Emotional numbness after loss is a natural occurrence that isn’t discussed enough.
When my grandpa was near his deathbed, the whole family came together nearly every day to say their goodbyes. There were a lot of tears shed, but I just stood there feeling numb and waiting for him to pass.
I felt confused about why I didn’t respond as I thought I should have. I wanted to look into emotional numbness, as I don’t think it gets talked about enough.
When people think about grieving, there is usually some reaction that people can see, but that isn’t the only response. Some may be dealing with it internally and coming to grips with it their own way.
Yet, because it isn’t as widely discussed, it creates an isolating experience that makes someone believe they didn’t care enough about the person who passed, which may be far from the truth.
What is emotional numbness?
Emotional numbness is a blanket term for feeling and expressing nothing or the opposite of what is expected. Other interpretations refer to it as a limbo state or a protective measure against traumatic feelings. Feeling nothing about the situation around them, as if they’re on autopilot.
Numbness and denial are similar, but denial is an external presence, while numbness is an internal presence. Numbness is an unconscious feeling that is harder to break, no matter how much the other person wants to.
An outsider may believe the person experiencing numbness is putting on a brave face and feel the need to comfort them more, creating a sense of self-consciousness for the numb individual.
Lots of people worry that, because they didn’t cry at the funeral, friends and family will think they don’t care, or will question their relationship with the person who’s died.
MarieClaire Mulcahy
Mulcahy is a counsellor dedicated to those who have lost someone important. She wrote in her company’s hospice care blog about the inner thoughts of those dealing with emotional numbness. Individuals often feel unauthentic in their responses, as if they have to fake a reaction to prove they are grieving.
My whole family cried their hearts out at my grandpa’s funeral, while I was waiting for it to be over. By the end of the eulogies, I felt that I didn’t deserve to be there, and taking me out would have changed nothing.
Symptoms
A few traits and behaviors that align with emotional numbness that sources agree on are: Feeling disconnected from friends and family, difficulty talking about emotions, feeling flat or empty inside, feeling uncomfortable or disconnected when others show emotional responses, being unaffected by upsetting or joyous events, loss of interest or enjoyment in hobbies, lack of excitement for the future, and the inability to cry or laugh, even when you want to.
These are signs observers can pick out in identifying someone afflicted with emotional numbness. The common theme is detaching themselves from relationships, surroundings, and emotional connections as a safety measure.
During my grandpa’s remaining days, everyone was convinced each day that he was finally going to pass. I felt more uncomfortable each time we saw him because I kept seeing my whole family barely holding on.
Meanwhile, I was just waiting to go home or for grandpa to finally pass so we could move on to the next steps. I felt disinterested in being there, but knew I had to keep my mouth shut to not seem disrespectful.
Reasons for shutting down
There are different motivators that someone can subconsciously justify a traumatic death and feel emotionally numb.
How long have you known them?
Easy question, how long did they know them for? Were they someone they knew for a large portion of their life, or someone they barely interacted with?
The length of the connection to that individual can affect their emotional response and the duration of their grief. Sentiment also plays a role in their grief and how much they can process in retrospect.
Was the loss sudden or expected?
Another question to consider is whether the death was a long time coming or if it happened suddenly with no warning. Each has a separate timeline, but comes back to the same conclusion.
It’s a difficult period for anyone, regardless of how much time the deceased had before their death. Depending on whether they knew the deceased personally, if they got the chance to say their goodbyes, a simple goodbye can go a long way in bringing closure.
Is it mental health-related?
Mental health can play a role in numbness as a defensive mechanism towards prolonged stress, episodes of depression, and/or anxiety. It can be used as a defense against prior traumatic experiences to maintain a level head towards highly emotional situations.
Whether their experience is situational or not, it can cause the brain to automatically switch to numbness for a prolonged period of time.
Loss is still traumatic
Mainstream media portrays death daily, and it desensitizes people’s view of death with a variety of victims of varying circumstances and backgrounds. Preparing people for the worst outcome possible and sympathy growth when applicable.
Just because someone shuts down doesn’t negate their pain; they are just processing it on their terms, and maybe eventually express themselves externally.
Yeah, emotional numbness is most of the time a step in grief that, after a while, goes away. It’s heavily dependent on how long the individual needs.
My cousin and her family were with my grandpa the most during his final days, and she would go back and forth between heavily crying or emotionally shutting down after running out of tears. She was one of the most broken up about what happened, and yet she also reverted to numbness as a coping mechanism because that’s what she needed to do to process.
Further, my tía Lupe is strong, not because she wanted to, but because she had to. Experiencing the loss of four of her immediate family members in a short timeframe, one after another. Two of them from suicide at a young age; it was those experiences that caused her to shut down emotionally.
It was only three years after her brother Danny’s suicide that she felt comfortable seeking a therapist to help her process her emotions and learning not to blame herself anymore, or be angry at her brother for what happened.
This year, it felt like I just lost my brother all over again to suicide. It felt like being thrown into the tornado over again. The anticipated grief was like an open wound, and I couldn’t stop the bleeding.
Lupita Aguilar
She wanted to overcome taking her anger out on her husband and sons, and not pass on grudges, wanting to break the cycle. She found resources and people to share her stories with as a way to heal, even if she still carries the grief, she is surviving and carrying her loved ones through her tattoos, so they’ll always be with her.
Negative escapism methods
So what happens when emotional numbness starts becoming more detrimental to outside connections and mental well-being?
There are two ways to approach this: finding positive solutions to rebuild emotional feelings slowly or turning to shortcuts in an attempt to regain some kind of feelings, no matter the consequences.
A few risks people may turn to are:
- Substance abuse.
- Avoidance.
- Self-harm.
- Overeating.
These methods are used to avoid addressing uncomfortable feelings and create a sense of euphoria at the cost of their mental health. These alternatives are unproductive, and any interest in performing them should be directed to a professional as soon as possible.
What can you do now?
First, give the time and space needed to cope with the traumatic events; there is no rush or need to compare with others’ time. Everyone processes grief in their own way.
Due to client confidentiality, the Southern California Health & Rehabilitation Program only provided the introduction material from their grief support services.
Some applicable techniques people can use are:
- Find someone to talk to.
- Journal your thoughts.
- Set small goals.
- Reach out to others.
- Create a safe space.
- Give yourself room to express yourself.
- Reminisce on memories of the departed.
Self-care is the best method for rebuilding emotional connection again, as only the person who practices it knows what helps them process unfortunate situations around them.
There are tasks that emotionally numb individuals can perform for grieving people. These can be a shoulder to cry on, just showing up, or the important task of helping set up the funeral arrangements if that is your responsibility.
I started feeling an improvement when I had my mom to talk to about my feelings, but I never got over the guilt of it, despite everyone assuring me that it was fine. I just sped through coming to terms with grandpa’s passing, and I’d be able to carry on like it’s nothing.
It was still better than bottling up my apathic feelings and just feeling more isolated because I couldn’t cry or feel sad for someone I knew throughout my life.
Overall, emotional numbness is a natural stage of grieving, and there is little shame in experiencing it. Just remember that people rely on that strength to make it through difficult times, and there will be a time and place for your emotions to hit when you feel ready to tackle them.
