He’s caring, considerate, gentle, emotionally available, and checks off every green flag possible, but the way he ran after a taxi on the third date completely ruined it for you and now you can never see him again. You have caught the ick. Is there any turning back?
Let’s break down this cultural phenomena and decide whether your relationship is worth saving.
What classifies an ick?
According to Vogue, the ick can be described as:
“…a sudden, internal vibe shift; it’s the moment when your desire for a potential paramour evaporates and is quickly replaced by total disgust.”
Vogue
It happens in the blink of an eye, and can last forever. Recalling the moment when you first caught it will result in abrasive shivers down your spine.
An ick is not the same as a pet peeve. Icks are specific to the romantic partner you are pursuing, while pet peeves are a general annoyance done by anyone. Types of icks can range anywhere from the way someone orders ice cream to how they put on their socks. The action itself is irrelevant. What matters most is the after-effect it has on the partner who witnesses it.
If you experience disgust for, immediate disinterest in, or have found yourself recoiling at the thought of your partner kissing you on the cheek, then it is time to take a deep breath and consider your options. Do you stay with the nice guy, or leave when the ick arrives?
Does the ick indicate a red flag?
This example from the instagram account “Submityourick” demonstrates a horrible account of someone being compared to a previous partner in order to make them act differently. This is more than just an ick, it is toxic and borderline abusive.
Seriously, RUN from this red flag.
While feeling disgust towards your partner is never promising of a long-lasting relationship, there are times when it would be best to have a moment of self-reflection and think about why these feelings are arising.
If the way someone scoots into a restaurant booth makes you want to leave immediately and never speak to them again, there might be a hint of avoidant behavior that needs to be addressed.
On the other hand, there are some icks that just cannot be looked past, and trying to stay with the person after having experienced a disgusted feeling does more damage than good.
It can be tricky to navigate whether or not the nice guy is worth it, and each case is deeply personal.
Is it self-sabotage?
Relationships can be intimidating.
The idea of commitment has become more and more ostracized with cases of microcheating popping up everywhere on social media. It can’t be helped but to wonder: “What if it’s me next?”
The toxic thrill of obsessively checking your boyfriend’s instagram followers, expecting to find a girl you’ve never heard of, is chased by many.
A green flag boyfriend comes into your life, and it makes you walk on eggshells more than any toxic man you’ve been with in the past. It’s annoying and confusing.
If you are not used to being with an emotionally available and healthy person, this new dynamic can throw you off and sometimes even bore you. This is where the self-sabotaging ick comes into play.
A man who seems to be over eager for you might actually just be displaying interest in a way that doesn’t require you to play cat and mouse. But for some, that is less interesting and can unfortunately create an ick!
Taking some time for self reflection to see if this is a common pattern in your dating life can help you find peace in healthy relationships, and to know if the ick you’re feeling is avoidant behavior.
However, self-sabotage is not always the case.
Icks that should not be forgiven
Some things are unforgettable, unforgivable and unjustifiable. Here are some icks that should never be looked past:
- Frequent passive aggressive behavior – this shows a lack of communication skills and low levels of emotional maturity
- Being rude and dismissive to customer service workers
- Willful ignorance – when a partner pretends not to know how to do something to get out of the responsibility of completing the task (ex: putting away the dishes, buying groceries, making reservations)
- Bad hygiene
- Comparing you to past partners in any way
How to de-ickify your nice guy
You’ve made the executive decision to stay with your partner, amazing! But you still have that uncomfortable feeling hovering over you anytime you think about them. The process to getting over the ick differs from person to person, but here is some advice that can prove useful should you find yourself in this position.
Reminding yourself of all the qualities you want in a partner and seeing how many your current romantic interest has will help pull you out of the ick swamp you’ve been trudging through.
This isn’t to say that you should ignore your gut instincts and force yourself to stay with someone just because they’re nice, but if you find yourself always getting icked-out by green flag men, I encourage you to think about why that might be.
Having a conversation with your nice guy about what it is you are finding uncomfortable. Maybe it’s the way he kisses you, maybe it’s the fact that he spits in the street, maybe he talks to you in a baby voice that feels cringey and annoying. Opening up to your partner about how their habits bother you is daunting, but also extremely helpful in situations where you want to give the relationship a chance.
Human interaction can be super awkward, and sometimes expressing your wants and needs can feel impossible. But if this person really cares about you, try to trust that they will want to make sure they make you feel comfortable and happy.
You aren’t offending anyone by stating what you like and dislike, it’s actually one of the best ways to strengthen a relationship.
Concluding thoughts
Sometimes the ick is unbearable, sometimes it can be looked past. At the end of the day, it depends on what you feel you can tolerate and what you truly value in a relationship.
If all of the good qualities about your partner can outweigh the slight annoyances you experience from them, then try out some of the tips and tricks listed.
If the ick has consumed your entire perception of this person, then recognize that it’s ok to walk away, even if he is the nicest guy.
