How to Support a Loved One with BPD: 5 Things You Need to Know First

Trigger Warning: This article contains discussion of self harm and suicidal ideation

Have you found yourself faced with a loved one suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and are unsure how to support them? Or perhaps you yourself struggle with the diagnosis and are seeking BPD help and support.

As someone who struggles myself with BPD, I’ve faced some of the most common questions and misunderstandings first hand. Walking away from a diagnosis can be overwhelming, so here are a few of my tried and tested tips to help understand BPD.

Where Does BPD Stem From and What is the Cause?

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It is important to understand what BPD is before discovering what it stems from. BPD is a personality disorder that makes regulating emotions difficult, resulting in intense mood swings, unstable relationships, and impulsive behaviours.

Kelly Bachelors of Social Work (BSW) owner of F.I.N.E Counseling Services, works with clients diagnosed with BPD on a daily basis. Kelly explains that BPD in a client is developed by a combination of factors. Including, but not limited to, genetic makeup (a predisposition to mental illness) and a poor-fit environment, which she defined as having dealt with trauma in their life.

“The way in which I have come to think about the creation of BPD is that the the two factors together create a shift in a young individuals life which greatly affects their ability to regulate, cope with stress, and form healthy relationships.”

Kelly Sheardown

What do the Symptoms of BPD Feel Like for the Person Experiencing Them?

As someone with BPD, I notice that my loved ones have a hard time understanding why I react to certain situations with such heightened emotions. The best way I describe it is like walking on a tightrope between euphoria and intense dysphoria.

People that don’t experience BPD identify feelings of happiness, sadness, stress, or anger and react accordingly given the situation. However, individuals with BPD feel intense emotions of rapture, depression, instability, and rage as we lack the regulation to determine the state of the emotional situation at hand.

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Fear of abandonment is deeply rooted in BPD. Something as small as saying goodbye to a loved one, even if temporary, can feel like grief. This may seem extreme, but as part of BPD, we subconsciously spiral into not knowing if or when we may see that person again due to past experiences of emotional or physical abandonment, potentially from childhood.

It was best described to me by my specialist. They told me that BPD is like a staircase. What that means is, every trigger or emotional encounter, leads me to descend down a step. If I do not catch myself reacting and utilize my skills I will bury what I’m feeling and eventually fall down the stairs into an emotional overload and, figuratively speaking, explode.

Common Triggers and How the Role of Attachment is Involved

Common triggers may vary from person to person; however, majority of the triggers are similar in cases of BPD including:

• Perceived or real abandonment
• Interpersonal relationship issues
• Traumatic memories
• Stressful life events
• Feelings of failure or criticism

Triggers can lead to outbursts of emotional reaction followed by an intense state of guilt and shame. This for many, including myself, can lead to self harm. People struggling with BPD often turn to self harm for many reasons.

If you experience any feelings described above, it is important to remember there are resources for help.

Although triggers will appear differently based on the past experiences of the individual, a lot of them can stem from the fear of inferiority. The excessive thoughts of not being good enough or worthy of love lead us to believe we will be deserted; left in complete isolation. This is why attachment issues and seeking constant reassurance can be common and can be self-sabatoging in many relationships.

What Resources, Such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), are Available for Support?

There are several resources available to help guide and support those struggling with BPD. For me personally, I found it useful to speak to my doctor after being diagnosed for medication options. There is no shame in the medicine game! Over the past four years I have been taking medication daily and have noticed a huge difference in my mood stability.

There are a number of coping skills and therapies as well as medication too. From my personal experience, I would recommend seeing a specialist over a generalized therapist. Specialists have the background knowledge of BPD that a regular therapist might not. Therapy is fantastic and has been a part of my healing journey for over five years.

Seeing a specialist opens the door to skills that are designated to help people with BPD such as DBT which is offered one on one or in a group settings. I’ve done both and for me, prefer the one on one sessions with my specialist. The sessions have provided me with skills, such as mindfulness, as well as other DBT skills help rewire my brain in reactive situations to avoid crisis.

I can also highly recommend the book, Building a Life Worth Living by Marsha M. Linehan. The author has BPD herself and writes from her experiences as someone who struggled and how she overcame them. This memoir has been a crucial part of my healing journey and is definitely worth a read.

How Can I Provide Support?

As a friend or loved one providing BPD support, it is important to be patient and understanding. Here are some of the best ways to support as someone with BPD:

• Do your research: Understand what BPD actually is. Understanding how it affects us avoids us having to explain ourselves. Expressing what is going on inside can be difficult or triggering.
• Lead with love: Be compassionate and understanding even if our triggers or reactions may not make sense to you.
• Keep our past traumas and triggers in mind: Keep in mind what we’ve been through. Try understanding why certain situations may trigger us.
• Never compare: Do not say, “that’s normal, everyone feels that way and goes through that.” Phrases like these are extremely dismissive. Remember that we experience emotions more passionately than someone who doesn’t have BPD.
• Encourage DBT skills: Encourage skills taught in DBT such as mindfulness and grounding techniques.
• Create a judgement free environment: People with BPD don’t want to feel judged or criticised. Create a judgement free zone for them to confide in you.
• Be a shoulder to cry on: Sometimes all we need is someone to hold us while we cry. This is more healing than you’d think!

Moving Forward with BPD

Personal love and a great support system, even if it’s just one person, is crucial when battling BPD. Understanding BPD and researching where it stems from, what the experience is like, the common triggers, and the role attachment plays into the diagnosis are essential to understand before providing support and utilizing the skills and resources available to begin the healing journey.

Helping someone struggling even if it’s yourself is not impossible, it takes one progressive step to begin the healing journey.