We can work together to take care of each other, no products or paid services, just community and self-empathy.
I wrote in my last article about how the world is on fire, and that it’s okay to not be okay. But what does that look like? I haven’t seen a doctor about it, but I’d bet many of us are experiencing various symptoms of burnout or depression because of all the stress we experience in our day-to-day lives.
Struggling to take care of yourself? Same!
Important note y’all: I’m not saying you should go around saying “I have depression.” I am a writer, not a doctor, and you shouldn’t get your diagnosis from the internet. But you can experience a symptom or two without it being diagnosable, and those symptoms still impact your life!
Executive dysfunction, the symptom I experience most frequently, exists as a solid wall between intention and action. I can’t make myself Do Stuff, even if I’m screaming at my own brain; I just don’t move.
According to Cleveland Clinic, it means someone might struggle to “manage their own thoughts, emotions and actions.”
In my life, this shows up as “I could draw, or I could lie in bed” and “I could put on a pretty dress, or I could… not.” Things that used to make me happy sometimes don’t. I find myself playing my favorite video game, and it feels like a chore.
Totally real footage of me on bad days
On these days, I just feel bleh. Trying to think is like breathing underwater; everything is awful and sucks. I just wanna go back to sleep.
Any of these, all of these, make taking care of myself soooooooo hard.
But I’m not blaming myself (or blaming you!) for feeling behind. I think it’s very normal to feel behind. I jokingly call myself a loser, which helps me reclaim this feeling and blame myself less.
That way, when my brain is being mean to me, I can just think, “What’s so bad about not being perfect?”
What the experts say:
The Mama Attourney, a legal expert, had this reaction to coming to the United States.
I’ve never really thought of it like this, but she’s right. We’re always moving. Driving, or on the bus (where we all look at our phones). Going to work, and from work, doing the laundry and the dishes and everything else.
Is it really a surprise that we’re exhausted?
The Mayo Clinic says that adults should be getting a minimum of 7 hours of sleep each night, and teenagers (13-18) even more.
But I do get a lot of sleep, you might say. So why am I still exhausted??
Sleep isn’t enough. Max Alberhasky writes that adults who have less than 2 hours of free time a day are overly stressed.
And when I say free time, I mean real relaxation, not “doomscrolling on my phone worrying about my next deadline.” If your brain is occupied with stress, you’re not really resting; you’re just being stressed on the couch, rather than being stressed at your desk.
The Reality of Modern Adulthood talks in depth about how we’re all exhausted and how to navigate adulthood.
Even when we do take a break, the guilt will eat us up because something else is always on the list.
Brianna
Consider “I’ll rest when I’m dead” as a common phrase. Is it really a surprise that in this society, we’re too tired to cook elaborate dinners each night?
Self-care? In this economy?
We all agree that we should relax, we should take care of ourselves. But it can quickly become just another chore. On top of that, lots of the recommended self-care hacks cost money, and financial stress adds to the strain.
So my solution is bare minimum. I shower every other day; I put on deodorant. I buy groceries and eat at least 2 meals a day. I try to include vegetables in at least one of those meals.
Does that sound like nearly nothing to you? Yeah, it is. I’m trying my best, and sometimes my best is not very much.
My metric is: am I going to face health consequences (like cavities or dehydration), or social consequences (like smelling bad) if I don’t do this thing today? If you are, try to do the thing.
Thinking about it like this helps. I’m a zoo animal in an enclosure. Remember that sad cat pixel art I used earlier? I have to eat somewhat healthily, because otherwise that poor cat will be hungry!
It’s embarrassing to admit this, but I’m really bad at brushing my teeth. I hate the dentist, because they’re always telling you to brush and floss multiple times a day, and I know, but it’s hard!!!
Some days I can do my hair, some days I can’t. Energy levels are variable, so I try to be kind to myself on the days I can’t do very much, and proud of myself on the days I can.
Wear your pajamas to the grocery store
Some of the best advice I’ve gotten for self-care is that so many of society’s rules are fake. Do whatever you want, as long as something important like your job isn’t on the line. And if we can do whatever we want, why not make life easier?
In a wonderful article called Snail Girl Era: Why We’re All Slowing Down with Work, author Ella Shauman describes Gen Z’s efforts to prioritize themselves over hustle culture. She says it’s “not about slacking off but finding a work-life balance that promotes mental well-being.”
The mental struggles to take care of ourselves are half the battle. I’ve made an effort recently to stop guilting and blaming myself for not doing as good as I want to be doing.
“Why won’t you get out of bed!” becomes “I can get out of bed if I start by wiggling my fingers and my toes, creating movement to make the transition less dramatic.”
“I didn’t brush my teeth this morning, I’m so bad at this!” becomes “It’s okay, I can brush my teeth when I get home to make up for it.”
And with portable tasks, I can do things like keep my medication in my personal tote bag (which I carry everywhere) instead of the bathroom sink. I’ve also bought an extra thing of floss, so I can always have one on me.
We should be more than not-sad
Sometimes, all you can do is simply survive. I get that, I’m right here with you. But when you have a little more energy, do something that makes you happy.
Happiness is not trivial, not useless. It is really important.
And again, I don’t mean scrolling or zoning out while a TV show plays in the background. Do something actively fun: put on music and dance in the kitchen, buy yourself a little treat (if you can).
I have two dresses that I really love to wear on days that I want to feel like a fairy. I’ve slowly shifted my wardrobe from all neutral clothes to COLOR, because it makes me happy.
Find something you can do, and make time out of your day to do it.
For example, I’m super-duper out of shape, because I keep telling myself that I’ll exercise whenever I have the time. This has not been working. If I want to get stronger, I have to intentionally make time in my day for exercise, not just figure I’ll get around to it whenever I have energy and free time. (Hint: I never have energy and free time).
Happiness is the same way. We gotta do it intentionally.
It’s okay to not be okay
What I’m saying is, I see you. I’m also struggling; you’re not alone. You’re not a failure for having trouble taking care of yourself.
So do things the wrong way, the easy way, the pajamas-and-bathrobe-to-the-store way. It’s okay to be behind. Treat yourself like you’re sick when you’re struggling mentally, even if you think you can keep working.
Care about yourself, because you deserve care.
