image via Unsplash | Nathan Dumlao
The notion of monogamy, as modern culture views it, has only been around for about 1,000 years according to Kit Opie, an evolutionary anthropologist from University College London. It is often thought the rise of monogamy is do to the spread of Christianity, partly true, but that’s not all to the story. Various factors went into molding humanity into thinking monogamy is the norm — like war and business. Yet for many, being in a relationship or marriage with just one person is quite difficult. No longer is it just “bad” marriages that fall victim to cheating scandals, even happy ones run into this issue.
So what’s the problem?
In the article in The Atlantic called “Why Happy People Cheat”, Esther Perel writes about several reason why this phenomenon could happen. You can watch her TED talk about this same topic here:
“It makes me feel alive”
Perel shares in the Atlantic article that this is the most commonly said phrase in her therapy room when it comes to the why of an affair. Modern marriages have a lot to live up to, no longer are we marrying to better our family names but we are entering into love marriages. “Till Death Do Us Part” can become overwhelming after a couple decades — Perel says “Sometimes when we seek the gaze of another, it’s not our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become.” Cheating is not about the other person in the marriage, it’s a self issue.
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Forbidden Love
This boils down to the fact that humans crave what we cannot obtain. Modernity has created the notion that we are all on a linear path — you are an infant, you grow and go to school, you graduate high school, you go to college, you get married, you have a career and you have kids. Not much has changed in the “right order” of how life is supposed to unfold. Almost by magic, in steps in an affair — it whispers of passion and thrills. This boils down to the fact that humans crave what we cannot obtain. Perel writes that, “The affair lives in the shadow of the marriage, but the marriage also lives in the center of the affair. Without its delicious illegitimacy, can the relationship with the lover remain enticing?” A driving force of the affair is the forbidden love.
image via Unsplash | Josh Felise
Social Media
Are you surprised at this one? Probably not, because all us a Trill! were just like “of course”. The rise of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram has led to ways of discovering people once thought lost to the passage of time. Now it’s all too easy for anyone to look up their old high school or college sweetheart just to see what’s up! It’s like an old adage, curiosity killed the marriage. Perel says that, “These retrospective encounters occur somewhere between the known and the unknown—bringing together the familiarity of someone you once knew with the freshness created by the passage of time.” This ties back to the fact that even happy people have thoughts about “what if”.
via The Atlantic – “Why Happy People Cheat”
Are Happy Couples Doomed?
No, not necessarily, but there are some big take aways to remember! There are a lot of truths about oneself that are often kept from others, even spouses. Perel says that when a cheating spouse comes clean about an affair, this is when her patients begin having some of the most honest conversations they have ever had in their entire relationships. Love, marriage, children and life is messy and complicated — our spouses absolutely must remain our first sounding board for issues, especially the longer a marriage or relationship lasts. Without honest and open communication, even a happy couple can fail.
What are your thoughts on this topic? Share ways you keep your relationships happy and healthy below!
