at first, it often masks a form of emotional manipulation, whether intentional or not
Tatiana Reyes, a 21-year-old from San Jose, California, reflected on her own experiences navigating various WLW relationships since she had her first girlfriend at 15. When she thinks back on moments of love-bombing, she remembered thinking it was “very considerate knowing someone has put time and effort into knowing what I like and how to impress me.” However, she admits that “although it’s nice to experience, it’s a small form of emotional manipulation.”
@allypie118 Oops 🤭 #fyp #lgbt🌈 #wlw #femlesbian #lesbiantok #wlwtok ♬ original sound – 🫂
This intense, high-speed affection might seem like a dream come true, but it’s often more like a fast-track ticket to relationship chaos. Alaina Tiani, PhD psychologist, stated that a “love bomber’s ultimate goal is not just to seek love, but to gain control over someone else,” explaining how it’s a manipulative tactic to make their partner feel emotionally dependent on them. It’s like being dazzled by fireworks, only to realize that they’ve also set off a blaze of turmoil that’s hard to escape.
The ex-factor
It’s about time we addressed the classic “favorite ex” scenario—the old flame who seems to have an uninvited VIP pass to your new relationship. They’re like Jason in the Friday the 13th saga. Whenever you think the plot is done, they come out with a sequel.
It’s not like women-loving-women are incapable of moving on; a lot of the time, they’ll stay in contact with their ex in “hopes of having no bad blood.” Tatiana said, “We spend a lot of time and energy in…these bonds…that we don’t want to see go to waste but rather transform into something else.” As much as we want to believe we can keep the emotional bonds and foster new ones, it’s not that simple.
If love is a battlefield, keeping your ex around is like an emotional minefield in a new relationship. Consistent communication with an ex is bound to bring problems into future relationships, no matter how secure your partner is about themselves or your commitment to them. The lingering connection makes your new partner question where they stand, turning your budding romance into a constant tug-of-war with your past.
To some, staying in contact with an ex is not about dragging out an old relationship but starting a new one. But let’s face it, the chances of the past staying neatly in the past are slim. So, while it might seem like a harmless connection, it’s more likely to stir up old dynamics and create chaos in your new love life. Now make like Elsa and let it go!
My favorite color is red 🚩
Lesbian relationships can be hot messes, and it’s no surprise why. With U-Hauling on overdrive, love-bombing in full swing, and the lingering presence of those “favorite exes,” the emotional landscape can quickly turn toxic. Even if your partner’s not doing anything shady, insecurities from chaotic dynamics and past heartbreaks can make every little thing seem like a red flag.
Tatiana expressed that “toxicity in a wlw relationship is not unheard of; it’s actually super common.” Looking back at her past relationship, she described it as being “at war with yourself. It’s like screaming at a mirror sometimes because as angry as you want to get, you remember your partner is just a vulnerable little girl like you.” It’s a raw, unfiltered glimpse into the internal conflict that comes with trying to navigate love amidst emotional turbulence.
Sometimes, being a woman-loving woman can feel like Scott Pilgrim battling the seven evil exes — except we’re conquering the demons of our first toxic relationship. Some are never conquered, and we learn to love what hurts.
When picture-perfect runs out of ink
The media and pop culture are the sprinkles to this forbidden sundae, glamorizing U-Haul romances. They make intense and toxic relationship patterns look like the ultimate thrill instead of the emotional wreck they are. The outcome? Overlooking the red flags and convincing yourself this is just part of your passionate love story.
There’s nothing wrong with grand love gestures and thoughtful acts of service, but when they start to feel less like genuine expressions of affection and more like they’re making up for a lack of healthy relationship fundamentals, that’s when you’ve got to hit the brakes and reassess.
This is particularly evident in the relationship between Sedona Prince and Liv Stablie. They began dating and sharing couples’ content around January 2023, capturing the hearts of the lesbian TikTok community. Post after post, their videos went viral.
This was until August 13th, when Liv posted a 10-part series on TikTok exposing the emotional and physical abuse that Sedona inflicted on her while they were dating, primarily on their trip to Mexico for Sedona’s birthday.
Since then, LesbianTok has been buzzing, with users calling out the toxicity of the relationship and expressing sympathy for Liv. It also triggered a series of uploads from creators, reminding their viewers that behavior like Sedona’s is not normal. Liv’s 10-part tell-all has been the ultimate call to action: reflect, recognize, and reject unhealthy relationship patterns.
Girl…get up!
U-Hauling and the rapid formation of intense emotional bonds signify more than just quirky traits of lesbian relationships; they often pave the way for deeper issues. The running joke that all lesbians stay in touch with their exes has gone from cheeky to a tired cliché.
We’re creating real trauma, making it hard to trust, and complicating new beginnings. Even though it can be easy to overlook, love-bombing is not a sign of a healthy relationship. It’s time to stop normalizing these behaviors and address how they impact our relationships.
Instead of glamorizing unrealistic relationship expectations from the media, look around you for real-life examples of healthy relationships to aspire to. Reflect on your own dynamics and seek out the ones that genuinely nurture you.
The lesbian community fought tooth and nail for rights and relationship visibility, so let’s make sure we’re showing up for ourselves as fiercely they did. Let’s push for a culture where love and respect thrive, not just survive.
