We’ve all heard the saying “New year, new me,” but is it actually helpful? For many students, January can feel like an emotional whiplash. From returning to university to setting new gym goals, there’s always pressure to do better.
Trust me. I’m a final year student. I have a million deadlines approaching, and I’m determined to do my very best. I want to be a good friend, succeed in my career, and achieve high grades. All of these are good things, but the moment that they take priority over our mental health, we can become anxious and feel like we’re falling short of our own expectations.
There are, of course, times when putting on a brave face is important. But if we’re always trying to show people our best side, they’ll never see our real side. Sharing how we’re actually doing is essential because it lets others know that they don’t have to pretend either.
Goals are there to improve our lives, not make them worse. Similarly, friends are there to make us feel cared for, and we’re there to show them they’re loved. It’s not about faking the perfect life. The goals themselves are not the important thing. It’s what we hope to achieve out of them.
My top tips
When I’m feeling down, I’ve found that one of the best ways to cheer myself up is to help others. It sounds counterintuitive, but if my day isn’t going as hoped, taking time out to support friends reassures me that the day has been worthwhile.
On the flip side, if I’ve been going through a rough time, it’s very touching to know that someone else has been thinking of me. Even if my friends can’t fix the situation, just knowing that they care helps me to see things more positively.
As a Student Ambassador, School Representative, and volunteer, I’ve been through many difficult seasons with my friends. Of course, I don’t get it right all the time, but I’ve learned how to journey with people when times are hard. Whether you’re searching for ways to support your friends or looking for hacks to survive the winter blues, here are my top tips:
(1) Gently interrupt negative self-talk
When we’re stressed, it’s easy to see the negatives and dwell on everything that could go wrong. We often tell ourselves that we’ve messed things up, but much of the time, those thoughts aren’t entirely true.
Over the years, I’ve seen many of my friends doubt their abilities. But one of the best ways I’ve found to comfort them is to emphasise that it’s okay not to be okay. They can cry, sit in silence, or talk about what’s upsetting them.
If your friend is speaking negatively, listen and show you’re there unconditionally, but think of ways that you can reframe their view. Acknowledge how they’re feeling, and gently share that you don’t see things the same way.
For example, if they don’t believe they’ll make it through the year, you can highlight all of their past successes. You can remind them that the admissions staff and lecturers saw something in them, and say that you believe in them.
(2) Break your tasks down together
When we face a mountain of tasks, it’s difficult to know where to start. We’ve all been there. We have a million New Year’s resolutions and a sky-high pile of work. We look at our to-do list and wonder where to start.
If you or your friends are feeling overwhelmed, try breaking things down together. It’s surprising how much willpower you can muster when someone else is there supporting you.
If your friends are stressed about their work, sit down with them and write a to-do list. If they’re still struggling, offer to stay while they complete their tasks. For example, you could say, “I’ll be here while you write your emails. Let me know if you want a proofreader.”
(3) Message your friends saying that you’re thinking of them
There’s something special about receiving messages from a friend. It shows they were thinking of you and care how you’re doing. It doesn’t have to be long. Just a quick voice note or text can make all the difference.
Sometimes when I scroll past a photo of my friends, I’ll send it and say that I was thinking of them. That way, they know I care about them, and they’ll remember all the fun we had together when the photo was taken.
You don’t have to wait until your friends are struggling. Most people will be happy to hear from you any day! Maybe you’re unsure whether it’ll make a difference, but if it helps them see how much they’re loved, it’ll be worth every minute of your time.
(4) Offer your friends specific help
Even if someone offers to help, it can be difficult to accept their support or know what to ask for. It’s easy to just say “Thank you” and move on. If they’ve offered to help, though, in all likelihood, they genuinely want to.
If your friend is going through a lot and you want to take some weight off their shoulders, mention specific ways that you can support them. For example, rather than saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” say, “I’m going to the shops, is there anything you want?” or “I can sit with you while you finish your essay.” That way, they can just say yes or no.
(5) Show your friends that you trust them by sharing your troubles too (without overburdening them)
As someone who’s volunteered with many different charities, I’ve found the best way to show others they can open up is by opening up yourself. If they’re going through a lot, they may be reluctant to “burden you” with their problems. But by sharing what’s going on in your life, you can show you trust the person you’re speaking with.
A saying that I learnt from one of my favorite lecturers while writing feature articles is “show, don’t tell.” I think the same is true in our friendships. We shouldn’t just tell our friends that they can be honest. We should show them they don’t have to hide their imperfections by sharing ours.
(6) Spend time with your friends – Listen and be present
Doing things with your friends is wonderful, but sometimes it’s important just to listen. If you’re busy and stressed, take the pressure off. You don’t have to talk constantly or do anything exciting.
You could study, cook, or just sit together. Often, while I’m completing mundane tasks, I’ll be on a video call with my family. We don’t talk all the time, and often we’re not even in camera shot. We’re just spending time together.
You can do the same thing with your friends. If you’re busy, you don’t have to take time out to see each other. Just do your tasks together virtually. It’s not the same, but if you’re feeling down, having someone there can make a big difference.
You don’t always need to wait until you have the right words
We often feel helpless when our friends are going through a rough time. It’s easy to assume we’ll make things worse, but in reality, we probably won’t. We don’t always have the perfect words, and that’s okay. What matters most is showing our friends that we care about them.
If they’re happy, we can share their joy on our faces and in our body language. If they’re stressed, we can listen to them and help with small tasks. January is often a stressful time of year for students, but having someone to share with makes things feel far more manageable.
Over the years, I’ve had many wonderful friendships. Let me tell you, though, the ones I value the most are the ones where I know I can be real.
This January, let’s make it okay to not be okay.
